If the OM's W is leaving, then you cannot depend on pressure from that end of things. I don't think you need to depend on your in-laws, either. You need to set your boundaries based on what you will not tolerate as a man/husband. Be prepared to be tested from her....and be ready to put consequenses into action. Think about it before you tell her b/c you don't want to go back on your word and you don't want to do like some parents and constantly "reminding" her what your boundaries are or the consequenses of breaking them.
What are your ages and the ages of your children?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W has threatened leaving for much of the 10 years and to my fault I though it was just passing, each time. I should have listened more closely, and she should have communicated it better.
So we know you don't listen to her.....and I'll bet she doesn't think of much you say, either. One reason I think that she doesn't listen to you is b/c you said she doesn't respect you, so I doubt she'll think that you are going to do what you'll say you'll do.
Is her XH the father of the children? If not, then there should be no need for her to have to contact him, but didn't look as if she was trying to find an excuse.
You must not have fear of what your WAW might do. She will smell fear and act worse than a dog in attack command. Showing no fear of her actions, thoughts, or feelings, will also cause a beginning of respect from her. She won't show that, right away, but she will respect you for it.
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I take care of her well(cooking, cleaning, construction, errand boy, coffee barista, bartender, etc.) What do i stop doing to remove the cake or fork?
These are all things that she could "hire" a person to do for her. Stop doing it. You want her to stop eating cake? Stop serving it up!
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I shaking while i type, and i'm welling up with all of this pressure.
I can't say that I know how you feel, but I try to undestand. I think I have learned a lot about LBH's. I believe in DBing and I know from experience that this board can do wonders for a person and give support like you never thought possible. If you'll stick with the people here, you'll be glad you did.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/27/1002:01 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would suggest that you do things for you and the children. But, I think you need to break out of this role you've created where you come across as almost a hired hand. Sorry for sounding so harsh, I can't think of a softer way of saying it. Is your love language acts of service? B/c that is what you give her by all these things you do for her, however, she doesn't appreciate it at this time. You need to shock her into seeing that you don't have to do those things for her. She needs to see that you had done that out of love.....but it has stopped. You don't tell her....just show her.
On the cooking, I would cook enough for everyone and if she was there when the meal was ready then she has the same opportunity to eat as the rest, but you don't go out of your way to see that she eats. If she's not there, then she misses the meal and has to fix something for herself whenever she gets home. Yes, she will be tired and she's use to you waiting on her.....but no more Mr. Nice Guy!
You don't wash her clothes, but if you wash yours, be sure the kids have clean clothes. Even if washing clothes for the kids are helping her, they don't need to go without. If her clothes have not been washed....she'll get the message.
Teach the kids how to join in and help straighten the house, but don't pick up any of her glasses she may have left sitting around, her books, or anything like that. She is an adult, but the kids aren't.
If she says something about why she didn't get something to eat or her clothes washed.....you don't say anything. Just give her a long look and then walk away. That is enough said. But, if you do say something.....just say that the kids need your help. Don't say anymore b/c it will lead to a R talk and that is what you need to avoid.
WAW's need to experience shock and loss. If you will do this one area of no acts of service, she will experience both to a degree. Be sure to break yourself from fixing her drinks, and the other things you've mentioned.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/27/1011:46 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I makes perfect sense, harsh or not. Might be too late, but i'm in.
i can't wait for the boundary discussion. "He's just a Friend...I have no intention to be with him...there are so many obstacles(distance children jobs) between EX and I...It's not about him, its about me...i love you as a man, just have no connection with you...you invaded my privacy...what do you know?...how did you find it?...did you have someone watching me...you can't talk to OM W...you can't tell my friends/fam...it's not your place to ask me to stop communication with him"
i had the kids return her call last night, and then light talk for about a minute. she asked me to call her today sometime. i'll wait for her call. several texts to OM last night and more today.
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
I would suggest that you do things for you and the children. But, I think you need to break out of this role you've created where you come across as almost a hired hand. Sorry for sounding so harsh, I can't think of a softer way of saying it. Is your love language acts of service? B/c that is what you give her by all these things you do for her, however, she doesn't appreciate it at this time. You need to shock her into seeing that you don't have to do those things for her. She needs to see that you had done that out of love.....but it has stopped. You don't tell her....just show her.
On the cooking, I would cook enough for everyone and if she was there when the meal was ready then she has the same opportunity to eat as the rest, but you don't go out of your way to see that she eats. If she's not there, then she misses the meal and has to fix something for herself whenever she gets home. Yes, she will be tired and she's use to you waiting on her.....but no more Mr. Nice Guy!
You don't wash her clothes, but if you wash yours, be sure the kids have clean clothes. Even if washing clothes for the kids are helping her, they don't need to go without. If her clothes have not been washed....she'll get the message.
Teach the kids how to join in and help straighten the house, but don't pick up any of her glasses she may have left sitting around, her books, or anything like that. She is an adult, but the kids aren't.
If she says something about why she didn't get something to eat or her clothes washed.....you don't say anything. Just give her a long look and then walk away. That is enough said. But, if you do say something.....just say that the kids need your help. Don't say anymore b/c it will lead to a R talk and that is what you need to avoid.
WAW's need to experience shock and loss. If you will do this one area of no acts of service, she will experience both to a degree. Be sure to break yourself from fixing her drinks, and the other things you've mentioned.
i can't wait for the boundary discussion. "He's just a Friend...I have no intention to be with him...there are so many obstacles(distance children jobs) between EX and I...It's not about him, its about me...i love you as a man, just have no connection with you...you invaded my privacy...what do you know?...how did you find it?...did you have someone watching me...you can't talk to OM W...you can't tell my friends/fam...it's not your place to ask me to stop communication with him"
A: I agree. I cannot control you, nor do I have any desire to. You are a grown woman. Just know that I will NOT live in an open marriage, nor one where my own wife is lying to me. It's incredibly disrespectful. It's only fair that I let you know that. What you DO with that information is entirely up to you."
cannon, Be ready for exactly what you wrote, that is exactly the spew my wife said almost word for word. It is all lies and deceit. Do what Puppy and sandi say. Do not give her information on how or where you found your info. Stay with your boundaries.
I like some of these quotes from Dr. Huizenga: It must be easy for you to lose yourself with him. You dont seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue. It is very normal to throw yourself at another person when you feel so empty. It is very easy to question a marriage when Prince Charming comes along. You can throw away an old pair of pants when you get a new one. But, the new one also becomes old. Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity. It seems to me that there is this great hole in you, and you think the other person will fill it. Do you ever wonder whether he is as great as you think he is? You seem to give all your energy to him and not have much left. Do you REALLY know what you are doing? Any doubts?
I like some of these quotes from Dr. Huizenga: It must be easy for you to lose yourself with him. You dont seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue. It is very normal to throw yourself at another person when you feel so empty. It is very easy to question a marriage when Prince Charming comes along. You can throw away an old pair of pants when you get a new one. But, the new one also becomes old. Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity. It seems to me that there is this great hole in you, and you think the other person will fill it. Do you ever wonder whether he is as great as you think he is? You seem to give all your energy to him and not have much left. Do you REALLY know what you are doing? Any doubts?
i like those quotes alot, did you say those to W, how did she respond?
M=37 W=40 Married=10,T=12 D=10 D=8 WAW Bomb=1/12 EA confirmed=1/13 EA exposed=1/27 Current In house separation
time. You need to shock her into seeing that you don't