Is it me? Or is it really everyone else? lol.

[K4D]

You have never given her the slightest opportunity to regret her decision as she has NO CLUE what it would be like without you waiting in the background.

This is true. She knows I am there for her. At the same time I am not sure she would stress over me not being there for her. She is a survivor. She will utilize whatever means necessary to make it and enjoy herself.

Geez, why is it that everything I say about her comes back as what a great DBster she is when I think about it?

Kevin

[K4D]

When I think about it, she really is a remarkable DBster and she doesn't even know it. lol.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Ok...so what is the difference in my M to exh and yours? Besides the addiction issues its kind of the same thing. OM/OW...being nice when they need something and blowing you off when they don't. That is my point. From an outsider looking in its easier to see the obvious. I didn't want to give up on my M either but it came time to either sink or swim and he was pulling me down and not thinking twice. I hate to see that happen to you.

If they are pulling you down, sometimes it is better to separate so they can't continue to do so. Me and W are separated, but yet I still fail at keeping her from pulling me down. That is actually my own fault.

As far as my first M...well we were young and stupid and both say that was a mistake D. Nothing I can do about it now.

You can still do something about it. You can still pray for your covenant M to be restored and stand for it. People on rejoice ministries and other sites do it all the time.

My pastor didn't say to move on to someone else....just to let go and move on myself as exh has abandoned the M.

Again, I am not in a position to call out whether the M was truly valid or not. But I do know that abandonment isn't cause for seeking someone else. It just removes you from your duties to that S while they are gone.

I just hate to see you going thru so much pain and agony. I wish your W would come back and be this transformed woman. Statistics are not in that favor though and I want to see you start to rise up.

I agree that statistics are not in favor of it. But I also know that aren't separate statistics for people standing and praying for their M's to be restored. They are actually higher when you separate out those situations from what I can tell.

It does hurt. That is why so many people are on me about detaching so that it doesn't hurt anymore. I admit that I do not have the ability to detach and still care about W. I either stay attached and care, or I detach and don't care anymore. If I truly detach, it means I will write her off and put her out of my mind. I don't want to be like that because it would then not allow for me to pray for us and her the way I should. I can't emotionally separate the 2. I don't want to hurt anymore either. It hurts a lot. It has for some time now. Some days are better than others, but ultimately, it still hurts. It is something I have to live with.

100% wrong interpretation of detachment. See note below...SIGH

I pray everyday that she will be led back. It is in God's hands and I believe eventually he will. But I don't know when.

Kevin

After all this time, how could you still not know the true meaning of Detachment? YOU ARE ONE STUBBORN MAN. DETACHMENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP....WHERE'D YOU READ THAT? READ MWD'S VIEW AND THE LONG ARTICLES ON THIS VERY SITE, THEN THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT IT, BEFORE YOU SKIM IT AND THEN OVERSIMPLIFY IT, WHICH YOU DO QUITE OFTEN.

The oversimplifying into black and white, is what yo udo b/c you want things to be that way morally, yet you make actual decision making the most complicated matter in the universe..AN ODD, UNFORTUNATE COMBINATION. The reason you want to lend your w money is not to support her "good causes"--please-- it's a tactic to get her back. That is NOT detachment. Instead, the harder thing to do, (which is invariably what you won't do), is let her face the consequences of her choices without being punitive. Too complex? No, not if you actually understood detachment. But you won't, ever, understand detachment, imo. If you don't by now, you are choosing to put your hands over your ears and hear NOTHING you dont' want to hear...then you come to this site and tell us that somehow, doing the same thing over and over, is "hard" and "Frustrating" for you b/c somehow, the exact behavior on your end, has not gotten her back. You speak of changes your w is making. You don't speak of any changes or personality or behavioral improvements on your end. WTH???

That's a huge part of the problem you and she have, as an obstacle to restoration of the M. How can she think the M would be better if all she has to go by, is your pleading? Your promises? Let me ask you this and please see if you can give it some real thought. What did you think we meant when we said to "GAL" all this past year? Can you say why you have not GAL? How do you think that is viewed by your x w? You describe her as very social with many friends....that's a desirable trait.

And k4, what is different about you now? If there is a chance of your w returning to you (and you consistently overlook that "inconvenient truth" that she has free will and may choose as she has been choosing--to not be married to you) but if there is a chance, it'd only be b/c she thought marriage to you now, would be different than before.

