Thanks, but the meeting is off. H's credit card bill came, and I opened it. All the way home I just kept feeling like this whole meeting thing and him coming home was not right...well over the 3 day weekend we had where S was sick the entire weekend...H was having a romantic weekend with OW in OH. Hotel room and a japanese steakhouse charge. Right now I am done! Of course I am super mad, but for him to tell me that he hasn't talked to OW in 3 weeks, while he is IMing her, and now this. I am so MAD! I don't even care if he finds out I opened his mail. It isn't like he is going to come and get it anyway and he won't be remorseful anyway because he thinks he has done nothing wrong.
He was just coming home to keep from paying rent...guess what? NO GO!
So far I am keeping from texting him and telling him what I think, but I would really love to tell OW's husband, but won't because I just want this OVER!
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Rule of thumb, don't confront until 48 hours has past. This way, you have a way to keep it calm, and say what you need to say with dignity and grace.
(((Awe)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
No good. Well definitely take some time to cool down. Maybe try to go ahead with the meeting tomorrow. It is possible for him to have a change of heart in this week (stretching a bit), but see what he has to say tomorrow. Luckily for you, you have your backup if he tries the spiel about no OW for weeks (Maybe just show him the CC statement for proof. It seems a little less obtrusive then admitting to spying on his AIM - mail is right there in the open - no passwords required). You have the power and you have the control about where the relationship goes and if he comes home or not. Hear him out and let him defend his case about why he should come home, and if you're not convinced about his change or the possilility of his change, then he'll have been given that chance and you'll have your answer. In addition, you still need to discuss the items you listed before, so at the very least, if you can keep the meeting calm, productive, and business like, you can get some of those issues resolved. But definitely, definitely cool down first...we all have been guilty of saying the things we either regret or that are just not helpful in the the heat of our anger.
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
It was my plan not to confront him for a while. I text him once I saw the information and just said "I am sorry but I am not going to do dinner tomorrow." I figured I wouldn't get a text back at any point because he has a lot at work tonight, but he did text me and say "any reason". As I was texting back, yes but i don't want to get into it tonight, he calls and calls. I finally get the text sent and he replies please just tell me, and keeps calling (I hate when he ignores me so I try not to do it to him). I answered and he asked what was going on. I said I don't want to get into it, and he said he didn't either and jsut to tell him because he was still at work. I said I opened your credit card bill and saw you went and got a hotel in OH and I am pretty sure you were not alone. HE said ok and hung up. A few minutes later he texts me and says "i don't want to fight, im sorry i am making bad decisions to ruin our lives. that was weeks ago-after our fight, but you are right that is not an excuse. i am sorry." I sent him two messages one that said I was upset because he told me that he hadn't talked to OW in weeks, but he went on this weekend thing (which was only one week ago) and I said it is worse because I spent that weekend with our son who was puking and pooping everywhere and he didn't even know because he hadn't checked in on him at all. The second text just said that I have asked for only two things and that is faithfulness and honesty. I said if he really truly is serious about coming home because he wants us to work, then he needs to come clean about everything because that is the only way we will work.
Lucky - about the meeting. I tried last night o bring up some of the stuff and he just kept saying he wanted to come home and it wasn't an issue so I am figuring in person would be more of the same because he just wants to come home. I don't think he has had a change of heart in a week. He sent me the first text that he missed me the day after he got back from the weekend with OW. They have a plan up their sleeves and I am not falling for it.
Right now I am just wanting to ruin OW's life by telling her husband everything I know, but I know I can't so I won't. I wish I actually knew him or had met him at some point. I know that is the anger, but man H and OW deserve it.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I know this is a tough time right now, but it's good that you are able to get it all out. I think it's really good that he knows that you aren't just going to be walked all over any more. If he still wants to come home, at least he knows what he is contending with.
That OW's H thing is a tough one. In some ways, he should know, but on the other hand, it will come off as revengeful. Does he really not know the extent of their relationship? And how could any man be ok with another man sleeping with his wife?
Any responses from H after your texts about willing to come clean or anything?
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
1. I don't know him and I don't want to say something to him because the picture that has been drawn of me by OW and H is that I am crazy and the one who is not wanting us to work so I am thinking he would think I am just making it up.
2. OW's H knows that she stays during the week with H, and from what I understand, and it could be a lie, he also knows about everything else and does not care because OW swears there is no sex, just friends.
OW's H is part of the problem because he is also getting the best of everything. OW won't divorce him because they have too much debt, and she lost her job so she has not way of getting insurance and with no family close by, no one to help her out because H doesn't have extra money to help her pay her bills. So he still gets his wife, but if they fight, he ships her to my H who calms her down, and then when she is "happy" again goes back to her H. OW's H gets to go out and drink (he has a drinking problem) with his buddies (works at a college) then goes home to W and if she isn't there he knows where she is and that at some point she will be home. In that aspect, H is being played too, but he doesn't care.
