Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Just found out something interesting.

WAW's mother has added her as friend on FB.

WAW has been on FB for 10 mths and this seems out of the blue.

Months ago when I was snooping on W's EA computer conversations I recall she mentioned to OM that she really missed her mum and would love to be able to 'just talk to her'. Now WAW only has mobile phone, she won't be able to do that much I would guess.

Not sure what the abbrev for Grandparents is so I'll call them GPs.

Anyway, GP's just adore the 3 kids and have not seen, heard from or contacted them since bomb day 6 months ago - not even for Birthdays. They still send presents - gift vouchers, which WAW will say she has waiting for them, and why not come over and get it. Must be hard on them to lose their grandchildren - but not my problem, they could contact if they wanted to.

Not really sure what my point is here, just that I find it interesting that WAW's mother would add her as friend after all this time, and yes I should stop mindreading.


BTW as from above, this bit is for Puppy to add to the Intel gathering Arsenal.

UltraVNC installed on WAS's laptop allows you to see their screen in real time and it's free - we use it at work for remote support of our PC users. Several times WAW started typing and then backspaced to write something else. I vividly remember once EA OM asked her if it would be worth trying to reconcile. She typed in "Yeah Maybe", but before she could finish he chimed in with "Or is it too late?". WAW did nothing for a few seconds then backspaced and typed "For me Yeah".

[blownaway65]

OK so how do I handle this ?

Back in October the 2 younger kids and I decided to play tennis for our town and asked W if she wanted to play as well. Was an attempt to get us doing something as a family. She said OK.

So we are playing together, 8 in a team, the 4 of us and whoever else makes up the other 4. We didn't play the last 3 matches of last year because it was too hard for me to be there, played 2 weeks ago (when I discovered W's PA), but not last week - team had to forfeit.

Everyone else in the team knows W and I are separated, but not about PA.

When I set my boundary about the A 2 weeks ago I said we would not be her friends while the A continued and to get her stuff out of the house as well.

How do I turn up and play tennis with her on Saturday knowing that she will be going straight to OM's after we finish and there's not a damn thing I can do about it?

Kids just love tennis (as do I) and they are keen to play whether she is there or not. Man I wish I could detach as well as they do. You'd think they had been through detachment school

[Coach]

How do I turn up and play tennis with her on Saturday knowing that she will be going straight to OM's after we finish and there's not a damn thing I can do about it?

Imagine the OM's head is the ball.

Promise you will play with a little more gusto.

Cheers

[sandi2]

This may sound a bit cold, but if the other players know about you & w having problems--then they should not expect you to show up and play with her. You will see that I don't know much about this, but shouldn't you bow out and tell them to get a replacement for you? Why would you even consider placing you or your family in a position like that? It doesn't matter how much they love tennis.....this is your M for crying out loud. You've laid a boundary. How serious do you think your W will take you if you show up for play time?

Even if nobody knew, you have to make decisions about the MR (which is much more important than tennis)and you can't have it both ways. Don't use this tennis match to try and figure out how you can play with your W, b/c it isn't worth it. Some things have to fall second (or farther on down) than your self-respect. IMHO, you would be forfeiting respect from her, for yourself, and maybe those who know about the stitch.

I'm sure you've pictured yourself doing it somethow and being all cool about it, but i don't think you could pull it off this soon. It's too raw & too fresh. I just believe it would give her the wrong message. Like you said, she would play with you then go be with OM.

[blownaway65]

Just wondering if I should expose WAW's Adultery to W's parents and put across to them how much the kids are hurting and that I'm still open to reconciliation if W stops A.

I'm pretty sure she will not have told them about OM (not even in a "I've moved on and I've started seeing someone else" kind of way).

I think this is a BIG secret for her that she hasn't told anyone. BIL will know because she is away so many nights, but then again she told him she was housesitting for a work friend at the start - Cheaters always Lie right.

[sandi2]

Just for the record, what would you expect to accomplish by telling her parents?

[blownaway65]

Geez I'm glad I found this place. When I went thru in my head the exposing to parents scenarios, they all made perfect sense.

Sandi as soon as I read your 1 liner I realized what a dumb thing that would be to do. Of course it wouldn't make any difference to WAW or her parents, just alienate me more.

Thanks for that, gotta get my head on straight I think and keep running my "ideas" thru the DB filter.

Anyway to Tennis. We all played AND WON yay. I said only polite Thank You's to WAW when she retrieved a wayward ball for me, nothing more (my boundary included that we wouldn't be her friends while A was continuing).

