#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

By the way, the mattress that H is currently sleeping on is a twin sized one (a spare that I suggested he take)...what he wants is a double.

[flowmom]

I'm tempted to reply:
Take the bed/couch, I'll sleep on the spare mattress because buying new furniture is not a spending priority for our family, in my opinion.

[flowmom]

This is what I replied:

I know that getting a better night's sleep is really important for you right now. Go ahead and take the bed. Rather than spending money on a new bed and mattress, I would prefer that the money go to debt repayment, occupational therapy for S, or important home repairs.

[flowmom]

How are you able to have two places to live when the financial situation is so dire? I may has missed something in your posts...

We can't afford it. H insisted on renting a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm sure it's because he was advised to do that for custody reasons. Realistically, unless I increase my earnings, there just isn't enough money to pay off debt and fund a second apartment. H may have a strategy to ask for 50% custody so he doesn't have to pay child support.

How are the kids handling this?

They are mostly confused at this point. S started having nightmares for the first time in his life, and D has been having worse than usual sleep issues. They're both acting a lot more fragile. The separation was presented as a temporary thing (that wasn't said implicitly, but it was implied) so they don't understand that this could be permanent.

[flowmom]

from another thread:

BBJ for years I let my XH run me around when it came to visitation w/ D14. Keep in mind, SG is her SF. Anyhoo...that was one of SG's biggest complaints, that we always had to work around XH's schedule.

When we got to NY, I told XH that the weekends were HIS time w/ D14, and if he had to work, it was his responsibility to take the initiative and make sure she was taken care of.

Wow. Working around H`s schedule has always been a problem because his work is on an 8-day cycle and he works days and nights. That`s one of my fears if we D -- that I`ll still have to work around H`s schedule if I truly want my children to continue to have a very involved father.

[January girl]

That`s one of my fears if we D -- that I`ll still have to work around H`s schedule if I truly want my children to continue to have a very involved father.

That may fall under the category of "necessary evil" when it comes to co-parenting. Don't worry about that today-wait and
cross that bridge when you come to it. I'm hoping you have some peace today since that's what we all need from time to time while on this crazy ride. I'm sure, knowing what a great mom that you are, you will make it work if need be.
JG

[CityGirl]

Hi Flowmom -

You may *want* your children to have a very involved father if you and your H divorce however that is not something you can control at all. And yes, you and your H will have to work as co-parents for a very long time since your children are young but what you *want* to happen within the R of your children and their dad is not something you can "fix" or "create".

The more you do that now (put yourself at the mercy of your H's schedule so he can be the parent you want him to be), the bigger disappoint you are setting yourself up for if you do divorce.

I understand you want to be the advocate for your children and you should certainly follow that path. It is up to your H, not you to create a strong father/child(ren) R.

[june72]

How are you able to have two places to live when the financial situation is so dire? I may has missed something in your posts...

We can't afford it. H insisted on renting a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm sure it's because he was advised to do that for custody reasons.

If this is the case then I personally would continue to not work and keep a financial detailed history. He wants to afford this D so badly- let him work two jobs. He wants an apartment so badly let him deal with the finances. If you suddenly start to work it will make getting a D easier for him. Can the courts force you to work eventually?

Can you file a separation to protect what money is left? I seem to read a lot of MLCer's going right though the money to bankruptcy. I mean you have to look out for your kids. They are what's most important of course.

How much documentation can you get about your son's disability. I know I have quarterly evals and reports from therapists. I know that one mom in the Surviving D section was eventually forced to send her 2 autistic children to school by her husbnad via the court system (she was home schooling)- Gosh was it Kat? I can't remember which person exactly it was. It seemed like basically the exH wanted her to no longer be a SAHM mom so he could pay less child support. Would your husband sink that low?

How is his family reacting to all of this? Are they supplicating him? Against it?

Sorry things are the way they are

[flowmom]

Thanks for the replies CG and june. It really gives me a boost to get people responding to my thread.

If this is the case then I personally would continue to not work and keep a financial detailed history.

