Just been reading what you put on H4L's post, I do think that even if we get them back, we are still suffering from PSD of the fact that they still have crushed everything we believed in.
I totally believed that my H would never leave me. That he loved me with all his heart and always would do. That we would grow old together. That we had gone through all the crappy stuff in life and were about to start enjoying that as 40 something couple. We were childhood sweethearts, maybe a touch too much of the golden couple, the one that everyone said would never split up.
Boy were they so wrong.. So yes its all that hurt combined with knowing that we have lost all of that for good and that whatever we retrieve will never be the same. For me I now know I can never not work again as I cant take the risk that he would always be there for me.. The list of hurts are endless, and some are irrepareable but we just have to live with them..
Sorry Rocked I seem to have verbal diarhoea tonight!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Agreed. But look at the positive - we made friends with each other, we fabulous women, through this. We may have lost a bit of our hearts for our Hs, but we've made room for fabulous sisters!
Thanks Rabbit and H4L! so true, the friendships made here are precious!
Journaling:
Good IC session last night. Really good. Feeling "lighter" today, for several reasons, I think. One, IC reminded me to honor my pain. Let it be what it is. don't fight it or feel like I need to "fix" it or get through it faster. It just is. It is awful but it is valid. Second, she helped me identify a pattern that was existing in my M that has not been good for me, or H or the M. But I didn't see it... at all. She helped me see how I have a tendency to "protect" H emotionally. I cushion things for him, and try to "fix" or make things better. Because, in retrospect, I think my H has always struggled with depression (although never admitted it before this), I have felt some need or desire to make things better for him and make him happy. I also was able to identify where it started... when he had a really bad bout with depression when we had only been married five years and it scared me! Ever since then, I think I have felt like I had to make sure it would never happen again. H and I discussed this when I got home and it was a really good, calm, healthy discussion that I think was helpful for both of us. We figured out together that his depression and my need to "fix" created a cycle we've been stuck in for a long time but neither one of us identified. When I would "protect" and "fix" or "rescue" he would feel mothered, which would be a turn off, so he wouldn't meet my needs to feel special, romanced, pursued, etc. So I would withdraw in hurt and try to fix all the more... which would turn him off all the more etc. It was a light bulb moment for us both. Although this helps us understand the environment that created vulnerability for the A, I stated very clearly that he needs to know that is no excuse, and nothing justifies his choice to have an A. He acknowledged that very clearly to me (which I needed to hear, again) but also said it helps him work through his grief to have a better understanding of where he was at at the time. That helps me too. So, my homework from IC... first, to honor my pain. to be honest and real about it to myself and to H (although I realize I can't be dumping it on him all the time either... there has to be a balance). And, second, to be real and honest about whatever I may be feeling or struggling with, not minimize it. And, third to not rescue or fix with H if he seems to be struggling. Let him struggle. He is a big boy and he will find his own way through it. It is not my job, and I have been carrying far too heavy a burden for far too long.
Whew....I feel like a load is off my shoulders today. And I am so grateful that H heard me and was willing to look at this with me.
I will still be in emotional pain for a long time to come. But, that is just my reality and I have to honor that and give myself the time I need to grieve and heal. It is ok. I will be ok. I even think H and I will be ok... eventually.
I'm interested to hear what your IC said. It mirrors my IC session! Strange how that works sometimes, eh? Having my pain recognized by IC has helped me honor my own pain. And fixing H seems to be a way to deal with my own pain. When he is struggling, I try to fix - but is it so I can feel better? Like I'll feel better if he feels better? Do you wonder these things too? Like when he had his bout of depression early on - you felt scared. Maybe if you could make him feel better it would take away your fear?
I read all this stuff about self soothing. I get fearful too when my H is down - but perhaps we need to work on self soothing. Not to suppress our pain, but to comfort ourselves. I'm not great at it, but it seems to be the way. Kalni has talked about his on her thread after reading "Passionate Marriage".
Perhaps if we can help ourselves feel better, we can let go of the urge to fix our men so we can feel better.
Also, remember it's a loving gift to want to nurture and comfort the one you love when they are in pain. I think it's natural for us women. But men need to feel independent in order to feel strong. Too much "mothering" and they feel like failures inside. But that is his stuff to deal with not yours. Your job is to comfort yourself in your space of pain.
I'm scanning the posts this morning found this on Lost1234's thread (hope Lost doesn't mind if I repost) but I wanted to remind you that the "fixer" tendency is something a lot of women struggle with so you are NOT ALONE!
"One of the hardest things for me with all of this, is I too am a fixer of sorts. I am a natural caregiver. So for me it was very difficult to not want to try something, anything, to fix this and make it better. Better for who, at the beginning I would have said H, but now I have to admit that it is better for me. As I understood more of what I was dealing with, and I started “fixing” myself instead of worrying about him, girl, it was leaps and bounds.
Yes it is hard to not “fix” for him. It is hard to say, his choices and his consequences. Because I know they could have been different. But the bottom line is, if he wants things fixed, it is up to him to do that work."
Keep going Rocked your doing well!