Ready for a 2X4, you were way to pursuing. And your boundary lacked confidence. She gave you an answer, you just didn't hear it. She challenged the boundary straight off, so you should be prepared to action on it. You need to stand up for yourself and get some respect, rolling her eyes is disrespectful. Don't apologize for anything, she is trying to guilt you into stuff, because it makes her uncomfortable, so what.
I know I was pursuing too much. when she's telling you you're doing it too much you know you're doing it too much.
It's just so annoying that she would suggest it, and then when I try to get it to happen she backs down...as if the offer wasnt genuine.
And the line about how lunch together would make up for it is a bit insulting too. Is there anyone here who doesnt see a difference between a family lunch and the two of us having drinks alone, and how one couldnt make up for the other?
As far as what you said about my boundary lacking confidence, how so? Am I gonna have to go back and state it again...because this is the second time and I really thought it was firm this time. And what was her answer that I am missing?
Was it "whatever happens, happens"? Do you see that as her telling me she's going to pursue the OM and if I chose to cut her off and be done it doesnt matter? I do remember he saying "that's your decision" when I set it, followed by the not mkaing promises and whatever happens stuff.
After reading the LRT section in DR for the 4th time, I realize that I was seeing the 2nd possible response from my SO (page 129) but I was way too responsive and its giving my SO cold feet and then some (page 130).
It just felt so good last night when she was talking on the phone to me...she hadnt souded like that in years...and then today we're playing Guitar Hero in the middle of Best Buy together! It felt like it used to...before all the hurt. In fact it felt like it did when we were dating before our daughter was born.
The feeling is like a drug...and the more I get of it...the more I want it. Consequently I may have just blown my last chance today.
This is so disheartening...I got so caught up in my feelings that I didnt see that the LRT was working to a degree. So now I may be forced to follow through on my boundary and do the ALRT.
I would break your post down bit by bit, but I don't think it would do any good. I've tried to tell you that "any" pursuing is "too much" pursuing and you just will not listen. She tells you also!
Quote:
I told her that that might be how she's living her life with everything else but it didn’t seem to be how things were between her and I, as she continues to hesitate or pull back when it looks like we're headed in the right direction. She responded something about that’s because I keep pushing her.
You do! Why won't you leave her alone? Instead, you spend all that time with her and end up right back at the starting gate (not that you ever really got out, but now the gate has closed).
It doesn't matter how good you felt being with her! You have to follow the principles or forget it. You practically gave her your entire DR book vocally by telling her all that stuff. She doesn't want to hear it, and it hurts you to voice it. She wants you to put it into practice.
No, do not go back and restate the boundary again, b/c it is a very weak boundary. You might as well have told her that she can keep you around and do whatever she wants to do. All this wishy-washy stuff is hurting your case and the only hope I see in a positive R with her is to back off and go GAL and leave her alone!!
Haven't you ever had anyone to suggest having drinks sometime? It's like saying, "Let's do lunch one day". It doesn't mean a lot to most people b/c they are simply being nice and that's their way of saying good-bye. Hate to break it to you, but she wasn't interested.....and besides "you" pressed "her" about the drinks afterwards and it was the WRONG think to have done.
I have also told you that you cannot depend on that book about the 5 LL to do what the DR book does. You are not in the right place to do that right now. Look what your quality time got you! She was so turned off by your love-sick stares that she had to tell you!
I can't be your cheerleader until you can pull back and stop contacting her. You haven't been able to do that, so nothing else is going to work until you do that first 180.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, do not go back and restate the boundary again, b/c it is a very weak boundary. You might as well have told her that she can keep you around and do whatever she wants to do.
While I will not restate it or anything (I may not even get the chance anyway), was it really that weak? Is it because of the way I worded the boundary or the explanation I gave about why I was doing it (eg. self respect)...or both? She didnt seem to understand why I would do that...and as I said she seemed genuinely puzzled/troubled by it with her "people remaining friends happens a lot around here" statement.