I am keeping records. I need legal advice as to whether working is a bad idea right now.

He wants to afford this D so badly- let him work two jobs.

He basically has been working 2 jobs for quite a while already -- one of his jobs is a business that he put more and more time into...it makes money, but in this economy not as much as he'd like.

He wants an apartment so badly let him deal with the finances.

Well, you can't get blood from a stone. We have increased family costs, and realistically H can't earn more money. He has been dealing with provider stress and that's part of what precipitated this marriage crisis. Me taking more responsibility for earning is kind of a 180 (not that I feel that it was realistic for me to do a lot of earning given my parenting and household reponsibilities in the last few years).

If you suddenly start to work it will make getting a D easier for him. Can the courts force you to work eventually?

If H got 50% custody he would not be obligated to pay any spousal or child support, I believe (need to confirm with lawyer).

Can you file a separation to protect what money is left?

There is no money left. We have some assets and some debt. H is playing ball with giving me a cut of the income that comes in, and paying the mortgage so I have enough money to pay bills and buy food and small necessities, but in the medium/long term it's worrisome.

I seem to read a lot of MLCer's going right though the money to bankruptcy.

H does spend money to feel better, but I believe that he's doing his best to restrict spending, which is not exactly frugal but he is trying.

I mean you have to look out for your kids. They are what's most important of course.

My gut feeling is to "play nice" right now. H has said that he doesn't want to do the "financial terrorism" that he's seen happen with the many divorced guys at his work. At least now, H knows that throwing me into a financial crisis would hurt our children and that is very, very important to him. We have a situation with a fair amount of goodwill on the coparenting side, and I don't want to jeopardize that.

How much documentation can you get about your son's disability.

We are still going through diagnostic processes, which involves waiting lists and gatekeepers in Canada. If we are really lucky, we'll get a diagnosis (if applicable) by September, which would entitle us to the funding that our S needs for therapy and interventions.

I know that one mom in the Surviving D section was eventually forced to send her 2 autistic children to school by her husbnad via the court system (she was home schooling)- Gosh was it Kat? I can't remember which person exactly it was. It seemed like basically the exH wanted her to no longer be a SAHM mom so he could pay less child support.

Can anyone point me to that person's thread? That's one of my fears . There would be a huge financial incentive for the wage-earning parent to do that, because it would cut down the number of child care custody hours that would need to be divided up, making it more likely that the higher income parent would be able to do 50% custody (or a high proportion), and pay little or no child support.

Would your husband sink that low?

I don't know. Although he has been on board with homeschooling until now (enthusiastically), I could see him talking to buddies at work whose special needs children "are doing fine" in school and convincing himself that it might actually be better for our S (which I don't believe). And I don't imagine he relishes the idea of handing over cash to me for years to come.

How is his family reacting to all of this? Are they supplicating him? Against it?

I don't really know. I phoned them after the separation just to give them an opportunity to ask me questions and they were kind of stunned. Then his dad flew in for a visit with H, but didn't contact me. I don't imagine they are encouraging him to separate from us, but then again I don't think H would take much stock in their advice anyway.

[flowmom]

I got my hair done today. I was realizing that I've been GAL since last summer. After MC ended last May, I realized that I had to start doing things for myself and thinking about renewing myself. There weren't any huge changes, but I did start to colour my hair and take more care with my appearance. On some level I did realize that rebuilding my identity couldn't wait any longer.

Then I started thinking about how liberating it would be to not care about what H thinks of me. H who I've tried really hard to please, but only managed to get him run screaming from me (figuratively). I don't have to let H's rigid, harsh, critical side determine my self-worth. I can give myself the gift of not giving a sh!t what he thinks of me.

I really haven't accepted the reality of the situation yet (unlikely that reconciliation will occur)...not at all. But I do feel some detachment from H, like part of me can look at him like he's a strange alien, and it doesn't have much to do with me. At least part of the time, his stories and dramas are not really my problem. And when they become my problem, that becomes CG's problem, 'cause she's my chief 2x4-wielder .