I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[trytryagain]

talia,

i also wish there was some cure-all for the loneliness i feel. filling up my time and doing things like running, spending time with friends, going to museums, that only helps until i go home to my empty apartment. i found myself sobbing to the dog last night, because i MISS him. i miss the physical presence of my H, i miss hearing him breathe next to me, i miss getting ready for work with him in the mornings, i miss coming home to him at night.

i find myself talking to god a lot when i get lonely and i feel overwhelmed. as supportive as my family is, they can't spend every night with me and hold my hand until this hole in my heart gets smaller. as wonderful as my friends are, they can't be at my home, waiting for me to get there after work to take those lonely feelings away.

don't let it consume you. it's not about distracting yourself. it's about distancing yourself. detaching. like you said, it's a long and hard process. in church this past sunday, my revered said that faithfulness at a time when things seem most bleak is what allows us to persevere. find that faithfulness in yourself. i'm working on doing the same thing.

[talia]

OK... Venting a little more. I seem to have some support network people that think I'm only punishing myself by making myself upset when I don't give in to H..... Not the kind of DBing support I need...

Funny thing is - I'm not upset. Mostly just flabbergasted that so little has changed for him. Time has not helped him - he hasn't changed a bit. Every time I don't do what he wants... he's mad. And by getting mad I know that I've hurt his feelings and I can't hurt his feelings unless he still cares about me/this. I'm slightly hopeful.... weird as it sounds. Mostly I'm just overly empowered. I like standing up to him. This situation will be on my terms - if he doesn't like it than tough. I feel very sure of myself these days.

Besides - its OK if it upsets me - it should. This whole thing sucks and I should be upset. But I'm not upset in the way people seem to think. Its not superficial and usually has nothing to do with the menial topic at hand. I'm upset that someone I care about so much has absolutely no respect for me or my feelings, that he feels entitled to my time and attention when all his goes to his affair, that he chooses to run from his problems rather than deal, that I have to start my life over because he's a idiot. There are lots of reasons to be upset and frankly I'm entitled to every damn one of them.

I'm not trying to get through this situation without being upset, or happy, or sad, or angry or any other emotion. I'm trying to get through it being as true to my feelings and boundaries as possible and being brutally honest with myself about what those feelings are and what boundaries are necessary.

I don't care if H gets mad. What's the worst he could do? Divorce me? He's hellbent on doing that anyway so piss on his sad little boy feelings. Time for him to grow up. I'm done placating him. Just because I choose to love him unconditionally doesn't mean that can't be unconditional TOUGH love....



End Rant...

[talia]

TTA,
((((HUGS))))

I remember those nights and I'm very grateful they are over. They do go away, find peace in that if you can. I look to my cat for comfort too, pets are wonderful for that. Great examples of unconditional love. Our situations are very much alike - same age, excuses, similiar relationship times, no kids. It gets better, you will get stronger and find your voice.

Hang in there!

[Coach]

OK... Venting a little more. I seem to have some support network people that think I'm only punishing myself by making myself upset when I don't give in to H..... Not the kind of DBing support I need...

Funny thing is - I'm not upset. Mostly just flabbergasted that so little has changed for him. Time has not helped him - he hasn't changed a bit. Every time I don't do what he wants... he's mad. And by getting mad I know that I've hurt his feelings and I can't hurt his feelings unless he still cares about me/this. I'm slightly hopeful.... weird as it sounds. Mostly I'm just overly empowered. I like standing up to him. This situation will be on my terms - if he doesn't like it than tough. I feel very sure of myself these days.

Besides - its OK if it upsets me - it should. This whole thing sucks and I should be upset. But I'm not upset in the way people seem to think. Its not superficial and usually has nothing to do with the menial topic at hand. I'm upset that someone I care about so much has absolutely no respect for me or my feelings, that he feels entitled to my time and attention when all his goes to his affair, that he chooses to run from his problems rather than deal, that I have to start my life over because he's a idiot. There are lots of reasons to be upset and frankly I'm entitled to every damn one of them.

I'm not trying to get through this situation without being upset, or happy, or sad, or angry or any other emotion. I'm trying to get through it being as true to my feelings and boundaries as possible and being brutally honest with myself about what those feelings are and what boundaries are necessary.

I don't care if H gets mad. What's the worst he could do? Divorce me? He's hellbent on doing that anyway so piss on his sad little boy feelings. Time for him to grow up. I'm done placating him. Just because I choose to love him unconditionally doesn't mean that can't be unconditional TOUGH love....



End Rant...

Talia, That is how you are supposed to act and feel. You are in a healthy and productive place. If you get off track remember what worked to get you here. Share your new wisdom.

