Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

I'm trying to live my life without speaking of H to the girls. D12 says I mention him too much so that is one goal I'm striving for...

I opened my own checking account today, set up my paycheck direct deposit..it may not seem like a big deal, but H has been my 'partner' at this credit union since we were married..everything was joint..just felt odd and kind of overdue!

TF-good suggestion about divorce support groups...googled but didn't find anything except a YMCA class...will keep my eyes open.

I try to imagine myself as a single woman, imagining what my life will be like, in order to get accustomed to the idea..its hard to imagine. I always thought of myself as independent and capable on my own...but I think knowing H was always there was reassuring-that there would be someone there for me should I need help..that "net" is gone and that's a bit scary. The hardest part for me daily is my best friend is gone and there's no one to share the little details of my day, or thoughts with..no one to share my walk through life with.

This is a rather lonely journey right now. I imagine its the same for H.

[Grace_O]

Hey K,

It can be lonely. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have my D's 24/7. At least until they're grown. Of course that also means that all that comes with them is on me too. I will say that H is trying to be there for them. Mostly I think it twists the perspective the girls have. We'll see.

I thought his remark about "not talking" was interesting too. Then again mine isn't a talker.

I do hope to manage to get through tax season without any big issues cropping up.

Have you asked your D12 what she means by you bring him up too much? And what that means to her? I find my D's insights are really fascinating at times.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Hi Grace,
I think just mentionning H -explaining his behavior, or mentionning how they'll split their time between me and him in the future..upsets D12. She hasn't forgiven him for leaving again after moving home. She's mad at both me and H for turning her world upside down..but she lives with me(for now) and would rather avoid her father altogether.

It may be the age of D12 or the MLC or just their prior 'rocky' relationship, but it seems that H has a harder time empathizing with D12, with communicating with her..he often gets angry with her rejection of him...

D12 often reminds H of himself at her age..the things he disliked about himself he attacks in D12.. They are the most similar in many ways.

I have stepped out of the middle there.

I haven't mentionned H except to confirm he contacted both girls yesterday via text to have them join him in looking at another condo he may rent. H hasn't talked to me about this at all.

Last week I put out an invitation for H to join me and D12 to find out information on a educational summer trip she was invited to participate in..H said he'd like to go and I hadn't responded with a time..so I got an email yesterday asking if I still was Ok with him going and if so, what time would we go... of course, D12 doesn't want him going, but he is her father and this trip would affect both of our finances..so I told him a time and he responded that he'll pick us up and we'll all go together.

Nothing else going on. I'm going out to dinner with a girlfriend tonight and probably won't see H...Life keeps on going on..

[Walking]

Hi KJ

Yes - I did mean the Match.com convo ... but I forgot you give yourself bigger 2x4s than we ever could!! Be kind to yourself.

It's a sad time, and you are not weak or diminished in any way for feeling that and accepting it. Part of the learning during this part of your journey is really feeling what your feeling, looking at it, screaming at it, and walking through it anyway. One foot in front of the other. If nothing else it certainly sets you up for a more resiliant life!!! (not much consolation I know!)

When's the seminar?

Take care, thinking of you. I'll be back on FB in the next couple of days when I get my IT sorted here. V

[kjensen]

Hey Virginia,
The info seminar is Feb 13th.

I have been feeling the feelings more lately and it stinks because my eyes don't depuff-ify quickly after crying like they did when I was younger! Just need to wear shades at work!

V- Loved the stuff your posting to Bradley, especially the 9 boxes..helped me have a visual for my focus. Reading "Finding the Deep River Within" and that has some great symbolism that resonates as well.

Kids saw another condo with H and his cousin tonight. H thought this one was better than the last and both girls liked the last one much better. Even D14 said her father isn't hearing them..misreading them..Its sad as this may be the place they spend half of their time in the future.

Looking forward to the weekend and seeing "When in Rome' with the girls.(Got to love a $4 early matinee!) Movies are always a great escape for me..something I gave up a bit last year as H complained that it was a passive activity and "rewrote" that he hated going to the movies with me all these years. I don't think I put all of those 100+ movies on Netflix by myself!
Film school at least gave me some ability to see beyond just the story..although the romantic comedies are just plain fun sometimes!

[Cadet]

Just friended Bradley and gave him a bunch of names including yours.

Keep doing those movies.

[kjensen]

Thanks OP. I think I may keep my FB life a bit separate from here for now since my H is extremely reactive.

Its amazing how reactive/sensitive H is. I made a benign comment to him-"my password got changed on plaxo(we're usng it to communicate kids schedules and such) and I couldn't change it back to the "joint" password"...so I emailed him the new password.

He responded with "I can assure you I have not changed the password.."

Not sure if the reactivity is a sign of his discomfort and/or unhappiness with his decisions and current place in life..or what. Really hoping off of this anger/projection/sensitivity will end soon.

D12 had a meltdown tonight..just dealing with teen anger.."I hate you" emoting is hard right now. I think I could handle it better if I wasn't already down a bit and struggling myself.

D12 said I have 9 more years of puberty to deal with because she's going to give me two extra years because she's mad at me! Had to chuckle inside at that one!

[Cadet]

I am reading 5 love languages. Do you think it would be inappropriate to give this book to my W to read? I know you read this book.

[trustingfaith]

D12 said I have 9 more years of puberty to deal with because she's going to give me two extra years because she's mad at me! Had to chuckle inside at that one!

Funny! Lucky you.

I can't imagine having to deal with teenage girls' emotions right now on top of everything else. Hope you are doing okay. I know some days I just have a tough time when the kids are being ornery and mouthy when normally I would handle it fine. I am just so exhausted . . . fortunately they are usually pretty good.

[Cadet]

Isn't middle school the worst of ages. Hang in there with the girls. It does get better. At some point they will even "like you" again. Right now you don't know anything.

TF pay attention you will be there sooner than you think.