Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

So I have a pit in my stomach...I saw H's last month's debit card statement sitting as his parents house (most of his mail goes there), so I grabbed it. I just needed to see if he really was making progress or not. Ugg. Thanksgiving weekend... Vegas trip! I obviously don't know any of the details of it, but it sure makes my mind go crazy...who did he go with, what did he do, etc etc. I just see all these food and bar charges so I'm not sure who paid for the room. I had thought we were close at that time (that's when we had those great couple of days together over Thanksgiving) but this whole thing just seems kind of deceitful. There's really no way for me to bring it up to him now, but just something I have to keep in the back of my mind. Also depressing, was the whole rest of the statement is filled with various bar charges. Wow, if he would stop going out and partying, he could be a rich man (well obvious not rich, but able to live within his means completely without support from his parents). Again, this goes back to his parents enabling. See what they are enabling!!! He always tells me that he is not an alcoholic, he just drinks socially. Well maybe that is true, but when you have a lifestyle where there is the opportunity to drink every night and you do, it's still a problem. He doesn't get that and it's frustrating! Maybe he's not a true alcoholic b/c I believe he could stop if he wanted to but he doesn't want to give up this fun, party lifestyle (all going back to the selffishness). Well, this statement only went thru 12/21/09, so it would be a lot more interesting to see the current statement as he tells me he has "cut back on drinking". Ok, Mr. shot boy. Also interesting would be to see his purchases from Christmas Eve. That's when he went Christmas shopping and bought my gift, so I would like to know who else he bought for. You know, I would like to trust him, but b/c of so much past lies and deception, I need to see the proof myself that things are different. Honestly, right now, I wish I could tell him to go jump in a lake. I think I'm foolish to believe he will ever really change if that means sacrificing his "friends" and bar lifestyle. But I promised myself I would give him that chance, so I will continue on...

I think I'm having a hard time too right now b/c I'm just exhausted. A lot of stress at work right now and then S has been getting me up at night. Not sure what's going on with that. He used to be such a great sleeper. I just feel so worn out... =\

[awest1217]

On S, he might be growing. Sometimes growing either makes them sleep more or less, and in your case could be less.

I think you just need to sit down and write to yourself in a journal what your last straw is. For example, H is making progress slowly on the depression, but making a boundary for the drinking will be good. Also honestly going to a alcoholic's family meeting could be helpful. Even if he isn't an "alcoholic" some of the suggestions could still be helpful and maybe they can help you talk to his parents about enabling and being part of the solution instead of helping him.

You are doing great and if you get a chance (I know there isn't much due to S and tax season), but take even an hour one night to do something you want to do to rejuvenate yourself. Even if it is just a long bath. Do something for you.

[Lucky11too]

Omg, this site just became even more useful for it's journaling of historical events. So back on page 11 when I was complaining about how H wasn't responding to any of my texts and I was afraid he was in the hospital or something and finally I got a response that he was "in a cloud all weekend" (Nov 21-23), that was the weekend he went to Vegas!!!! Omg, it makes so much sence now. I had a feeling he was off somewhere that weekend, but now I have proof. My detective skills are coming out. Haha. I don't know, I just really want to call him out on it, but there's no way for me to do it without spilling the beans. I want to be able to have access to future statements if we move forward until I am able to trust him again. Hmm...

Oh, yeah, that's true about S. I bet that could be it. He's been extra hungry too. It's so tough being a baby - all the growing pains and such...

I definitely need to start figuring out exactly what I want and expect from H if we are to reconcile. Awest - you've done a great job on this, so I'll take some of your ideas. I just feel like I don't know what I want exactly right now. Of course I want my marriage to work but I just get tired of trying sometimes and always putting up the face with him to be strong enough for the both of us... Well, I guess I should definitely look into the family of alcoholics meetings. I'll need all the support and suggestions I could get to get thru this...

