It seems like I'm never satisfied when it comes to my SO...and that's why up through yesterday I seem to end up pushing/pressuring her.
I mean, my SO was chit chatting with me today like the screw up yesterday didnt happen, and on top of that she wants to go to the gym together tomorrow. Shouldnt that make me happy or content at the very least given what went down yesterday?
I mean...for a few minutes after she left I was happy...then I was confused. Now I'm just missing my SO and wish she was still here to spend time with or I could talk to her.
Have no fear, I'm not gonna bother her...not only because she's at work but because I cant afford to do any more pushing. If only I could have not done any pushing from the start, she might never have moved out...or if she did, by now we might be jmuch closer to being back together. As it is...each time I screw up and push it sets us back to almost like it was the day after she left.
I guess I should just focus on the positives. Aside from getting to spend time with my SO tomorrow which I normally wouldnt get to do, if she ends up joining the gym as a member we could end up working out together regularly...which would be non-pressuring quality time(people rarely get romantic at a public gym).
I guess those are positives. Then again they could be big negatives in disguise. I seem to be a bit naive at seeing the situation for what it really is these days.
I was browsing through one of the infidelity threads and someone was talking about stability for kids when theres an OP in the picture.
My SO takes our daughter over to the OM's house from time to time and our daughter plays with his dog. As you all know my sitch is a little different in that we're not married, and my SO says she and the OM are "just friends" even though she would like it to be more.
While I can't say I approve of my daughter being over there, should I have concerns for my daughter being over there other than because he's the guy that could prevent me from being my SO.
I mean, if they're just hanging out watching tv and talking, while I dont like it, is there any kind of damage being done to my daughter psychologically by her being there?
Something else that I was thinking about...which some may see as false hope or dillusional:
If my SO wanted to be with this OM and not at all with me, given that theres no financial gain by stringing things out (eg. we're not married and theres not any settlement or anything), I dont think she would be doing anything with me or having any contact other than visitation exchanges for our daughter.
While it's true in our current situation, she may be cake eating enjoying having two men interested in her/in her life...if she really wanted one and not other one would think she would say so. I'm really wondering if, despite her cool demeanor, she's confused on some level and wondering if she did the right thing?
So then maybe on some extremely small level...I am getting another chance with this hanging out, lunches, etc(even though I keep almost blowing it with my pursuits)? (I also realize my pursuits make the OM look better...as he doesnt have to do anything and she will probably come to see him.)
I dunno...I'm sitting here again missing my SO (even though I'm trying to distract myself by watching a movie)...and thinking the above thoughts lift me out of the dumps a little bit.
I mean, if they're just hanging out watching tv and talking, while I dont like it, is there any kind of damage being done to my daughter psychologically by her being there?
You'd have to ask a Child Psychologist or Children's/Family Counselor.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
...she may be cake eating...
MAY be cake eating?? C'mon, nsw.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I only meant "may" as in "even though" she's cake eating.
At any rate...I'm starting to look forward to tomorrow morning. I just have to play it cool, as this will be the last time we do anytihng together until at least next week, if then even, and I dont want to mess up like I did yesterday. I'm gonna have to try like hell not to look at her like I do.
Hmm...well I dont think the gym hurt my sitch...but it may not have helped either.
My SO and I had agreed to meet at 9:30 at the gym and about 9:20 I got a call saying she fell back asleep after I called her. (I think she is still having depression issues despite her now living with her dad and her initial assertion that living with me is what caused her depresion).
So anyway, she ended up not getting there until 10AM. We worked out, played basketball together (she loved that...was laughing and smiling left and right), and had a generally good time. As we were finishing up I asked her and she said she had fun.
There was a minor hiccup when we were using the cardio equipment...I was asking her about the KidsClub/daycare and she said she probably wouldnt need it as she would just come early enough that she wouldn't have our daughter yet. I said something along the lines of if she was interested maybe we could work out together and how a lot of time people's exercise routines are more productive when they do it with another person. She didnt seem repulsed by the idea but wasnt enthusiastic either, and I just threw it out there with no further pressure/discussion.
At any rate, the big problem came when we were leaving and I asked if we should talk to one of the gym reps. She was interested in prices but she was hesistant about talking to someone because she had to be at work in 25 mins.
