robx, once again you've delivered an eloquent, well thought,fervent,honest, heartfelt speech. You've said it to me, him, and many others. It is most obvious that you have been There. Perhaps we (him ,them, ME) , will DO what you say. It just makes so much sense....so Why ? are we so reluctant. Why??
Ok, so last night. I went in my wife's purse. I'm not sure why there was a reason, i wasn't spying or anything but i went in her purse. In her purse she had a list of things that she would be giving me in the D. W is also a list writer. She wrote a list of things she wants changed around the house as well as things things that need to be taken care of. On this list was the D word.
The list of things she would give me in the D is gone. Also the list of things she needs to get done that had the D word on it has the D word crossed out.
So, that was a breath of fresh air. I almost decided to chicken out on setting the boundary about OM. However, i heard puppy, burt, couch, sandi and robx yelling at me. So, i manned up and did it.
I told her that it was unacceptable to be speaking to OM on FB. That i am willing to give up all the work, I have been putting into this marriage. If she continues to have him as a friend that i will be moving on. I explained to her, that she is giving him the impression that our marriage will end soon and he has a chance. This is unacceptable to me.
She did what most of you said she would. She said "Just when i think we are finally working things out." She explained "How much of a hypocrite i was and how much of a fool she was for allowing me to have friends that bugged her in the past."
I did not devalue her. I allowed her to have her emotions. I told her that i was wrong in the past and i want to be in a marriage where this doesnt even have to be asked. It would just be done.
She said "She will remove him." I am still waiting for that to happen. However, if she choices not to. I will continue on my path. I will sleep somewhere else i will not sleep in her bed. I will do whatever it takes.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
She still hasnt removed him yet. We talk again about it today. I kind of hinted that i wanted it done. I guess, i will have to carry out my threats. I will start by sleeping on the couch this evening or should i give her more time? I know she had time to do it today she clearly didnt want too.
Last edited by Hopingtomakeit; 01/27/1006:40 PM.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She still hasnt removed him yet. We talk again about it today. I kind of hinted that i wanted it done. I guess, i will have to carry out my threats. I will start by sleeping on the couch this evening or should i give her more time? I know she had time to do it today she clearly didnt want too.
No threats, people who threaten other people are scared, weak and controlling. No ultimatums, no threats and seriously continue to sleep in your own bed.
"HAVE YOU REMOVED HIM FROM FACEBOOK YET? IF NOT, WHY? WE DISCUSSED THIS ALREADY HAVEN'T WE AND AFTER THAT DIDN'T YOU AGREE TO DO THIS? I'M ASSUMING I CAN TRUST YOU, AM I WRONG? LET'S MAKE THIS SIMPLE, YOU REMOVE HIM, I CAN WATCH YOU AND THEN THIS DISCUSSION WILL BE OVER AND WE WON'T HAVE TO DISCUSS IT ANYMORE, SERIOUSLY THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE BORING AND CHILDISH FOR ME."
Question: How is you sleeping on the couch a threat to her? Seems like a punishment to you in my opinion, so how productive is that? What do you gain from that?
I told her if she didnt remove him. I will be moving forward with the divorce. I didnt yell or argue. Here is where sleeping on the couch is a big deal. I have never done that, Its not something i do. I think, that would show her. I am serious about her removing him. Its not punishing me its showing her that i mean it when i asked to have him removed. That its that important to me.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Ok, so last night. I went in my wife's purse. I'm not sure why there was a reason, i wasn't spying or anything but i went in her purse. In her purse she had a list of things that she would be giving me in the D. W is also a list writer. She wrote a list of things she wants changed around the house as well as things things that need to be taken care of. On this list was the D word.
The list of things she would give me in the D is gone. Also the list of things she needs to get done that had the D word on it has the D word crossed out.
So, that was a breath of fresh air. I almost decided to chicken out on setting the boundary about OM. However, i heard puppy, burt, couch, sandi and robx yelling at me. So, i manned up and did it.
I told her that it was unacceptable to be speaking to OM on FB. That i am willing to give up all the work, I have been putting into this marriage. If she continues to have him as a friend that i will be moving on. I explained to her, that she is giving him the impression that our marriage will end soon and he has a chance. This is unacceptable to me.
She did what most of you said she would. She said "Just when i think we are finally working things out." She explained "How much of a hypocrite i was and how much of a fool she was for allowing me to have friends that bugged her in the past."
I did not devalue her. I allowed her to have her emotions. I told her that i was wrong in the past and i want to be in a marriage where this doesnt even have to be asked. It would just be done.
She said "She will remove him." I am still waiting for that to happen. However, if she choices not to. I will continue on my path. I will sleep somewhere else i will not sleep in her bed. I will do whatever it takes.
All that suggests is that the list is in an alternate location removed from your site - I wouldn't consider this a victory, don't be that naive.
I told her if she didnt remove him. I will be moving forward with the divorce. I didnt yell or argue. Here is where sleeping on the couch is a big deal. I have never done that, Its not something i do. I think, that would show her. I am serious about her removing him. Its not punishing me its showing her that i mean it when i asked to have him removed. That its that important to me.
Tell her to sleep on the couch. That's something you've never done. "I've decided I won't share you with another man, you continue to say & do things which suggest you're actively pursuing him, that's your choice, I can't control you but I won't share my bed with you."
Consequences for her actions, be tough, firm without being an angry a$$hole, you can do it.
you sleeping on the couch is you being punished, not her. the bed is warm, cozy, comfortable, the couch is not, people sleep in beds, not couches, married people sleep in the same bed usually, kick her out of the bedroom, tell her:
"it's your choice, but if you choose him I will remove myself from your list of choices, I am your husband and as far as I'm concerning you're only choice, if you see it otherwise then you can live a life associated with that decision - I'm not putting up with this crap behavior of yours anymore."
And then walk way, don't pursue an argument, if she pursues you to argue, you tell her "I said what i wanted to say and I've made my decision on this, the rest is up to you now, choose wisely" and then continue to walk away.
This is where you show that you are making the decisions about how you're going to respond to all of this. She now knows that there are consequences associated with her actions & choices, if she chooses him, she doesn't get to sleep in the bedroom anymore and she can start looking for another place to live - either way it's not your problem anymore if she chooses the other man.
