Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

So after seeing D7 at her school -- she was the first to get the shot and did fine -- I stopped by the house to see how D10 was doing.

She asked if I was mad she stayed home. I said no. She said W thought I was mad.

She also said W called me a j*ck*ss when she hung up the phone.

I told D10 that W never asked me to help. If she had, I would have been able to work out something, but she never asked.

D10 looked confused. I told her I was going to pretend she never told me what W said because I don't want her to get into the middle of it.

As far as I can remember, I have not called W a name in front of the girls. D10 did overhear my conversation this weekend with a friend where I said her reasons for divorcing me are "a bunch of cr*p."

I'll just have to file it away that W isn't playing by the same rules. It's not really a surprise. She almost always reacts poorly when there's trouble at work.

[ClingingToHope]

W calls me at work. She was talking about D10 when I, perhaps I shouldn't have, said she should have asked if I could help.

That set her off. She said she shouldn't have to ask. I should have offered.

I told her that that's what I've been doing for the past seven years and she told me eight months ago I didn't do things for her out of love, I only did them so she'd become so dependant on me she couldn't leave me.

Conversation was going downhill from there and she said "again it's me not communicating so it's all my fault."

That's when I lost it and said, "you know what, it is." And hung up.

She called back five minutes later after talking to D10 to ask if I indeed had stopped at home. I said yes. She said "thanks" and hung up.

I don't know if I handled it well. I was trying to say if she wants/needs my help, she needs to ask. I'm not going to jump in and offer because I can't read her mind.

[mishka422]

Oh my, oh my.

Gee CTH, you haven't learned that you 'should' always know exactly what she wants and needs and that you 'should' always step up and offer your assistance even when you aren't asked? Gee, what ever were you thinking? Oh yeah.........you were thinking she is divorcing you and is now responsible for taking care of the girls and making arrangements for them when well or sick when it is her time with them. Go figure!

Sorry for the sarcasm, but she really has no clue what being D'd is really like does she? She is 100% on her own unless she opens her mouth and says she needs help. Even then, it's up to you to decide if you are going to offer the help or not. She can't demand it or expect it any longer.

The anger today was understandable, but not conducive to co-parenting, as you know. If I could make a suggestion, start working on an email with your expectations of what co-parenting will look like. Invite her to respond with her expectations and then you two can come to some agreement that falls in the middle. Do this in email only. Do not get into discussion on the phone about this.

[awest1217]

I like that mishka. It is good to set everything possible down on paper so there aren't any hidden expectations. The only thing I am wondering from a D standpoint is, Is Wednesday your day with the girls or just the night? and what happens if D10 is sick tomorrow morning? So just trying to think about when would be your time to stay home with her once again to write it down. Like if the girls get sick on Wednesday night and I have then THursday morning I stay home with them, but otherwise W has to ask.

Keep hanging in there. You are doing well and good job explaining to D10 that you are not going to go there. It will definitely teach them by example.

[ClingingToHope]

I was thinking about emailing her but was leaning toward just letting it drop. I'm glad I didn't bring up her calling me a name in front of the girls. I don't appreciate that, but stuff like that is only going to hurt her. I am always going to be there for them and they'll see that. I will never call their mom names or criticize her in front of them. I tell them, and I believe it, that I will always love W.

She's just a troubled person who doesn't handle stress well.

[ClingingToHope]

I sent her an email and I'm expecting to get a nasty response in return. We'll see. Unfortunately, I may have to see her today. D10 has a doctor's appointment at 2 p.m. and she's going to drop her off after. I'll be home with D7 waiting for the after-school sitter.

Hopefully, she'll just let D10 walk up to the apartment and not come with her because she wants to "discuss" things.

[ClingingToHope]

So I have the girls tonight. Everything is going very well. But D7 is in a playful mood. It's about 8:30 p.m. and I'm trying to get her up to bed. She keeps wanting to do a running karate kick.

I let her a couple more times.

Then the doorbell rings. It's the neighbor telling me to tell the girls to stop jumping around. She's trying to get her son to sleep.

I ask her if she's serious. She says she is.

I just shut the door. We're on the main floor. Her son should be upstairs. I only have them one night a week and every other weekend. This is the third complaint I've gotten in six months.

There's no way I'm telling my girls to dial it down when I have them. So now I'm looking for a house to rent. It'll be a needle in a haystack to find a nice place in my price range in a good neighborhood in this school district.

In the morning, I'm calling the apartment complex manager to tell them this isn't working out. Either they find an end of building townhouse -- only one neighbor to worry about -- or we do a month-by-month deal until I find a place to move to.

And now I'm mad. I've been a dedicated husband and a steady provider. Every dime I've made I've poured back into my family and my home and now I'm the one having to scramble to find the right place to live.

[ClingingToHope]

The only thing I am wondering from a D standpoint is, Is Wednesday your day with the girls or just the night? and what happens if D10 is sick tomorrow morning? So just trying to think about when would be your time to stay home with her once again to write it down. Like if the girls get sick on Wednesday night and I have then THursday morning I stay home with them, but otherwise W has to ask.

If either of the girls are sick after a night I had them -- Monday after a Sunday or Thursday after a Wednesday, I'd stay home, no questions asked. Unless it was a real big illness that they'd want their mommy for. Then and only then would I call W.

I asked W for a 50/50 split. She didn't want that. I've emailed asking for an additional night in the summer to make it 6 of 14 days that they are with me. She hasn't responded.

Funny thing. She promised she'd drop more stuff off tonight for D10. She didn't.

[awest1217]

I am not sure about Illinois, but in Indiana, even with just visitation, the non-custodial parent gets half the summers with the children and half the vacations. For example, when the girls have two weeks off at Christmas, you would get them for one whole week and W would get one whole week. During the summer, you would get the girls for half the weeks that they are off, and once again that is just for visitation so since you are doing joint physical custody you have a right to have the girls for half the summer (that is the part I have a hard time with when it come to D with my H because I couldn't live a whole month with only seeing S once in a while). Something you should definitely look in to.

Sorry about looking for a new place. Apartments are hard when you have young children. Maybe a duplex somewhere? At least that way you only have one neighbor as well.

[ClingingToHope]

Looked at a house that would fit my price range. It's a great location. Close to a school playground. Close to another park. Nice yard.

But everything in it is old and dingy. The two bedrooms are small. The light fixtures are old.

Maybe I'm spoiled. I'm going to take the girls to it to see what they think.