Ok...so what is the difference in my M to exh and yours? Besides the addiction issues its kind of the same thing. OM/OW...being nice when they need something and blowing you off when they don't. That is my point. From an outsider looking in its easier to see the obvious. I didn't want to give up on my M either but it came time to either sink or swim and he was pulling me down and not thinking twice. I hate to see that happen to you.
If they are pulling you down, sometimes it is better to separate so they can't continue to do so. Me and W are separated, but yet I still fail at keeping her from pulling me down. That is actually my own fault.
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As far as my first M...well we were young and stupid and both say that was a mistake D. Nothing I can do about it now.
You can still do something about it. You can still pray for your covenant M to be restored and stand for it. People on rejoice ministries and other sites do it all the time.
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My pastor didn't say to move on to someone else....just to let go and move on myself as exh has abandoned the M.
Again, I am not in a position to call out whether the M was truly valid or not. But I do know that abandonment isn't cause for seeking someone else. It just removes you from your duties to that S while they are gone.
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I just hate to see you going thru so much pain and agony. I wish your W would come back and be this transformed woman. Statistics are not in that favor though and I want to see you start to rise up.
I agree that statistics are not in favor of it. But I also know that aren't separate statistics for people standing and praying for their M's to be restored. They are actually higher when you separate out those situations from what I can tell.
It does hurt. That is why so many people are on me about detaching so that it doesn't hurt anymore. I admit that I do not have the ability to detach and still care about W. I either stay attached and care, or I detach and don't care anymore. If I truly detach, it means I will write her off and put her out of my mind. I don't want to be like that because it would then not allow for me to pray for us and her the way I should. I can't emotionally separate the 2. I don't want to hurt anymore either. It hurts a lot. It has for some time now. Some days are better than others, but ultimately, it still hurts. It is something I have to live with.
I pray everyday that she will be led back. It is in God's hands and I believe eventually he will. But I don't know when.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
If my M is looked at and deemed valid by the catholic church, then as much as that will hurt to live through, yes.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Your's was very obvious as not having a snowballs chance in hell of being restored.
I am not one to give others false hope where there is none.
The cold hard facts are that by the time most people enter these forums, their marriage is to the point already of being doomed. However, I can say that I have witnessed but a few that survived. And I know of several now that I think can be turned around. What is more important in my opinion is the saving of the individual and allowing them and their children to move through the crisis in tact.
I am not sure why you think detaching means you don't care about your W.
I have next to NO contact with my H, our marriage is over both emotionally and legally, he is with OW for going on 2 years, he put me through hell in court and on and on and on and I still care about him. I probably always will. Aside from my family he was the biggest R in my life for THIRTEEN years. One third of my life.
And yes, from time to time I still hurt. But I also know I am not willing to be my H's e-mail buddy when he needs support while his Gf gets all the fun, romance, sex and the easy parts of the R. Why would I stand for that? Do I not deserve respect? I think I do.
Detaching does NOT mean you don't care or you will never hurt.
Detaching does NOT mean you don't care or you will never hurt.
For me it does. The only way I know how to detach from W is to put her out of my mind and look forward without her. Otherwise, I can't detach.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It sounds to me as if you equate detaching to distancing and IMO there is a HUGE difference.
Unless you have some secret method of wiping your brain clean it is not humanly possible to "forget" your W. She is the mother of your children! That does not mean you can't detach from the SITUATION. You are very attached yet distanced and that is not a very healthy combination.
If you love your W so much and you would do anything to make her happy why not do what she is asking you to do? Detach and move forward with your life.
Your's was very obvious as not having a snowballs chance in hell of being restored.
I am not one to give others false hope where there is none.
The cold hard facts are that by the time most people enter these forums, their marriage is to the point already of being doomed. However, I can say that I have witnessed but a few that survived. And I know of several now that I think can be turned around. What is more important in my opinion is the saving of the individual and allowing them and their children to move through the crisis in tact.
Absolutely and now looking back I now wish I had the guts/backbone/whatever to stand up and move on 2 years ago! You saw it along with everyone else...and I really did too. I just wanted it so badly...just like Kevin does in his own situation. Look at me, now 2 years later working like heck trying to detach and put some boundaries in place. I am not saying for Kevin to give up, just start rebuilding his own life and not make the same mistakes I did.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
If you love your W so much and you would do anything to make her happy why not do what she is asking you to do? Detach and move forward with your life.
Because I miss her. I want to be with her. Our kids want us back together. I miss our family being together. I miss our M. Just because she may not consider our M and family important doesn't mean that it isn't. It is hard to let go of something you miss and love.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Absolutely and now looking back I now wish I had the guts/backbone/whatever to stand up and move on 2 years ago! You saw it along with everyone else...and I really did too. I just wanted it so badly...just like Kevin does in his own situation. Look at me, now 2 years later working like heck trying to detach and put some boundaries in place. I am not saying for Kevin to give up, just start rebuilding his own life and not make the same mistakes I did.
It has to start with me finding another job. Nobody is calling right now. But I am looking out there and submitting resumes.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Everything you just said (I miss her, I want to be with her) is all about you.
Yes, in most cases it is ideal for children to grow up with an in tact family but sometimes that just doesn't happen. And children can't always get what they want.
Going back to my question... if you love your W so much and are willing to do anything for her then why are you not doing what she has asked for a long time... letting her go and moving forward. It is because that is not what YOU want. So really, all this is about YOUR desires, not hers. Why is your desire more pressing than hers? You have never given her the slightest opportunity to regret her decision as she has NO CLUE what it would be like without you waiting in the background.
