Have you read Michele Davis' Divorce Remedy? You shouldn't be surprised about any of this if you have... I get the feeling you need to read a bit more about what's going on with your H.
He's not in a normal frame of mind right now, he's experiencing shock and he doens't konw how to cope with it.. his instincts just tell him to be cautious and put up a lot of walls... which is what he's doing.
You need to respect those walls until he decides to take them down. You can help him bring them down by just being a mature predictable adult like cutter is suggesting.
Yes he is on the fence. Yes you should expect nothing! He is trying to decide if this is a good idea or not! Listen to what he is telling you! I read he talked to his friends or family already. He has taken note of your expressed desire to have kids. He believes you have a trap of trying to get pregnent! You had an affair for 4 months, you told him through those actions you wanted something else/Better!
You still speak of what he did not do for you! I will be straight, I would not contact him again and if he cancells the date accept it! Do not guilt him as you have at this point anymore. I think you may need to figure things out on your own a little more!
Some questions for reflection!
Why do you still have contact with the OM, is he plan B? Are you happy and content with yourself or does it depend on having a relationship? Do you love him and do you acknowledge that love is giving not receiving? being loved is receiving.
I am not asking you to answer these in this forum, I am merely suggesting you spend some time on you! Because what I read is that of a frustrated "child like" person who is not getting their way and is not happy about the consquences of their actions!
Give him the control, do not lay down and be a door mat but I would recommend showing love in the form of what does he want? Chances are he does not know, respect and accept this and if you are rejected say you understand and revisit you!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Shasha, when we found the OM, that guy for whom we would walk away from the man who married us, there was a price tag attached. Nothing is free. We knew when we chose that path that there would be a price to pay. And we said, "I don't care what the cost is; I want him." The thing is, a person really ought to consider what a choice will cost them before they decide that price is no object. This is the cost.
I know it is frustrating sometimes, and disheartening, and confusing. Going on four years later I am still discovering ways in which I can be made to pay for my infidelity by fate/god/my H. I never anticipated these "expenses" and I don't have to roll over and say "Woe is me; this is my lot in life and my punishment for bad choices." But I do accept that I caused my own grief.
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It's BS like that....which led me to the A in the first place.
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I would respect him even more for being honest and not making up lame excuses after the fact.
Do you see the connection between these two statements? In one breath you accuse him of making excuses and in the next make one for yourself.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Well cutterbug....looks like I will have to take your advise and give 80% as my H cancelled. But I will say that I was prepared for it and handled it quite well. I even surprised myself.
He called me today while at work and asked if there was anyway to get my $ back that I've spent on the trip to come see him on Valentine's Day weekend. I told him most likely not but I'm okay with it. He proceeds to say that he would like to come home to Los Angeles since he will be getting that Friday and Monday off. He says he's home sick and I said, "No worries, it's okay.
I also noticed that he didn't say anything about seeing me since he was so adamant about coming home to Los Angeles that weekend so of course I knew he just didn't want to see me which I accept.
Because even if his real motive was to come home to visit versus me going to Sacramento, he could've suggested we see each other when he get's in but he DID NOT so I accepted his cancellation gracefully despite the inconvenience and the disappointment.
Although, I made a mistake in our marriage I believe in my heart I've done what I could to make a genuine effort to re-establish a friendship but I know it takes two willing partners and he is NOT willing.
That being said have I no choice but to move on with my life and should he decide he wants to try and work on things, we can revisit at that time but for now I see that our marriage is of little importance to him and my efforts mean ZERO.
If it's meant to be...it's meant to be and as of right now....it ain't meant to be so on to the next!
Thanks DB family for your continued support and viewpoints. They have really helped me see things from a different perspective. If nothing else I have better insight to being a better person in general. I would love more than anything to work things out in my marriage but if not I'm sure I have learned a lot that will help me in my future relationships once my divorce is final.
Sasha, you are giving up too easily.. he's TESTING your commitment level.. if YOU give up HE will be convinced he was right to keep his distance... if you keep trying he will see a great example of maturity that anyone would be drawn to.
I wouldn't give up yet... I would just keep it up.. you give up too easily... marriage is HARD and you need to learn that lesson NOW... if you keep giving up like this you will never have a long term relationship that works out...