Would it have been better to say "until you are no longer interested in/involved with OM, I will have no contact with you out side of emergencies with our daughter" and ended the conversation? To me that would have been immediately going the route of the ALRT, and since I dont know for sure that they're more than friends, and she seemed willing to try, and still seems willing as long as I stop pushing, I didnt want to go to such extremes so soon.
One more thing...she and I were supposed to go to the gym Thursday morning. While she may not even bring it up now that today went so horribly wrong, if she does should I just tell her that "under the circumstances it's probably best that we dont go" and leave it at that? Or is there something better I could say that wont sound bitter and discourage her from expressing future interest if she's genuinely interested?
I'm not even sure what I'm going to say to her when she comes to get our daughter in the morning. If I dont act upbeat she may draw me into a discussion about why...but if I act too upbeat like nothing happned today it could send the wrong message and cause a whole different set of problems.
So can anyone tell me whent he rollercoaster of emotions is gonna stop? One minute I'm feeling fine and the next I'm all over the map emotionally.
I've tried to use Micheles Stop Sign technique to prevent the thoughts that cause these emotions from overwhelming me but by the time I know it's happening its usually too late.
And it seem the emotions feed off one another so that I can go through a whole range of them at one time...first I'm angry that my SO left me at a time when I really needed her support, then I'm sad that she 's gone...then I'm outraged that she's out there enjoying life and doesnt seem to be feeling anything about what happened between us or what I'm going through...then I'm sad again because I treated her so bad that she felt she had to leave....
It goes on and on...and when it finally does stop and I can get myself together it feels like I've been hit by a truck.
looks like we're going to the gym tomorrow. I didnt bring it it up...and was fully prepared to hear her tell our saughter that she'll see her the day after tomorrow, since Thursdays are my all day visitation.
She came in, sat down on our couch...chit-chatted about different things including her mom who she hasnt spoken to in a week and who called while we were chit chatting.
I was surprised that she would sit and talk like she did given how things went yesterday...so damn confusing. At any rate, I didnt pressure her to talk or engage her as much as I listened and tried to empathize. I told her it made me kinda sad that she doesnt get along with her mom or her sisters. I can tell it bothers her too, but she seemed to shrug it off.
Anyway, when she got up to leave for work she said something like "what time are we going tomorrow, 9:30?" I was caught so off guard, the only thing I could get out of my mouth was "yeah, if you still want to go." She said soemthing like yeah and we discussed my calling her in the morning to make sure she was up. (She slept in this morning and was an hour and ten minutes late picking our daughter up...and she even called me to ask why I didnt call her when I saw she was already a half hour late. I reminded her that she got mad at me the last time I called to see if she was on her way and given that yesterday didnt go so smoothly either I didnt want to bother her.)
So yeah...I guess we're going to the gym tomorrow morning.
The roller coaster will not stop. I hate it, been where you are. The key the vets will tell you is too detach. That is tough. I make small steps to detaching. You can slow down the roller coaster by learning to accept that you cannot control things and going into every day with zero expectations. I have learned if Monday was a good day, then Tues might be good again, might be miserable, or might be just average. I have learned to stop anticipating where the roller coaster might be headed, then you aren't so shell shocked when it turns another direction. But it won't go away...this is your new reality. Learn how to make it so it won't affect you.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
So can anyone tell me whent he rollercoaster of emotions is gonna stop? One minute I'm feeling fine and the next I'm all over the map emotionally.
I am 14 months post-Bomb and 8 months post-D Bomb and still on the roller coaster. It's slower and the dips are less low and the peaks aren't as high and I can anticipate both, for the most part.
Gutwrenching is right: Detachment is key.
But I've found that you can't "do" detachment. You can't just "detach". But do everything else in DB for you and - in time - detachment... happens.
There's a great article on detachment on some relationship or men's website. Spot-on. I can't find it and the last person I remember still having it is givingitmyall. You might want to stop by and check with him.
Last edited by Gardener; 01/27/1009:45 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
