Exhibiting leadership is really your only option. You don't have the choice of leaving it to your wife; she doesn't see the need and will not lead.
With the sensate exercises you're talking about, that might leave you without many options. I don't know that you can do those by yourself. Maybe it would be a good idea to compromise and do the first few sessions with clothing, maybe removing only a few items of clothing after that and working your way up to nudity. Her aversion to touch seems to be extreme. Actually, she sounds like she's scared to death. It would be interesting to take her pulse and blood pressure when you start talking about touching or being naked together.
With the video, it's easier. You watch the video without her if necessary, but not hidden from her. Watch it in the living room and invite her to join you. If she doesn't, go ahead anyway. She may join you, she may act like nothing happened, or she may react with the same fear and anger as before, but at least you're doing something.
I don't know whether this would be an issue for you, but I know that one thing that helped bring my wife around was when I made an effort to slow down and give her a lot of time to make up her mind about everything. It sounds like you've been trying to give her a lot of space, but maybe too much. There's a balance between an open-ended "let's try this if you're ready sometime" and "we've got an hour before dinner, let's take our clothes off." About one day's warning worked best for my wife.
At first, it felt like I was admitting that it would take a day or so for her to steel her nerves for the hateful chore of touching her husband, but with time I felt better and better.