So I have a coupon to get a massage at a local spa. I think as soon as I'm done with tax season, it's going to be a night of pampering for me! Gives me something to look forward to. =)

[awest1217]

Watch the detective work, and don't let it consume you. Also with the looking at things, it is good to know, but then if you get into an argument it is very easy to throw what you have learned in H's face, which then you regret so just be careful with what you are doing and make sure if you are going to confront him, you do it in a manner that is not when you are trying to hurt him. You deserve to know the truth, but as you and H start getting closer, which right now is slowly coming, make sure you tell him that you would like access to his accounts and why. Now this is a long way away, but if he truly wants you to work, he will be willing to show you everything because he will have nothing to hide.

Be careful and guard your tongue so you don't use your knowledge as a weapon. Keep on working and stay strong because progress is coming slowly.

[Lucky11too]

I completely agree. I'm over the Vegas issue now. I'm not going to bring it up. That was in the past and I need to let it stay there. He has made a lot of progress since then (getting the scan, going to therapy, etc), so no point in bringing up old things. Staying in the present.

That being said, the present is not so good. Not in a good place right now. Last night was a disaster. So it started off good - H called to see if he could come over and see S and I. Very cool. Yes, of course! He wants to spend his night off with us! Progess again! He comes over and has a great time playing with S. A lot of good laughter, etc. After S goes to bed, we spend some good time together, laughing over some of the funny stories from the week. Then I asked him how he was doing since I know he had a hard time last weekend (the whole "I get so angry sometimes" text). He said that he was NOT doing better. So I asked if something had set him off at work or what caused him to get angry. He replies that it was just a drunk text. That he got super drunk on Friday and that's why he had passed out and was too hung over to come and help me with S on Saturday (when I asked him to come help b/c S was still sick and my parents were gone). I started fuming inside! On Thursday night, he had given me the spiel that he wanted to come & help me (when I was up the WHOLE NIGHT trying to keep S's 104.5 fever down) but he had to go to work at 9am the next morning. Fine. So that night, when he was off and had a chance to help me, he decides to go off and get drunk. He knew I was struggling, he knew I was exhausted, and yet once again, he abandoned us again. It was like Dejevu back to when I moved out - me stuggling & exhausted dealing with a brand new baby, and H just abandoning us to go out and party. So angry and hurt! I was trying to decide what to do b/c I felt like throwing him out of the house right then and there. And then he asks me what's wrong. My response (although I felt like tearing his head off) was that I was sad that that he did come and help me on Friday night (you know they say to put it in your feelings instead of blaming them directly which just makes them defensive). Then he just shuts down. He tells me how he can't have empathy for me b/c he blames me for all this hardship. Omg, when is he going to take responsibility for his actions!!! So then I try to remind him to remember his role in this breakdown too. He was the nerve to say, "well you left me so easily. It's the 'so easy' part that gets me off the hook". WHAT?!!! And it just continues to downward sprial. When we were having the good time, he said he was going to leave shortly to go to the gym, now he says, ok, I'm leaving. I'm going to go get drunk. What?! I asked why. I don't remember his exact words, but it was something about how b/c I was upset that now he's upset and how he doesn't care about anything and he's just going to go drink. Ok, so I'm not allowed to get upset about anything (esp when I have a valid reason for being upset) b/c it might upset him? Uh, I don't think so. So then I tell him to make sure to go help his mom with S tomorrow since he was super fussy for her yesterday, and he says no, that he would probably be too hung over. I tell him that that is not an excuse and he tells me that it's not an exuse, it's just the way it is. Then he goes on to say how he doesn't have any money and can't pay his car registration or insurance and I encouraged him to cut back where he can, but he says he just doesn't care. Finally he leaves, and I just broke down. I haven't cried since this new year began, but it all just came to a head and all the emotions that I had been pushing back so hard so that I could appear strong, just came out.

I think I'm coming to realize the fact that I'm never going to have my happy ending with H, but unfortunately, for S's sake, I need to remain stronger for a bit longer. He said the therapist is sending him back to the pychiatrist to get put on ADD medication (which I pray he'll be open to since he has been so anti-medication). He thinks she sending him back to him too b/c he's too complicated of a case for her. I only hope that one of them can get thru to him. He is not a good person right now and he has to get this under control. I'm feeling so lost right now b/c I don't want to hurt anymore but I also know I'm the ONLY positive influence in his life right now and the only chance for him help himself. Ug, just exhausted, stressed, and completely emotionally drained right now...