Cheers

[trytryagain]

thanks for the hugs talia, i can use them!!

as comforting as it is to have the dog at home with me, he looks at me with his huge sad eyes, wondering where his daddy is. he has practically taken up residence in front of the door, waiting for my H to come home.

thanks for the support, not that you ever want to think anyone is in a similar situation as you (cause i wouldn't wish this on ANYONE), it does somehow help to know that other people out there understand EXACTLY how i feel.

(((hugs back!)))

[MarkG]

Is this typical temper tantrum crap for a WAS?

No... that's typical of the person who was left by the WAS. Somehow you've officially reversed roles. I would tell him to get IC or some kind of help on his own and you'll consider MC after things are going better to see if reconciling is possible. Notice those words mean iffy unsure statements that still give hope. It's really surprising how your sitch turned around lately.

[chatterbug]

Hi Talia. I just wanted to drop by and say Hi. Did you book a massage yet ?

I had one today. It was fantastic.

I schedule them around times I know I will need 45 minutes to an hour of pure relaxation and a place where I can speak freely.

Its like visiting an IC in that way. As there can be conversation if needed. I talk away about everything going on in my life. And they just listen and relax ya.

Its a great way to PMA....

Your sounding stronger and stronger each day. I am glad of that.

Take Care.

[talia]

HI All,
I'm feeling better everyday - its liberating.

Cutter,
I just read you entire thread yesterday - the WHOLE thing! Holy cow you have come a long way. No wonder you give such great advice. I hope things look up for you, I'll leave my 2 cents someday soon. Thanks for dropping by here - its good to see you!No Massages yet - I have to find a way to work those into my budget. Not alot of extra room since H dosen't help with any of the bills.

Mark,
I'm not sure how the role reversal happened, but I'm realizing that I don't really have anything to lose. That might be the point where it switched. Its strange and liberating all at the same time.

OK .. Now to how to deal with this Sitch...

About this meeting, I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm equally pulled in several directions. The overall feeling is that I'm NOT interested in getting divorced, that I'm NOT interested in filing jointly because it goes against my moral values, and if H wants to be divorced he can do it and I'll respond as required by the court. SO now its just down to how I communicate that to him. I've been dark since Nov and thats going well. I don't contact him at all, for anything. He's expecting my response to his email about meeting.
Do I just email him and tell him how I feel and be done with it -No meeting?
OR do I meet with him - mostly so he can see my fabulous self - tell him how I feel and then go dark again?
OR do I just ignore him completely and he'll figure it out on his own?

Thoughts? I'm slightly leaning toward the middle option...


One other question. One of the big issues in our marriage was the condition of our house. When he left it had fallen into squalor type conditions. H never cleaned a thing, BIL who lived with us not only didn't clean but I swear was a hoarder, and I was too depressed to care and resented them both for having to be the maid. With all of this going on I realized that if I was going to keep the house - which I am - I need to get a roommate, which means I need to fix the place up. That project is close to complete now and it looks fabulous! By the time H and I meet the house will be done. Here's the question... Do I invite him to meet at the house so he can see it? He hasn't been there since Nov. My concern is if he gets mad about what I have to say I won't be able to walk away from the meeting - I would have to get him to leave. Overthinking this???

[trytryagain]

talia-

i wanted to say how incredibly strong i think you are for having gotten through the holidays while staying dark. if i go one day without contact with my H i think it's a big deal! so it's good to know that it does get easier with time.

my inclination is to meet with him (so your fabulousity can fully resonate with him), tell him how you feel about filing jointly, and let him carry the weight from there. no doubt you are very proud of the hard work you've put into getting your home back into presentable shape (clearly, one does NOT need a H around to accomplish the "honey do" list!), but i would hesitate to ask him to meet you there if you haven't seen him in a few months. i would lean towards meeting in a neutral spot like for coffee or something along those lines. for one thing, that would sort of work to keep both of your tempers/reactions in check since you'd be in a public place...and for another, it seems to me that if he let if fall into such disrepair before, there is the chance that he may not notice or be as impressed as you'd like him to be with the changes you've made.

others may disagree with me on that, but i say keep the negative energy out of your beautiful "new" home, at least for the time being. let your pride in the work you've done to it shine through you and no doubt he will notice SOMETHING is different about you. besides just being extra fabulous.

[flowmom]

I agree about meeting on neutral territory. The home is a place with a lot of memories and baggage for both of you. You've made it into your home and that's definitely worth being proud of. But seeing your changes is actually best done in a public or semi-public place where he is seeing you "out of context". It makes him think about how others might see you too.

I only see H at home and I see that as a problem, because our home is where there was a lot of unhappiness and conflict. I would like H to be able to see me in a new setting and just react to me as a person who he knows but can't stick into a slot of the roles that I have assumed in our marriage and family.

Good luck with the meeting.