I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

OK... Venting a little more. I seem to have some support network people that think I'm only punishing myself by making myself upset when I don't give in to H..... Not the kind of DBing support I need...

Funny thing is - I'm not upset. Mostly just flabbergasted that so little has changed for him. Time has not helped him - he hasn't changed a bit. Every time I don't do what he wants... he's mad. And by getting mad I know that I've hurt his feelings and I can't hurt his feelings unless he still cares about me/this. I'm slightly hopeful.... weird as it sounds. Mostly I'm just overly empowered. I like standing up to him. This situation will be on my terms - if he doesn't like it than tough. I feel very sure of myself these days.

Besides - its OK if it upsets me - it should. This whole thing sucks and I should be upset. But I'm not upset in the way people seem to think. Its not superficial and usually has nothing to do with the menial topic at hand. I'm upset that someone I care about so much has absolutely no respect for me or my feelings, that he feels entitled to my time and attention when all his goes to his affair, that he chooses to run from his problems rather than deal, that I have to start my life over because he's a idiot. There are lots of reasons to be upset and frankly I'm entitled to every damn one of them.

I'm not trying to get through this situation without being upset, or happy, or sad, or angry or any other emotion. I'm trying to get through it being as true to my feelings and boundaries as possible and being brutally honest with myself about what those feelings are and what boundaries are necessary.

I don't care if H gets mad. What's the worst he could do? Divorce me? He's hellbent on doing that anyway so piss on his sad little boy feelings. Time for him to grow up. I'm done placating him. Just because I choose to love him unconditionally doesn't mean that can't be unconditional TOUGH love....



End Rant...