Need objective viewpoint

[Ozymandias]

I have been lurking around for a while and I finally today decided to post my sitch and see what advice there is. I know I have many options, but I want to make sure I don't act out of anger.

Here goes:

I'm 36, my wife is 40. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 sons 13, 9, and 7.

The background: I come from an upper middle class family. My father is a 3rd generation doctor, and on both sides of the family my aunts and uncles have Md's and PhD's. Both my sisters and I have advanced degrees as well. My wife comes from a blue collar family where most of her family members have not finished college.

My wife and I met in college and married (to the many protestations of my mother) just before I started graduate school. My mother was so against the marriage that when they attended the ceremony, they came in at the last minute, sat in the back, and left immediately afterward.

During the years, my wife and my mother have had several arguments (fights really) to the point where at one time I emailed my mother and told her that if she wanted to have a relationship with her grandchildren, she needed to make things work with my wife.

We got pregnant at the beginning of my second year of graduate school so instead of going on to get a PhD; I finished my masters degrees, found a good job at a hospital, bought a house and started a family.

After about 2 years, I took another job with a government agency. I did not like it, but it was stable and had great benefits. About 9 months after that I took a job that paid significantly less with a start-up company that had great potential for growth and advancement. Of course, it did not grow like we were expecting and the guy who ran the company was abusive and demanding. The 5 years I put in at that company took a tool on our marriage because she was never keen on me taking the job in the first place. She wanted me to quit several times, but I stayed because there were several periods of growth in which I thought the real money was around the corner, and because my job title and responsibilities were outside my area of education and if I were to go back to my field, I would have to start at the bottom again and work my way back up.

I became the middle of a power play between the president and the board of directors and got fed up and quit. I floundered for a few months and through networking landed another position with a start-up. Things went extremely well: we bought a new house in the “best school district”, were saving money and thought we were on our way until the principal partner walked off with all the money and left me and another partner holding the bag.

I went into crisis mode and got a job working nights at a local convenience store, got a part time consulting job, and worked for one of my buddy's who owned a lawn care business. I did this for a year working 80 hours a week to make ends meet. Money was tight, but we were making it.

It was somewhere towards the end of that year that she told me that she did not think she could get over all the things that had happened in our marriage and that she did not want to be married anymore. I did some digging and found out she was having an EA with a guy she had met on MySpace. I never told her that I knew about the other guy, but I did pursue too much. After a few weeks, I wised up and backed off, and after about 3-4 months she came back around. On several occasions I tried to get her to talk about what was going on during that time and she would just blow it off and say that she was just in a bad place and that she was good now.

By this point I had begun working in my father's private practice (he lives about 1000 miles away from us and I was flying back and forth every week). We finally decided that we would move near my parents (not too close, because my mother and my wife don't really speak) and I would work full time with my father. Then the economy tanked and so I was stuck working in one place and flying back every week or two to see the family, while we worked to sell the house. Again, things seemed fine and she had given no indication that there was a problem. We talked every day on the phone and when I flew home it was like I had never left. Previous to Thanksgiving, I noticed that the conversations on the phone were a little flat, but when I came to visit, things were fine. We got into an argument while I was there over me being too involved during one of our son's wrestling matches, but when I left I thought we had ironed it out.

Within a day or so of me arriving back to work, she hits me with ILYBNILWY and told me that over the past year she has been faking it and that she can't any more. She then said all the typical WAW stuff about it being her and that I am a great husband and father, but that she is not happy and just has no romantic feelings towards me. I did not freak out, but told her I was willing to give her some space however this time she said that as far as she was concerned, we were separated.

I stayed where I work between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and when I came home for Christmas we slept in the same bed, but she all but put a pillow between us. She has not told any friends, and has not told the kids, so she is acting like nothing is wrong and putting up a great front for everyone.

I did some more digging and found some questionable texts in her phone, and a number with just initials for a name. I looked at the cellphone bill and she has been calling and texting that number like no body's business and had a few at 2 or 3am during the time I was home. I believe she is having another EA, and because I am gone most of the time there is nothing to keep it from being a PA.

I have read DB and DR and I have been distancing myself. She at one point a week or two ago told me that she was rethinking things and had been talking to a friend and was realizing that the “feelings” don't always have to be there, and stuff like that. I was encouraged and was thinking I could make it.

Then today she tells me that she doesn't want me to come home on the date she had originally asked if I could. She gave me an excuse that since she is playing at a coffee shop that night she did not want the hassle of having to pick me up at the airport an hour or two before her show. I told her that I had thought about that and was planning to come in at 10:30am. She was quiet, and then asked if I would miss too many clients and I told her no. She then said “oh, that is not what I was thinking” and then said she would have to think about it.

I am totally pissed and trying not to react angrily. I have not been home since Christmas and now she is telling me she does not want me to come home after a month?????

Obviously there is a lot more history (15years worth) and I gave more factual than relationship information but that is the overview. We get along well, we are nice to each other. I have a strong personality and know that in the beginning of our relationship she felt like I ran over her, but over the past several years I have really made an effort to make sure we are on the same page by asking her opinion before I tell her mine, and going along with what she wants/thinks even if I don't totally agree. I am the "cool, calm, rational" one and she is the more "emotionally demonstrative". However, I always told her how much I loved and appreciated her. I am not naturally argumentative and she is conflict avoid-ant until she blows up. I could go on and on, but will shut up now.

I would love to hear some input from other people who can be objective about this issue in particular and about my sitch in general.