Freckle - thank you. He left because of a big "incident" so it's definitely me - but nine months later I have to come to terms with hey it's not all me. Since the "incident" it's become the usual WAS script -= it's always been me since the start and he should have seen it.
You're right on the money that it's time I speak up that it's both of us. Although he'd like to say "we're just not good together" I think we need to fix our destructive patterns. That means I have to speak up for my side of things. I have to remind myself that his anger is and always has been a problem, as well as his tendency to chuck things that aren't "perfect" and to blame others for not being "perfect".
You're right that I need to focus on myself. I have been trying to get a pt job - but it's hard to do around S's school schedule. He is my most important job and always will be. Especially now, he needs his mommy to be there consistently - since dad isn't, and since mom and dad are having such problems.
Nonetheless, when I am home there's lots to do if I can clear my mind enough to focus on myself. I need to accept that we are separated and may never be back together - I've never wanted to accept this as I believe we can work through our problems. On the other hand, I know that even psychically he can pick up on this pressure and feel he doesn't have a choice. So just for today, I'll try to keep my focus off of him and the bad stuff he feels for me, and just focus on my own life.
Rabbit - darn! Dying to hear how it's going with H! Will be looking for an update tomorrow!