So I should have just agreed that we could come back another day, but since they had membership price specials going on today I went ahead and asked for a rep. Well that was a mistake...he started asking all these questions, going through a sales pitch, even offering a tour. We declined the tour as we had already been working out and she had seen the gym.
At this point my SO was looking at me with annoyed eyes and I mouthed "I'm sorry" to her. The rep went through some of the packages, and he actually asked if she and I would be working out together. My SO responded that it would depend on the times.
So some of the plans he laid out seemd a little pricey to me and I didnt want my SO to get taken advantage of, so I asked about other options. Of course this added to the time it was taking. He ended up asking if my SO would be on my account (where it would be one bill of our memberships together, coming to me) and I didnt really know what to say(she would pay me of course...I'm not footing her bill). I asked if there was any sort of discount for that, and he came back with the best offer yet.
I asked my SO what she thought and if she would be ok with that and she asked the same of me. I told her I was fine with it if she was ok with it. At this point she had 5 minutes to be at work and wasnt gonna make it as she still had to go home and shower. So we just told the rep we would think about it and come back another day.
My SO gave our daughter a hug and said "see ya" to me. I know she was irritated, but it wasnt blatantly obvious.
After I left I felt really bad at making her late. I wanted to send her a message/call and apologize, but I held off because I figured if she was really irritated at me, the apology might fall on deaf ears and or add to her frustration
After I got to thinking about it, while it was my fault since I suggested talking to the rep, it wasnt my fault that he kept going on and on, and it wasnt my fault in that had she gotten to the gym at 9:30 as we had agreed, there would have been more than enough time.
She ended up calling me about a half hour ago to see if my daughter and I had made it home yet...apparently there were some big trucks that had a wreck on a main road between the gym and our house. I told her that we were home, thanked her for calling to check, and told her I'd talk to her later. She didnt sound irritated and it was nice to get the call.
Now that I'm thinking about it though, I wonder if she was sitting on that road stuck in traffic when she called. I hope she didnt want to talk more and I kind of brushed her off. I can just imagine her thinking "what a jerk...he makes me late for work and when I call to check on him and tlak a little he gives me the brush off". I wasnt rude...and maybe she wasnt interested in talking more.
At any rate...like I said I dont think today hurt our sitch any, but it didnt help either.
I guess we'll see tomorrow. The next 3 days are gonna be rough for me...as now that I know about the OM I know these days are when she usually sees him.
So I broke down a little while ago. The rollercoaster was at full speed.
I think what started it was thinking about how I ended my last post and how she's going to likely be spending time with him this weekend.
That made me think how much I want to tell her not to spend time with him and spend more time with me...and how telling her any of that would just make things worse.
But at the same time...I start to wonder what if she really was being honest with me...and they are just friends at this point. If I were to say anything about her not spending time with him, I would be telling her who her friends could be...and even if we were together, I couldn’t or wouldn’t do that.
And to be honest...I've had female friends that I was attracted to and wished it would be more. (Not during the time that she and I were together...I wouldn’t do that.) But right now, she and I aren’t together...so them being friends and her wishing it were more isn’t anything technically.
It just drives me crazy that the more time they spend together...the greater the chance of "whatever happens, happens" happening.
And she's probably so smitten with him that it wouldn’t take much for that to happen. What guy his age (41) wouldn’t want a beautiful 26 year old? And if it does happen, it makes me angry to think he might be using her and her vulnerability...and all it took was being an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on when she talks about her problems. He may have been waiting to make his move..."I can’t believe he did that." or "I'm sorry you had to live with someone like that."
The thought of them together just makes me sick...literally. Every time it happens I literally start retching and choking like I'm gonna throw up.
If he does (want to) pursue her...I wish I could give him a piece of my mind...let him know he's coming between a family. But then that would blow up in my face too. Even if he did have a conscience and agree to bow out...unless he did it in a way that treated my SO like crap, it would probably make her want him more.
Meanwhile, I can’t even get a hug.
She did call me to ask more about the gym membership...so she wasnt turned off by anything that happend this morning.
But still if she and I dont exercise together...it doesnt do me any good for her to be a member. Like I said she may just be getting into shape for him...and my bright idea of showing it to her may have enabled it. I'm beginning to think that nothing I do wont push her closer to him somehow.
