It's never intended to make you feel stupid, Tom. We are family here and we want to support you. I talk plain and for some people maybe too harsh, but my heart is in the right place. I just want you to try to "see" what you are doing that isn't working. When a person is hurting so badly....it is very difficult to think correctly. That's what we are here to help you with.
I've seen some guys on this board use a 2x4 like nobody's business and yet when it came to their own stitch.....they were as blind as the next person. That's how it is when we are too close to the situtation.
Take a deep breath and determine to have another go at doing your best. Don't give up....that's the main thing....don't give up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Saw a lawyer to talk about my options, which include doing nothing when she finally does hand me the LS papers, which she still has not done. Have a second lawyer I want to consult with also, so I feel pretty good about knowing my rights and options.
I started support group and will be visiting a therapist - I am actually feeling pretty strong for a solid week.
180 Update - it is hard for sure - but I feel I am doing well here - no texts, no calls, no emails - I only answer hers as needed and do not initiate. Spend time with my kids, enjoy their company, watch TV with them, games, schoolwork while the wife types away in her cyberworld. I laugh as much as I can, smile and remain as upbeat as can be. Try to remain dressed well and w cologne on. Went to support group and to church, plan to continue.
She still asks when I am leaving - she still wants me out - I find ways to talk in circles when that subject comes up. She seems to be getting more miserable and more unhappy, everything seems to bother her, and not just things with me, things about the kids, her mother and sister, etc. She hears a beep or beeping alarm (stove, microwave, text on kids phone, etc.) and she is bothered by that "ping" and will fly off the handle for someone to "fix" that noise. I have to say - if I didn't know better - I would think I woke up in the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and they've already got her, because she is not the person I knew all these years. I guess thats par for the course in this.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Hey Tom, Welcome to the forum, I think you will find great support here and you are already getting great advice from Sandi and others.
Originally Posted By: TomLost Love
I have to say - if I didn't know better - I would think I woke up in the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and they've already got her, because she is not the person I knew all these years. I guess thats par for the course in this.......
I have read so much as to what and why my W is doing what she is doing, I hesitate to label her but I find that understanding what is going on helps me have patience to do the tough things that work. I found this resource on the stages of MLCer's and while I don't know if that is what your W is going through, some the explainations help and give me a glimpse into what might be next with my W so I am prepared.
If you click on the 6 stages link it drops you at the end of the thread. Just go to page one and you will find the the list of the stages by Hearts Blessing.
I found this particularly helpful in understanding what is going on with my W and I actually have compassion or pity for her. I would caution you not to try to "fix" your W or tell her what is going on with her. Just take the knowledge FWIW. What is more important is to focus on you not her. It will be hard b/c it is going to take a long time and the things she is going to do and say are going to get worse before they get better based on my experience. Come here to vent and get support, you are in a good place on these boards.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
She still asks when I am leaving - she still wants me out - I find ways to talk in circles when that subject comes up.
Maybe it would be best not to say anything, rather than talk around it. My H could just give me a long, silent look and say nothing. Yes, it could drive me crazy, but I discovered that a person doesn't "have" to respond with words just b/c somebody spoke to them.
Your W's nerves are shot, to say the least, so more words actually are doing more harm to your R than good.
I would like to hear from you more often, but I understand if you can't do it every night. I do hope you'll keep in contact as often as you can b/c it will help you to talk things over here.
Take care of yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks all for the advice and continued encouragement - I will try to post more often. It is hard between three kids, all with their own issues and needs, selling the house, job up in the air, and my marriage in the status that it is. I think I'm doing well with the 180 - I continue to avoid texts, calls, emails, conversations, and questions. I've been concentrating on my kids and that helps me a lot to ignore my wife and her world. I will write more as I find myself constantly monitoring if anyone answers my postings. Yesterday was my niece's bitrthday, so we were all there and I circulated myself to all the rooms talking and laughing with various family members (all on my wife's side), while steering clear of my wife and avoiding any discussion or conversation with her in it (normally without the 180 - I'd be gravitating towards her...). Everything went well, so I'll keep it up. Gotta get back to work - more later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
A self observation - lately - the last couple of weeks, my feelings of anger and resentment at my wife have definitely grown while some of my other feelings have subsided. While I still have the compassion and longing for her, I just feel more and more anger every day. I guess like the stages of the mid life crisis that are referenced earlier in this thread, there are probably stages we go thru as well.
Another thing that just crept into my head last night was the approach of Valentine's day. If I follow my 180 - then I am totally ignoring it from our perspective.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Many of your feelings are probably normal. I would be concerned if you didn't experience some of those. As long as they don't hang on to the point of taking over your life. I have seen it do terrible things to people.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes - understood. I know that I have to let go of that anger. Its just good to know what you're feeling is normal I guess. She has still not given me the Legal Separation papers yet - been three weeks since she told me she was giving them to me "any day". Maybe they do take awhile to get written up - we'll see. Lawyer told me I'm not legally required to answer them if I dont want to - I can ignore them if I choose. Obviously will wait to see if she gives them to me, but assuming she does, I am still wondering what the best plan is - ignore, have lawyer modify, fight, etc. Probably no right answer, but I'm open for suggestions if anyone is reading this.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
My wife told me last night that the legal separation papers will be ready this week, and she hasn't changed her mind. I said OK. She asked what I am going to do, sign them, bring to a lawyer, fight her them, ignore them, etc. I said I hadn't decided yet and would need to see them. Did my best 180 I hope. I have to admit between this situation, the sale of the house, finances, my job/career, my son's drug issues, my younger daughter's crying now that she's hearing more and catching on to the seperation, I feel like my whole world is collapsing on top of me. I guess just face it all like a man, let the chips fall where they may, keep my wits about me as best i can, pick myself up, and show her after all of this, I can smile and be happy and keep moving on in my life. I hope I am strong enough...... seems like a steep and overwhelming mountain to climb right now. Feel about as hopeless as I ever felt in my life.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
