Thanks Rabbit and H4L! so true, the friendships made here are precious!
Journaling:
Good IC session last night. Really good. Feeling "lighter" today, for several reasons, I think. One, IC reminded me to honor my pain. Let it be what it is. don't fight it or feel like I need to "fix" it or get through it faster. It just is. It is awful but it is valid. Second, she helped me identify a pattern that was existing in my M that has not been good for me, or H or the M. But I didn't see it... at all. She helped me see how I have a tendency to "protect" H emotionally. I cushion things for him, and try to "fix" or make things better. Because, in retrospect, I think my H has always struggled with depression (although never admitted it before this), I have felt some need or desire to make things better for him and make him happy. I also was able to identify where it started... when he had a really bad bout with depression when we had only been married five years and it scared me! Ever since then, I think I have felt like I had to make sure it would never happen again. H and I discussed this when I got home and it was a really good, calm, healthy discussion that I think was helpful for both of us. We figured out together that his depression and my need to "fix" created a cycle we've been stuck in for a long time but neither one of us identified. When I would "protect" and "fix" or "rescue" he would feel mothered, which would be a turn off, so he wouldn't meet my needs to feel special, romanced, pursued, etc. So I would withdraw in hurt and try to fix all the more... which would turn him off all the more etc. It was a light bulb moment for us both. Although this helps us understand the environment that created vulnerability for the A, I stated very clearly that he needs to know that is no excuse, and nothing justifies his choice to have an A. He acknowledged that very clearly to me (which I needed to hear, again) but also said it helps him work through his grief to have a better understanding of where he was at at the time. That helps me too. So, my homework from IC... first, to honor my pain. to be honest and real about it to myself and to H (although I realize I can't be dumping it on him all the time either... there has to be a balance). And, second, to be real and honest about whatever I may be feeling or struggling with, not minimize it. And, third to not rescue or fix with H if he seems to be struggling. Let him struggle. He is a big boy and he will find his own way through it. It is not my job, and I have been carrying far too heavy a burden for far too long.
Whew....I feel like a load is off my shoulders today. And I am so grateful that H heard me and was willing to look at this with me.
I will still be in emotional pain for a long time to come. But, that is just my reality and I have to honor that and give myself the time I need to grieve and heal. It is ok. I will be ok. I even think H and I will be ok... eventually.
