Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I just want to die!! When I thought my birthday couldn't get any worse, it just did. I received a text from my wife saying:

"Dammit stop it now b4 u get started. Call me please and I'll explain how nothings changed and everything is fine. Please baby."

I hadn't talked to or heard from W since yesterday, when we spoke of the things that I was offering to do to work out a deal to avoid having to do another D hearing. This text was obviously not intended for me, and she of course denies that it was to OM and is trying to flip it on me by saying that she KNEW that I'd never be able to trust her. I'm absolutely beside myself and can't do a thing about it. S7 is with me right now, and I'm just trying to keep myself together for him.

I can't believe how it can hurt even more than it already did!!!

[rockedworld]

Oh CC that sucks!

(((hugs)))

focus on s7 and take care of you. maybe when s7 is in bed you can do something nice for yourself.

[rockedworld]

How are you doing CC?

[CountingCrows]

Bad...BAD weekend! Just made my first appointment for IC (this Thursday at 5pm). I really think I need help. I really let W suck me back in emotionally, and I'm having a REALLY tough time with detachment. After 3 months (today), I'm missing her more than ever. Every single thing I see, hear or think about reminds me of her. Living in my (our) house is absolutely killing me, as she's still everywhere!

Just trying my best to cope. Scouts tonight with S7 to race in Pinewood Derby. Looking forward to the distraction.

Gotta big one-on-one meeting with my new boss in 10 minutes. We'll see how things pan out with the direction my new "permanent" job is heading.

Thanks for checking in, RW...I've been hesitant to post anything more, as I wasn't sure where to start. I'll post more details when I get a chance.

[nikblondiew]

CC - I think the IC will help you, it did wonders for me. After 2.5 years I look back at the person I was then and now.....goodness....seems unreal. I went through a few counselors until I found one that does wonders...finding one you are comfortable with and helps you progress and grow is key.

For me it helped sort out, deal with, and explain all my feelings to prevent or relieve my feelings of 'I'm going insane'.

It's pretty devestating to have things (like the text) happen. I discovered my best friend of over a decade and my H were having an affair through a letter/texts. Hard to recover after a blow like that but it does get better. It will even when it doesn't feel like it can or will.

[Gardener]

CC, I've been lurking, not posting much since coming on over here. But -

Every single thing I see, hear or think about reminds me of her. Living in my (our) house is absolutely killing me, as she's still everywhere!

Don't know if you've gotten this suggestion yet, but re-do your house. Take down anything that triggers bad memories or pain. Put your stamp on it all.
fwiw.
Endure.

[Awoken]

CC,

I've been watching, not posting much lately.

IC has been really key for me. I stopped during January due to bills, and needing the money for my lawyer. I'm now back sliding a little bit, and have decided to get back to IC next week.

I hope you've found a counselor you like. keep us posted.

[nikblondiew]

CC,

How are you doing?

[iwantittowork]

CC, I am sorry you are having a tough time.

I can tell you, things will get better. You need to focus on you.

Like Gardener said. Take some of the things that trigger your emotions away, and put up your own and kids things.

Work on GAL activities. What are you doing for you lately?

Understand that your thoughts trigger your emotions. Look at how you are feeling currently, if your sad, play back the tape of your thoughts, and find the thoughts that triggered that emotion and then change it!

It sounds hard, but it works! I know, as I have had to learn this. Change those thoughts to something you want, or something you like that doesn't have something to do with your S.

IC is a huge step forward, I have found as well. You should take pride in that step forward for yourself, it is a huge positive! Start to reel those positives in, and you'll continue to make progress!

Keep it up man, you can handle this!

[CountingCrows]

Yeah, I really need to do some gutting of the house, as there are still so many things still present that belong to her. It's a weird limbo-like situation, since she is living with a friend in a very small apartment and doesn't have room to store much of her stuff. In particular, she has a lot of furniture that I can't even move out into the garage, until I do some major reorganizing. I know that she's in no position to take it or even store it right now, and I'm not going to throw her stuff out on the street. However it's the little things like bumping into a notepad containing one her "lists" that she always used to write every day...just outlining the things she needed to get done. As mundane as something like that is, it just reminds me that it was only a few brief months ago that we were living together, sharing our lives and that's all gone now, and will never be the same again.

All the GAL stuff I'm doing primarily revolves around S7, since he's with me full-time. We did the scouts thing earlier this week (had a great time and he won a trophy). Unfortunately, between work and S7, I have little time to give just to myself. I'm going to try to plan something just for me on the next weekend that S7 spends the night with W.

My work situation is improving. I'm going to be moving from contractor to full-time employee in a little over a week. I've been meeting with my new bosses and they are changing many of my current functions and focusing me into new areas. This is great, but also adds stress as the learning curve is somewhat steep.

Overall, I'm doing a bit better this week...at least in control of my emotions a bit better. Not really looking forward to the IC appointment tomorrow, but know that it's a positive step forward in learning to deal with my feelings.