Been relatively quiet lately. I've had minimal interactions with W, other than Sunday evening, when her brother and his kids were visiting MIL. I brought the kids over to see their cousins, and W was there for several hours. We chatted almost the whole time, and were pleasant with each other. As usual, the longer we were together, the closer we got. When she first arrived, we kept our distance from each other, but by the end of the evening, we were sitting a couple feet from each other on the sofa having a continuous conversation. There was a palpable tension in the room though.
As usual, I'm struggling to resolve all this stuff in my head. I need to forgive myself for how I failed my marriage. I eventually need to forgive her for how she failed, for my own peace, if nothing else. She clings to this notion that our marriage was already dead before her A started. Hogwash in my opinion, but what's the point in arguing about it, or even thinking about it? When we opened back up to each other last fall, she seemed to be singing a different tune about it, but she couldn't say she regretted it, as indicated in the title of this thread. She did say it was wrong to do while we were still living together as man and wife. That was at least something, but the way she said it was meant as "I should have waited until I moved out", not "I shouldn't have done it at all." Not exactly a validation of the pain I endured, is it?
Was she really contemplating coming back when I dropped the bomb on her? She says she was. Some of the things she said over the few previous months made me think she was looking for a way back that preserved her dignity and didn't make her feel like a criminal in our marriage. I thought I gave that to her, but when I got so little back, I felt like I had to push her away to protect myself. The pain I've endured over the last year has left me so reluctant to put my heart at risk again. Still, I'm tormenting myself. Should I have just been more patient and waited for her heartbreak over OM to wane before I made any move or decision? She was offering me so little. I didn't think our M could ever be right again if all I did was wait for her to return to me, on her own schedule, and on her own terms. She needed to give me more. When I didn't get it, I needed to push her away, so I did, and now I struggle with doubt over it. I have to stop.
Her reaction since then does show me she wasn't in any way prepared to legitmately reconcile. She is going to OM's country for two weeks in a month, but she claims it's not to see OM, and she won't be staying with OM. She says she's going to get training for her work, and she's staying with a female friend of hers from her childhood who she has reconnected with. I can't believe her of course. She's travelling thousands of miles to the city OM lives in, and is saying it has nothing to do with him? Yeah, right.
This morning I dropped our youngest daughter off with her, and we were pleasant with each other, quickly discussing the kids' situations. I'm leaving on a business trip tomorrow morning, and she said "Have a nice trip", then made an awkward move like she was going to hug me, then pulled back. I said goodbye, and she again made the same awkward move. I kept my distance, and made my exit.