You want simple? She hasn't come back b/c IF she were contemplating it at all, she can't come back b/c you have not changed inwardly or behaviorally in any substantive way. We see pretty much the same k4 here. Speaking for myself, while I know you feel things, behaviorally, I only see cycles. Repeated. Sadly, that is honestly the only thing I hear from you. The religious stuff, then the angry frustrated stuff, ("it's hard/frustrating" as if we don't know) and then the anger "She makes me so mad she's so selfish and OM/ OM2 and OMs...I should date OW now, etc" and then back to the "I still love her and I wonder if she knows it and maybe I should tell her/write a letter..." and then it repeats. Sorry but that is what I see. You won't read or hear what doesn't support your belief so it's almost as if your beliefs are not strong enough to withstand scrutiny or honest appraisal, or you simply want to cling to whatever gives you hope. And that, keeps you in the same rut.

I cannot speak for God. But I sure talk to Him a lot and here's what I tend to wonder....IF God hears prayers from 2 people with similar problems; one who says "I want/need wife back...REALLY I do! and I have FAITH THAT YOU CAN MAKE HER COME BACK...ME AND MY FAITH...I know you can do it, God, so do it please....b/c I want/need it....NOW!!" versus a man who prays to God to know God's will, AND who asks Him for guidance to know it and who asks God for the strength to do what must be done within him, the man, what do you think is the likely result? What is the mature and humble approach versus the childish one? Does this make any sense to you? I don't know if I'm articulating this well but Do you see what I'm saying?
J-

[CityGirl]

My point is if she knows you are there for her no matter what she has no incentive to take a second look at you. No matter how crappy her behavior is, you are there. Why *would* she want a husband full time when she has you "part time" to help her out when she needs it and the rest of the time she does whatever the hell she wants?

You have given her every reason NOT to come back to the M as she knows no matter what, you will be there. It is ideal for her. She gets the stability of you being there, only 50% responsibility for her children and the rest of the time she is single and free! A good gig if you can find it!

[25yearsmlc]

Detaching does NOT mean you don't care or you will never hurt.

For me it does. The only way I know how to detach from W is to put her out of my mind and look forward without her. Otherwise, I can't detach.

Kevin

I get the feeling you would rather be here doing what you do, in 10/20 - 30 years, even to your death bed, not ever having GAL or learning to be happy on your own, than to change. And you'll call that "standing" and I feel so sorry for your d's. They'll be taught that if you close your eyes and wish super hard and believe things will get better and "just pray, fast and have faith"..(but don't ACT or DO anything different or ask God to help show you what you should change) that they'll get what they want, OR NOT...and they can tell the world that their "faith" was the best strongest faith but alas, it wasn't God's will....
This way they, like you, are not really responsible for your life or happiness.
If prayer alone doesn't work...then pray more....??
j-

[smith18]

When I think about it, she really is a remarkable DBster and she doesn't even know it. lol.Kevin

Arrrghhh!
Replace the word DBster with Cake Eater.

[Startingover2]

When I think about it, she really is a remarkable DBster and she doesn't even know it. lol.Kevin

Arrrghhh!
Replace the word DBster with Cake Eater.

That is what I have exh's name as in my phone. It announces who is calling or texting.

[K4D]

I get the feeling you would rather be here doing what you do, in 10/20 - 30 years, even to your death bed, not ever having GAL or learning to be happy on your own, than to change.

No 25. I am just stressing right now.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

It seems you are always stressing about something.

Here is a thought... if you were married and you lost your contract job what would you "present" to your W? A frazzled, unsure, stressed out, meek, I can't handle it persona? Or would you present a calm, cool, confident and "man with a plan" persona?

Which would be more attractive to a woman? You know the answer. You can't just act the part around your W, you need to act it ALL the time.

Have you followed up on the suggestion that was offered a few days ago? Did you ask the HR dept. of the company you are contracting at for an informational meeting?

[K4D]

Did you ask the HR dept. of the company you are contracting at for an informational meeting?

I forgot to do that. Thanks for reminding me. I am actually going to a thing tonight with jon2911 where they do that as well. They have recruiters come in and look at your resume as well as help you with interviewing.

CG, I know it is not cool. And I know I am not being cool under pressure right now. But I truly am stressed and worried.

Kevin