S16 said that at arvo tea, when I got up to take my coffee cup to sink WAW just watched me all the way and had a really guilty look on her face.

As soon as we had finished our last set me and the kids jumped straight in the car and headed off home. Sandi, RAW and hurtful as today was I think I managed to do a decent job of sticking to my boundary. I can't wait till she sees the other boundary consequence, that I've got rid of all her stuff from the house.

I know she'll end up at OM's tonite, but I figure she's betrayed our wedding vows once, more than that isn't "much" worse in the overall scheme of things.

Kids and I are having a nice roast chicken for tea tonite, W & OM can have whatever the he11 they want.

I took the moral high ground.

[blownaway65]

Edit: When I say I can't wait till she sees the other boundary consequence.... it sounds like I mean it in a vindictive way - that's not the way I mean it, rather in a "He said he would do it, I didn't think he would, but he did - F*$k !!!"

And I gotta say, I didn't actually take all her stuff to the Charity shop, it's all boxed up and stored in my folks garage for any eventuality, but I don't gotta tell her that do I.

And 1 more thing about Tennis, I was all smiles and happy as though not a care in the world, as were the kids.

[sandi2]

You were very strong during that tennis match! If she could see that it did not effect your game b/c it "she" was not affecting you, then it had a good outcome. Will you have anymore of these scheduled events?

I will tell you a little about my feelings regarding exposure. As a AWAW, it was still very fresh/raw from my POV and I could not agree with exposing for a long time. I saw it as a very vindictive act. It was after I read Old Chocolate Eyes thread that caused me to realize that in some cases where the D cannot be busted.....then bust the A.

I will tell you one thing that I don't like to see here on the board. That is when a newcomer is told right off the bat to expose his W's A and the board member doesn't give enough information or else they forsake that newcomer at the point of exposure!! That really upsets me. I have found myself caught a couple of times tryng to walk a LBH through that.....and the board member(s) who encourage the exposure left the thread and then the newcomer would leave b/c his M was really screwed after his exposure. I would never know what happened after the exposure b/c the newcomers would stop posting. It's not a good feeling, I can tell you that! The thing I appreciate about Puppy's advice to people is that he tells them exactly how to do it....what to say, etc. And, I've never seen Puppy forsake a person during the time of exposure. These are people's lives that we are telling them what to do and I know of a couple that it has worried me not knowing what might have occurred when the exposure took place.

Anyway, I feel that if the W is very blantent in her attitude about the A and just doesn't care who knows (including her children) then that is time for exposure (if there is anyone left to expose her to). If the M cannot be saved b/c of the A, then exposure is necessary.

There is one thing that always draws me back to my original feelings regarding exposure. I could not see myself being in the arms of the man who exposed me to my children, family, friends, etc. I think it would have affected future feelings in our R after trying to reconcile. It is very hard to explain from the POV of a WAW b/c the LBS will naturally see the opposing side of it. The exposure is no worse than the A was to her H. But, it is a problem that I believe will linger on unless the couple is strong enough to overcome it. Even if they do, there is the stituation with everyone else knowing that intimate detail of your life .....and that is tough.

So, even if I agree that some should expose....I think it needs to be throughly thought out and have all the facts of what to do and the possible outcomes/fallout.

[blownaway65]

I see your point, I see both sides of the argument, but especially the negativily exposure could cause in WAS towards LBS.

I've talked over exposure with the kids, they all agree that it isn't a good idea and think it will "make mum hate you".

So I'm going to sit on my hands as far as that goes for the time being. If OM were married (and I wish that he was) then it would be a different story I think and much easier, after all, his W would have a right to know.

I think that I'm starting to see longing in WAW towards the kids, and possibly a bit of awakening that they aren't really interested in her. Her very short interactions with them I'm sure are causing her to miss them and their coolness towards her must hurt like daggers - especially when she says goodbye to them. Maybe that will finish up being her "rock bottom".

OM has a 12 or 13 year old D, as far as I can remember back (5 years or so) it's been just the 2 of them - not sure what happened to his M.

I'd guess that OM's D wouldn't be all that thrilled with a new woman taking all of daddy's time and attention from her - well I hope that's the case anyway and I could be wrong after all I'm not a 13 year old girl. If that's the case then that rejection will hurt WAS more.

I really think that the best thing I can do now is to show WAS that I'm getting on with my life, as are the kids and that we don't NEED her, but at the same time leaving the door slightly ajar for when/if she hits the wall.

If that happens then the really hard bit starts I suppose.

Cheers Sandi