Just wanted to drop in and say I have read every page of your sitch. You're right we do have similar sitch's. I hope you check in with me from time to time. I know you said you aren't a pro at this.. however, I do admire your resolve. With that said any guidance given would be a great help.
Compadres-I got to say we are on the verge of some break thru stuff here. That would have been a never ending battle 2 weeks ago.
What changed in that dialouge? Do you see it?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I saw my change first- I calmed down qwikly ( after realizing I was beginning to get enraged), evaluated and then spoke.
YES! You changed your approach - tone, demeanor, attitude, body language and volume. This changed the dynamic, which changed her response to a positive one. She reacted to you, you led the dialouge. When you stopped reacting, being defensive and angry, then showed some compassion and then acted calmly and confidently - LOOK at the outcome.
This worked, so remember how you did it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
****NO RECONCILIATION, FOLLOWING INFIDELITY, SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED WITHOUT A TRANSPARENCY PLAN. Transparency should be humbly asked for, by the betrayed spouse, and the formerly-cheating spouse is free to then offer it or not, as a way to foster healing and rebuilding the trust that they broke.
Here is an example for last nite-
Today is my birthday, so last nite @ 9p she came into office-
Her " I am temping tommorrow and planned on getting your gift while in town. The kids would really like to have you something in the morning. Is it ok with you if I go to Wal-Mart?" Me- "It's kinda late don't you think?" Her" I know but kids really want to and I can get in and out qwik this time of nite"
She called me from the store and called me when she left. Maybe an hour and half spent- minus commute that is less than an hour @ Wal-mart. She returned with present, card and some groceries.
And anytime that can happen I'm money ahead!!
So my deal is- If there is no behavior that is suspect- what is there to check up on?
The OMW has his phone tapped, my W has started reconnecting with all our mutual friends and spouses and our families, she isn't working full time so I know where she is,I know who she is talking to and about what most of the time why should there be a plan?
I'm not trying to be naive but that in and of itself is TRANSPARENCY and I'm getting it without asking for it?
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
YES! You changed your approach - tone, demeanor, attitude, body language and volume. This changed the dynamic, which changed her response to a positive one. She reacted to you, you led the dialouge. When you stopped reacting, being defensive and angry, then showed some compassion and then acted calmly and confidently - LOOK at the outcome.
This worked, so remember how you did it.
That has been a struggle. Football Coaches aren't cut that way, but your right - COACH!
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Then you're verifying. Whether it's pulled or it's pushed, you're getting it, so that's great. Just be prepared for when she STOPS being so forthcoming, and YOU need reassuring, and she claims -- rightfully -- that "We never agreed on that!"
You are correct, trust and forgiveness are two of the essential components of a marriage. Love, commitment, forgiveness and trust are the four supports that the marriage is built on. If you undermine one of the supports, you undermine the entire marriage. Keep doing what you are doing. Your wife seems to have made a large change in herself, not because you manipulated her, but because she wanted to change. That makes all the difference.
You are correct, trust and forgiveness are two of the essential components of a marriage. Love, commitment, forgiveness and trust are the four supports that the marriage is built on. If you undermine one of the supports, you undermine the entire marriage. Keep doing what you are doing. Your wife seems to have made a large change in herself, not because you manipulated her, but because she wanted to change. That makes all the difference.
That was my thought.
And I know Pup is right, you have to have transparency.
I got lucky and didn't have to force or manipulate or discuss what was needed.
She asked a few days ago "what would it take to make it go away?" I just told her that one time - "Be transparent & courteous - I have trust issues" and she has been.
Way I figured it I finally took a easy step forward in this process.
Last edited by overburdened; 01/27/1009:11 PM.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
She asked a few days ago "what would it take to make it go away?" I just told her that one time - "Be transparent & courteous - I have trust issues" and she has been.
Way I figured it I finally took a easy step forward in this process.
I was unaware of that. I withdraw my objection, Your Honor!