[awest1217]

I am so sorry Lucky! I swear the more I hear your story it is just like what my H says when I get upset. He says he is going to just go and die and quit his job and just leave and it doesn't matter anymore because he hates himself. I guess the only good thing about my sitch is H is finally blaming only himself and yours still blames you.

It is strange H is going back to the psychiatrist. I wonder if they really feel meds are good, but with the drinking, the meds may not work. He really needs an intervention, but it can't come from you. If only someone else in his life was willing to stand up to him and say this is enough you are hurting yourself and with you everyone else you love.

Stay strong, you are still doing well. Maybe take some small time for you...long bath? It is hard to stay strong all the time, but you did everything right. You told him how you felt calmly. He just can't handle it and possibly he is mad at himself, but he would rather put everything on you because it is easier (that is what my H said last night. He was never mad at me, but it was easier to say I was to blame instead of looking at himself). Find time for you in this busy season. You still have just over two months of craziness at work so try to possibly tone down everything with H. Really put him on the back burner by only responding to him and not getting to involved so you can put as much energy into work and mostly you and S.

[Lucky11too]

I was really hoping that as he was getting help for the other issues that the drinking would get fixed too. He said he was cutting back before but now as soon as the depression comes back (very cyclical), he turns right back to it. =\

I'm just not sure what to do with this whole situation. I haven't talked to H since that night. It's weird how quiet it is b/c we had gotten to a point where we were used to talking all the time. I don't want him to back track too far but on the other hand, his actions are still not ok and I'm still upset that he wasn't there for us b/c he was too busy getting stupid drunk! I can't "discuss" the issues with the him b/c it's useless as he completely shuts down and gets in defense mood, but I can't just act like everything is all happy too. Do I just go in wait mood and don't contact him until he contacts me? I don't want him to sit there and build more resentment against me but on the other hand, he needs to have some consequences for his actions. Any thoughts on how i should handle this currently? Obviously there are huge issues long term, but I need a plan of action for the short term.

Also, this is the weekend OW is moving back to her hometown (last I heard), so I'm sure they'll find that as a great excuse to have a going away drunk bash. Great. What's weird is that he seems done with that whole "friendship". He removed her from his FB friends last week and hasn't spoken about her recently. It's funny after all the time he told how they were just friends and how he saw her as a "lifetime friend" that he could now be done with her so easily. Whatever. But it seems he's already finding other people to fill that void - partially me but then also all his new party boy friends. Not good.

One last thing I remembered from our discussion from the other night. He said he found someone who he thinks he might room with next. It's one of his sports bar friends that is a manager at a restaurant nearby - but at least it's a guy. I asked him if he was a clean guy, and he asked what I meant, and I said about him not into drugs and alcohol. He said, well of course he drinks. We all drink. I tried to tell him that he should find a roommate that would be a good influence on him and it just made him more annoyed. It saddens me that it doesn't even appear to be a thought on his mind (or at least he doesn't say anything) about moving back with us. I don't know what he wants out of this life, but I don't think he exactly does either...

[awest1217]