New events - H and I are going to meet today. I have written out exactly what I would like to say and talk about. I am going to keep everything factual and just lay out the options. I want him to choose and that is it. He has said today and previously, I just want you to tell me what to do because I can't decide, then not deciding is deciding to stay apart and that is a choice he will have to live with. I can this way at least get the keys back to the house and work out the other stuff as well. He said today that he has been so sick all month and went to the doctor who can't find out why...DUH IT IS GUILT and STRESS! Either way I am calm and ready. I have had a good day at work, and I just have to find someone at watch S for me while H and I talk. I know I may be wrong, but I don't want to get to a year without any progress at all. HE is still saying exactly waht he did one year ago when this all started, I don't know what I want, and I don't know what is wrong with me.
I will say, one good thing he once again said "I am sorry I have failed as a husband". This is the first time he has not even tried to explain away what he has done or anything else. He is owning up and saying sorry (after I caught him), but still progress.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Yeah, I see what you mean with OW's H. Given the situation, it's probably better to avoid getting in the middle of that whole thing.
Definitely a good thing that he apologized. Taking responsibility for his actions instead of continuing to make excuses for them is a great first step.
You have DB'd very well and even if tonight's meeting is not per DB, there are limits to what we can and should put up with. One of the greatest things we get out of DB, if not our H's, is an inner strength and respect for ourselves, and you have obviously gained that over these months. Good luck tonight. I hope H responds positively. I know it's not going to be easy to go over all these difficult issues with H, but at least you are coming prepared and know what you want and expect from H. Stay strong!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
OW's H is part of the problem because he is also getting the best of everything. OW won't divorce him because they have too much debt, and she lost her job so she has not way of getting insurance and with no family close by, no one to help her out because H doesn't have extra money to help her pay her bills. So he still gets his wife, but if they fight, he ships her to my H who calms her down, and then when she is "happy" again goes back to her H. OW's H gets to go out and drink (he has a drinking problem) with his buddies (works at a college) then goes home to W and if she isn't there he knows where she is and that at some point she will be home. In that aspect, H is being played too, but he doesn't care.
Okay so this is about as dysfunctional as it gets. Unfortunately, not only are you having to deal with a messed up H, but he has gone and gotten himself into a R with an even more messed up couple. I would suggest you go EXTREMELY slow about any type of reconcilliation. Ensure beyond a shadow of a doubt that your H is sincere about reconciling the M (if that is what he implies he wants to do). Also, EXTREMELY important that you ensure he provides proof of no STDs prior to resuming any type of physical relationship with him if you do move toward reconcilliation. Stay strong and focused on what you want. IMO you are the only sane one in this group right now.
Ok...ok..ok...last night was a long draining night, but ultimately I believe good things happened. Here is goes.
H came over and was already looking horrible, miserable, and like he had been crying for days. I couldn't find anyone for S so I had him set up upstairs with a movie, toys, food, etc. so we could talk alone downstairs. We sat down at the dining room table and I asked what he wanted, and I got the typical response I don't know. I said ok then what we are going to do is stay separated and head towards divorce. This destroyed H, but he just kept saying I understand or I don't know. I asked him everything I had mentioned before and more of the same so I told him what I wanted to do. He sobbed. Finally he said I don't want to divorce, and I said that then he needs to tell me what he wants to do because I want some type of plan. We talked some more and then H went from complete sadness to madness when I asked him calmly to explain to S why he couldn't see daddy anymore (H had said he didn't know when he would want to see S, but would pay support so I wanted him to be the one to tell S). This made him irrate and he left the house and walked for a while and threatened to do all kinds of stuff to himself because he was a failure and all this other stuff.
He calmed down and we talked some more. We then went out to get something to eat and talked about what had been happening the last few weeks. H cried some, especially when I talked about S being sick. He said if I would have called him, he would have come instantly, but I said he had ignored me for two weeks and I needed to know I would get an answer and help, and I couldn't guarantee that with him so didn't do it. He was very remorseful. After we put S to bed, (all night S kept saying daddy stay here) H and I talked again and he said, I don't want to divorce. He said he has told OW that he wants to be with me and wants to make things work with me. He also said he and OW have been arguing lately and haven't talked much. I then calmly brought up the AIM, and he didn't get mad or anything. He said yeah they talked then, but he said that was it. He said I could check the phone records, which I will next week when I pay the phone bill, and he even left his phone at home last night because he didn't want to call. He suggested he goes to therapy to get help.
Overall when he left, here is the plan he decided on and I agreed to. We are going to stay separated for now and during this time work on getting closer (he said he wants to get back to a place where all he wants to do is be with me). I said we need to hang out more, call, text, communicate, but it would be up to him to initiate these things. He said ok. Then he said he would call and start going to therapy next week so that he can get help with the always having feelings for other women because he does not want to come home and just hurt me again (man that is good to hear). He said he can't change on his own and would work on doing that. I also said he needs to kick OW to the curb, and he says they haven't seen each other since OH and haven't talked much since that time either.
I feel good because he is going to get help and we have direction now, not just saying "I don't know" or just seeing what will happen. I am going to give him this last chance to do what is right. He kept saying how he knows what to do right, and he knows that talking to OW and other girls is bad, but he just can't help himself. If this is true, at least he is willing to go to therapy to get help.
I don't know honestly how long I can keep waiting, but if he is going to really go to therapy and seriously get help, I want to make this work so I will wait. I even decided to put my ring back on to show myself that he did apologize and admit what he did wrong. He didn't try to even get mad at me for anything. He was remorseful, and grateful I am willing to give in another chance. Now to wait.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
