• You don’t seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue. • It is very normal to throw yourself at another person when you feel so empty. • It is very easy to question a marriage when Prince Charming comes along. • You can throw away an old pair of pants when you get a new one. But, the new one also becomes old. • Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity. • It seems to me that there is this great hole in you, and you think the other person will fill it. • Do you ever wonder whether he is as great as you think he is? • You seem to give all your energy to him and not have much left. • Do you REALLY know what you are doing? Any doubts?
Alot of mind-reading and accusations in the statements. Telling someone what they think, feel, need or want is not productive. The phrases stated as questions are better IMO. The question gets the point across, creates doubt and allows for a response.
What does Dr H say is the response you are looking for?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
One would doubt that Dr. H had the misfortune to be married to a WAS at any point in his past. IMHO of course.
Taken by themselves, some of those quotes would have driven the typical WAS sitch beyond the point of salvage.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
With all due respect to Dane, those quotes amount to trying to badger and logic your mate into seeing things your way. It is pretty proven, you cannot use words to convince a wayward spouse of anything. No reasoning with crazy people.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I asked a couple of those as questions. My spouse did reflect and think about them, and acknowledged some doubt. It was in a calm, neutral tone, without blame just empathy and concern. You are right it did not change her with words. I thought the quotes had some power for self reflection in the WAS. These points are specific to the type of affair that the Dr. categorizies, so these tactics will not work on all affairs. And in my sitch, it is seen as almost hopeless by the Dr. I am trying different things to see what works, and when I used a couple of them, my spouse did have a moment of reflection.
The Dr.'s message on this type of affair(My Marriage Made Me Do It) is too be neutral and message the truth about the WAS, their situation or life. He asks you to think about what works, standing in the WAS shoes, short and sweet, no lectures and let silence prevail. He asks you a lot of questions on what you really want, brutal honesty? His coaching is move through the affair either to move on or together.
Dropped the boundary discussion on W at lunch, over the phone. she said "o.k." I said, what does "o.k. mean" it means i'll call you back later this afternoon.
do i ignore the call and call her back when i'm ready?
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
Dropped the boundary discussion on W at lunch, over the phone. she said "o.k." I said, what does "o.k. mean" it means i'll call you back later this afternoon.
do i ignore the call and call her back when i'm ready?
No, not as a TACTIC. If you're busy, and have something to do, then you DO it. If you don't, then that's something you need to work on, eh?
Most good intel is short-lived. The upside is, feeling that they've successfully shut down Source 1, a wayward will usually get very sloppy with Source 2 or 3.
Puppy
P. S. I hope you printed copies of the prior detailed billing and saved in a safe place?
we share the cell phone bill, i have another login to the cell phone account. i can access all of the prior billing and i will not show any of my "proof" of EA.
i still have access to the email and will, unless she gets really smart(in a computer way, she is brilliant in most other areas)
I think i took some control away from her. she thrives on controlling everything, and it might change the discussion with her parents. otherwise i have stopped being a doormat.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