I would say wait until he contacts you. He is probably going to resent you more, but honestly you aren't telling him he can't contact you, and he is the one who left mad so just sit tight. I know it is lonely because the first few days of the last three weeks were torture, but once you get used to it, it really isn't bad, and with S and work, you will definitely find ways to spend the time youwould talk to H. Maybe even find some time for you until he decides to call or text again.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, I don't even know where to start right now. The craziest 24 hours ever! Not even sure exactly what where my emotions are at. So, I'll try to start at the beginning and hope I won't forget half of it. So, I decided not to contact H and let him contact me first. I get a call from him at 3:30 in the morning last night. He starts off talking about all the anger he is feeling & I just try to diffuse the situation. We talked a lot about his different issues about his depression, ADD, etc and then I'm not sure how but transition into a total R talk led by H. (back story, I don't know if I mentioned it here before, but last summer when H got his 1st tatoo, I came over to surprise him. When I got there, there was this girl stroking H's arm. It wasn't OW, it was some other co-worker girl. H total played it off that she was just there b/c she wanted a tattoo too and was just touching his arm b/c he was in so much pain. Not cool, but I let it go. But now I'll refer to her a OW2.) He started starting talking about when I left he found 2 girls to fill his void. I was like, ok, OW and who? Then this whole story came out about OW2!!!! More on that in a bit. After about an hour, S woke up screaming (nightmears? not sure what's going on there), so we hung up. It was really hard to talk to him b/c he kept mumbling, so I had to keep asking him to repeat everything. Then comes today. I was taking S to this snow day they had at a local park (since we don't have real snow, they were bringing it all in) so I invited H to come with us and have a picnic lunch. He agrees, I pick him up, and then he goes, did I call you last night? What?!!! It turns out he was so stupid drunk, he didn't remember calling me or anything about our conversation (hence the mumbling). He cautiously asked if he said anything about anything. Seriously? Oh, this is getting good now. I used that a little to my advantage of what he did tell me to get the ball rolling on rest of the story. Good news is that he was extremely open and told me everything (well I believe he did) and answered all my questions. So, story on OW, is that he described her as his work wife. You know the whole work wife/home wife thing. He said nothing ever happen between (besides in my words just having an inappropriate emotional relationship w/ another women while being married), but that they had a connection but it would never go anywhere - that they always just fought like an old married couple. Not sure I totally understand it. H also told me (in his drunkedness last night) that he called OW earlier in the evening and told her that he wanted nothing to do with her and that she needed to find a job in her new hometown (I guess she's still making that 2 hour drive-less if no traffic drive to H's place). So it sounds like she is done for good, but the fact is that it never should have happened in the 1st place.

Now to OW2. This one totally thru me off b/c I was so completely in the dark. He starts off by telling me (in our night conversation) that OW2 had asked him to be with her and that she would dump her long time boyfriend for him. (WHAT? Yes, this is the way I learn about her). He said that he responded that No way, that he has a kid with me and can't do that. (I asked about the timing on this and he said this was recent - like early December. This is when we were already reconnecting again, which is lucky, b/c a few months before, I think there was a chance he probably would have gone for it, but I don't know.) Still this is all coming from him, and although he seems completely forthcoming and honest, I still have to take it all with a grain of salt. Ok, so then it gets worse. I tell him that in his drunk talk, he told me about his Vegas trip (which he really didn't). He goes, oh, how much did I tell you? I had nothing else to go on so I just say not much and inquir for more details. He tells me (sheepishly) that he and OW2 went!!!! Awest, I don't know how how handled finding about OH. This just completely crushed me beyond belief. I had to know more so I asked and he said that nothing happened, that he had a horrible time b/c he felt so guilty about me (really? or is that just cheaters remorse), and that he slept on the couch (hmm?). I was pretty much speechless. I did not see that coming at all. He talks too about how much she cared for him and would make dinner all the time for him and how she was just always there for him, which he says I wasn't (which I say I was, but he wouldn't allow me to b/c he kept pushing me away). Oh, he was so darn cocky about why she wanted him. Oh please, in that case, she can have that mental case of a man. Ok, not really but it was really annoying. But anyways, like I said, I just don't know how to feel. We talked about a lot of things and he came clean on all of them, so I have no reason not to believe him, but I still just feel so deceived. Well the end the story with OW2, is that she just moved back to her hometown on the other side of the country (I guess H turning her down was the final deciding factor). So what's totally weird is that now both OW's are supposedly out of is life (if only by luck that circumstances pushed them back to their hometowns, but I might even have to take it as a pure miracle, but on the otherhand, that is the normal affair cycle too, right?), but the fact that so much had happened, is just throwing me completely for a loop. H's therapist called those psedo-relationships b/c basically they weren't going anywhere but to fill his voids. She also told H that he needed to tell me about his feelings toward OW's, but he didn't want to. He said that he guessed it was still on his heart and that it took the alcohol to have the courage to get it out. It was hard to hear, but I'm glad to know. So where does this leave us and are R? This is what the rest of our conversation covered...