Is there anything or any way anyone can think of that would encourage (not force) her to spend time with me one on one without our daughter present? Or even encourage her to spend less time with him?
I know being patient, not contacting her, etc. can help...but I was hoping for something a little less passive...something that doesnt make me feel so helpless.
"I know you're trying...but it's still kinda pushing."
Encouragement and discouragement in the same breath...but we still parted on positive vibes.
Today has been a good day so far.
My SO came over to pick up our daughter this morning...she was over an hour late and kept saying sorry for being late. I wasnt angry and told her it wasnt a big deal. We chit-chatted for a bit...then she mentioned something about wanting to get her hair done. I ask when she was going and she asked why...so with it being 11:30 I said I wanted to know if she wanted to go to lunch.
She said yeah and asked if I just wanted to go to the mall and eat since that was where she was getting her hair done. I was fine with that and so we went...had a nice lunch. She even paid me a big compliment as a father when our D said something offhand about wanting me to go on to the gym and my SO told her that wasnt nice and that she should be glad to have me "because daddy loves you and not all daddies are as caring as he is". Then my SO went over to the salon to get started while I sat with our daughter who wasnt done eating.
We went over to the salon and sat down, and after about 5 mins my SO said "you can just leave her (our daughter) there and go if you need to."
my heart sank...as I was thinking she was telling me to take a hike. I sat quietly for a moment and then asked her if she wanted me to go and she said it didnt matter she just thought I might need to be somewhere/go to the gym. so I hung around.
As she was getting her hair fixed and a few other things done, I happened to catch a glimpse of her and I almost broke down right there in the salon. She looked so beautiful...and all I could think to myself was "what have I done? how could I have been so blind as to push her away?". I ended up having to excuse myself and take a quick walk around the mall to get myself together.
when it was all over and done with, she thanked me several times for staying and sitting with our daughter(who gets restless sitting an hour and a half at the salon)...going so far as to look deep into my eyes at one point when she was saying it. It was kind of weird...for a second I thought a hug or something might be coming. Maybe thats how she feels when I give her "the look" that she doesnt like. (of course in my case if a hug had come along I would have been floating on cloud 9)
as we were heading towards the mall exit she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing and she said that I seemed upset ever since she told me that they might be going to her divorced friend's house tonight. I guess she thought I was upset and thinking that her and the OM were gonna go there together when she meant her and my daughter were going. I told her I wasnt upset and really only asked because I was wanting to know what she was doing tonight after our D went to sleep.
That's when she said "I promise-promise I will try to find a night next week after work when I'm not so tired and will come over to have drinks." I pleasantly and calmly told her that if she was too tired it was ok, that she didnt have to come over, and that I didnt want her to do it out of obligation either. I told her it was about relaxing and having fun.
About then is when she surprisingly calmly said what I opened this post with, "I know you're not sure what to do...I know you're trying...but it's still kinda pushing." While it was a bummer to hear her say I was still pushing, it was good to hear her acknowledging my efforts. At least I know stuff isnt going unnoticed.
We joked around and chitchatted a bit more, let our daughter play on the kids rides by the door, then walked to our cars where I helped her get the stroller in her trunk (it's huge and her new car has a smaller trunk opening). She thanked me again and we exchanged goodbyes.
A few hours later she ended up coming back by the house to drop off some stuff she got at the store for our daughter to eat. She even went upstairs and used the bathroom while she was here...which isnt major but it still surprised me because she hasnt done that ever since she moved out. At any rate, she said see ya later, I said have a good night, and again we parted positively.
So there were some minor bumps in what happened today...but all in all a good day so far. :-)
Well that day ended about as horrible as it could have possibly ended.
I outlined what happend in my "help I messed up bad thread"...but I think it really is over, and theres nothing left.
I dont know why I went over there...I knew it felt wrong beforehand...and that I would probably find them together like I did...but I did it anyway.
Now I've let myself down and my daughter down...my SO said that if I had any chance in hell it's gone now...we're doen and she's moving on with OM.
She'll be here in an hour to drop off our daughter...if she even comes instead of her father.
I'm so drained...so scared...and so angry with myself for pushing her away yet again.
I wanna ask her to forget about what happened last night...but I doubt she will. I know I have to at least apologize and reassure her that it wont happen again...but I dont even know if I'll get the chance to.
