Has your W shown you enough to convince you that she understands the importance of trust in a relationship and that she wants to rebuild your trust in her? I'm thinking that if she was having an PA with someone who was also having a PA, it seems that she didn't consider either family.
May God help you with your tough choices ahead, together or apart.
OTMT
Trust is the overriding issue with her right now. She doesn't trust anyone, not God, not even herself (because of her decisions) yet alone me. She never learned to trust anyone. Her mother not only permitted her to be sexually abused as an 11 year old girl but participated in it. The one person in this world who a child should be able to trust and be protected by failed her. I could never meet her emotional needs (even if I knew what I know now) and the OM only could because he too was abused and they found that common ground and became codependent.
We had a good talk on Saturday and she is working with her IC on why she had the PA and how to trust again but the IC said this is a long process (not as long as the abuse that lasted 4 years) but won't be fixed in a couple of months. W stated she doesn't know what she wants or how to get to where she needs to be. Compared to many other sitchs on this board I am fortunate. We sleep together (no sex), kiss goodnight, have affection, go out to dinner and talk. She's just not at point where she can work on us and even said she realized that it was not fair to me but was doing what she could to make changes she needs to get past her dysfunction. She has mentioned she can see lots of positive changes in me but has said she worries it may be temporary and she can't go back to where we were. Neither can I because I can't live like we did for 21 years. This is make or break for both of us. The ironic thing is I'm the one who has wanted out for many years of our M and now I'm the one who wants to save it. I think I haven't gotten past the fear of the damage it will do to our kids and fear of being 56 alone. Gotta get better at detaching and being happy.
Working- look at things from your WAS' perspective. It is helpful. It helped me, truly look at the M and the shortcomings from your S point of view, it will help you communicate in the future and help you act appropriately using DB tactics. Having an A is wrong, period, but look at what helped drive S to that situation from their point of view. Also will help you in realizing why things progress (or don't progress) so slowly. I'm no vet, I'm leaning on the experts here every day, and I screw up all the time. The 2x4s I've gotten from here are my saviors, but this is one I learned along the way that has helped.
Absolutely I have looked things from her POV and understand how I failed. I totally get it and is not a struggle like it is for some. Of course she failed me too but I have always been the healthier person emotionally but not all that healthy myself knowing what I know now. I became resentful and angry over my needs not being met which pushed her away and became totally unattractive. It was not overt but a suble anger she said permeated everything I did. I've done a good job getting that under control. She's been pretty honest in her communication which I guess is good because she states she can't make any promises since she doesn't understand why she had the PA (she accepts it was completely wrong) and has HUGE trust issues that have to be worked through before she can work on the M (see post above re trust).
My major issues right now are the uncertainty of the future and the anxiety it causes me (really having problems with sleep) and how long will it take before I know we will reconcile or it is over. Change takes place so slowly in not only W but me. I have to be careful to guard my heart and not get bitter/resentful again. I need an occasional 2x4 since I haven't mastered detaching and still try and meet a lot of her superficial needs (asking how she is or how she feels, can I do anything for you, etc). Just like she is going through a process I'm doing that too with 180s, GAL, manning up, boundaries, not allowing disrespectful behavior from her. Puppy, Robx, Sandi2, Greek and Gucci posts have been very helpful with the above. I read and soak up their advice.
I don't think it is ever the "right choice". I don't believe anyone here on the board thinks otherwise, nor do they feel that it is justified. We often "understand" the reasons behind an affair, but it still is not justified.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for asking Sandi2. Last week we were able to talk a little with openess but this week W has been really depressed and avoiding contact with me and kids, hiding out in our bedroom. Something happened on Monday and all she would say then was "not a good day." We went to church on Sunday and I could see her wiping tears from her eyes (I've never seen her cry in church) and she started going to a new bible study on Wednesday.
My IC said it could be the weight of all the lies and betrayal have come home to roost and this could be a good thing (God convicting her & breaking her sin cycle). My opinion is it could be that something happened with the OM even though I have no evidence of contact. Maybe he told my W it was really over or his W kicked him out or filed for S or D and now she's feeling bad for him and the aftermath of their affair and destruction of a family (OM kids didn't know about A, maybe they found out).
I have no clue what it is (you want to guess?) but I'm getting stronger and applying DB principles better but still slip and ask how she is doing sometimes and then walk away upset with myself for asking. Just have to accept that for every step forward there will probably be a step back and to be patient and keep the long term goal in view, keeping in mind there is still no guarantee DBing will save the marriage even if applied perfectly (which I'm far from doing). Trouble is at times I feel I want to D and move on with my life but I know for a fact I'm not ready. It's only been one month since I confronted them. I don't want to push for D until she's had 6 months to show a sign of progress and I need to be emotionally healthy myself to deal with a D if it comes to that.
Could really use some advice from vets - Sandi, Coach, Robx, Gucci, others. W was depressed and in bed most days last 2 weeks which is why I didn't post. I assumed it was withdrawal over end of A with OM. Turns out she texted him 3X last week but he did not reply back. I found out from OM'sW that she kicked him out and OM had to confress A to his 3 teens. Fantasty over. I contronted W on Friday night and told her she should move out if she wants to pursue R with OM and I'll move on. She didn't know OM had been kicked out which confirms to me has he hasn't contacted my W. She was p!ssed and said she wanted to S but wanted me to move out. I refused.
Convo ended with us calming down and agreeing to get apartment and alternate 50/50 at apt and home for sake of kids. Next day she wants to move to Seattle (1.5hr from where we live) and start life there (OM lives there too) so says she will need to get apt there instead of local. D17 confronts mom yesterday about all her lies and W realizes D17 hates her and in danger of permanently losing her so W changes mind and won't move away. Doesn't discuss with me, just tells me she is not moving and we need to get local apt.
She's been calling all the shots for months, blames me 100% for everything and has zero respect for me. I told her last night I've already let go of her and feel for the first time I truly have. Tonight I tell her I'm not moving out, even to a shared apt. She can get apt if she is so miserable with me. I expect sH!t to hit fan big time but will try my best not to argue or get angry and tell her she can file for D if that's what she needs but I'm not moving except by court order. She is deathly afraid I will try to get physical custody of S10 if we D, which is the only card I have and will use if she tries to have me removed from my home.
Any reason I should not have Robx convo with her? It may be the mother of all arugments and initate the D but nothing I've done has worked and she despises me anyway. My only doubt is after reading Harley's book "Suviving an Affair" he seems to believe if the spouse that leaves is to return that all the bridges must not have been burned and love bank not drained totally and in the red. Robx way would seem to put a nail in the coffin, not that one isn't already in it. Opinions?