So, in good news, therapy is helping! H was telling me how he was learning in therapy that he kept only associating negative thoughts with me (she left me, lost our dogs, lost our house, etc) which only served to push him further away from me. Well, duh, but he needed to come to that realization. He's also getting a betting understanding of his own mind and that of a rational mind (him saying, I feel this but my rational mind says this). Exactly! Yes! He's not able to act on his rational mind yet but the fact that he's able to identify it is huge. Also interesting is that he was 'complaining' so to speak to his therapist that I've been reading all these books so I know how to respond to him or not responds to him now, so that he can't get to me anymore (as ADD males like to do and cause conflict). hahahaha. That was was great. That just showed me that I was doing this whole thing right! =) Let's see, lots of others things - talked about a few expectations as it related to other women if we were to go forward and it "seemed" like we were on the same page. I think the consenus between us is that yes, H has a huge problem, H has to work on these problems and wants to do so, and THEN we can start to work on the marriage. In the time being, we should continue to foster a relationship. All good, but a few things that scare me are 1) religion - he mentioned again today and he does not feel God at all, does not want to go to church, & thinks church people are weird (and darnit, I forgot to use the line that I'm one of them. Grr!) 2)priorities - money & success are just so important to him. I need to know that family will come before his job. This whole thing is just a little scary too. It's all just such gamble. There are lots of issues going on here & I don't know how many can be fixed thru therapy, meds, whatever, and what is just the new him. I'm taking the gamble that things can change for a permanent better. Although I may end up hurt in the end, I feel like I have to take that gamble for that chance to save our M and for our S!

Ok, last thing. (wow, this getting long. SORRY! =\) So went to the snow day and it was packed, no parking etc. So we decided to leave and just find a normal park. This is down in H's area, so I ask him where a park is and he takes me to one by his place. Omg, Beautiful. This park overlooks the Newport Beach bay. Amazing view! It was nice. We continued our talk (see all above), had lunch, took in the view, played with S, etc. So taking a step back, on our way over there, H continues to rub it in that I don't know where he lives. I don't make a issue about it and let it go. Now, big step, as we are driving back, H asks me if I want to know where he lives and shows me. Finally! But ok, I'm jealous. It was just a 1/4 block up from that park surrounded by multi-million dollar homes. When he goes jogging, that's his view. Wow, not fair.

So yeah, still trying to process all this. As you can see, it just all came in one big wave. I don't know how to deal with the OW2 thing but now it's kind of in the past too. Are we done with this OW stage now or are there going to be future OW's 3, 4 5, etc to come? He says he done with that b/c if he didn't "cheat" on me while we were separated (in his definition, as long as he didn't have sex with them, he didn't cheat - which in itself, I'm still hesitant to totally believe), that he definitely wouldn't cheat if we were back together. Arrg, just totally feel like I'm in a whirl wind right now. I feel like he has opened himself up completely to me and wants positive progress forward, but I just need a chance to deal with this new info and figure out a way now to let it not eat at me and jepardize a possible future. I've written all this down, yet I still feel speechless. What are your thoughts on this whole situation???

[awest1217]

You need to just take some time. If H asks to talk or do anything, maybe come up with some legitimate excuse to not talk so you can process everything. OW are the hardest part and the fact that he told you is good, and that he is talking to his therapist about it is good as well because he can work on why. The whole "didn't do anything" is so hard to swallow. As you remember, my H has gone on several trips and lived with his OW off and on and he wants me to believe he has never even slept in the same bed as her, but it is really hard. Watch for progress and write down you new goals. It seems that H is starting to meet many of the ones that you started with so write down new ones for this new stage.

You may also want to read the affair section of DR because you probably didn't read it before very closely since you were dealing with depression. It really helped me to stay strong.

Take some time to process this. Stay strong. Although you have had a huge set back for you, remember H told you himself (I wish my H would do that), he showed you where he lives, and he complimented you on how you are able to handle him. You are doing awesome. Stay strong and take the time you need.