If there is one thing you can learn from all this.
Its that another man does not solve your current problems. Work on issues. Attempt to resolve them. If you give your best effort and it does not work out. You can walk away with your experience and apply it in the future.
I hope you can find some inner peace.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Well Allen A, you sound just like my mom...She said the same thing in so many words. I told her what happended and she said to just wait and see what happens. I asked her if should be "busy" when and if he decided to call me. She said no, not to be tit for tat because he's probably under the influence of other people sure as friends and family.
I guess I'm just angry and hurt. More so disappointed. She also said that marriage is hard work and takes time through such struggles to heal and move forward.
I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. I went to the gym this evening and I feel better and know that I need to work on myself and be happy with me. At this time giving my H some space and keeping my distance will help me not to be so anxious so that's what I'm gonna do for now. His birthday is in March so I will touch base with him then to wish him a happy bday.
Well Allen A, you sound just like my mom...She said the same thing in so many words. I told her what happended and she said to just wait and see what happens. I asked her if should be "busy" when and if he decided to call me. She said no, not to be tit for tat because he's probably under the influence of other people sure as friends and family.
I guess I'm just angry and hurt. More so disappointed. She also said that marriage is hard work and takes time through such struggles to heal and move forward.
You are just making a lot of classic mistakes we all have made.
When you get through this, sometime later, you can come back here and give advice too... we are all experiencing a lot of "if I knew THEN what I know NOW" syndrome.
We just wish you the best and hope you don't make these mistakes becasue you are just driving him away.
1. Your earnestness to please him and get back together - scaring him off
2. Your mind reading and over-analyzing what he's saying and doing - He's just had his marriage violated by another man - he's experiencing TRAUMA right now... you need to cut him some slack and stop expecting him to behave NORMALLY right now. Mindreading is just depressing you and isn't getting you anywhere with him.
3. your feeling Hopeless and offended by him... You need to offer hope and confidence, not bitterness over his apparent rejection... which is just TRAUMA that you are misreading.
4. You need to understand that love is an activity we do each day when we offer patience, rather than frustration, emotional generosity rather than neediness, and forgiveness rather than bitter hurt and open wounds.
You are wanting him for YOU, not for him. What's best for HIM? Are you the best person for HIM right now that you can be? It looks like you want him for you, rather than you being what he wants.
Yup, he's hurt, and likley exaggerating. Ten years from now he will realize he's wasted hours of his time being miserable and foolishly rejecting you. But right now, he needs time to process.
Yes, you are giving him space, but you need to understand what he's FEELING. Stop mind reading and read divorce remedy or not just friends... they will help you get into his head and stop the mind reading.
You are devoted now, I can see that, but you need to take some time to understand WHY.
Love is something people do, when they learn HOW. The feeling we call love is more aptly called infatuation or excitement.
That doesn't last.
Commitment is what counts. If you bail now you are not learning anything about him, marriage, or love... all you are learning is that committment is too hard and painful.
Commitment is hard and painful, but it is also worthwhile. Give it TIME and do the WORK. Read and develop emotional intelligence for your partner. That's what you seem to be missing most right now... Not him as much as the experience to understand him.
Allen thank you so much for you REALNESS and understanding of what I'm going through and how I need to see things through my husbands eyes. I've actually gone back and have read your response several times and it makes perfect sense.
It's obvious I'm still growing and maturing as a person and as a woman. After my husband called to decline on Monday I wasn't quite sure how I was gonna handle it as the week progressed. I'm happy to say I honestly feel fine and although I wish we could spend the weekend together, I'm okay with his decision. The old me would've continued to call, make threats, loose sleep, call all my girlfriends, and family to get their opinion. After this I guess something changed within me and I'm finally prepared to step back and give him space, time, and comply with the divorce proceeding currently underway.
I guess I'm tired..... or maybe just realize I can't control everything and by me trying and pushing nothing positive has come about. I've gone to the gym all week, will be working overtime all next week, and will continue to hang out with friends from time to time.
I was bitter about his decision at first but as I said earlier I'm okay and am prepared for whatever happens.
Again thanks so much Allen and everyone else whose taken the time to reply.
