I would still like my marriage to work out somehow, but I honestly can’t see him ever coming back. If that is what he decides, I’m ok with that too. I know that he is angry and scared, and that a lot of what he says is empty threats. I’m going to really start DB’ing, but mainly for me not him. Him having an A is not a deal breaker for me.
I’m still not sure how I should let the OWH now, I agree 100% that he deserves to know. In addition, should I be telling family and friends? I need advice on how to deal with my H when I do have to see or talk to him. Now that the affair is exposed, do I change any of my DB’ing techniques?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28, it sounds like a hard conversation, not the outcome you hoped for I'm sure. From what I've read on the forum, maintaining the option of reconciling requires a huge amount of effort on the part of the LBS in terms of walking a fine line between setting boundaries but also leaving the door open. I'm not sure that an "I give up, it's up to you to decide" attitude on your part does leave the door open to reconciliation. Not fair of course.
I feel uneasy about the idea of your revealing to OWH. Of course he has the right to know, but you should only do that if it's clear that it's in your interest. As far as other people knowing, I also think that's tricky. Eventually everyone may know. But if your hope of reconciling comes to pass, think of everyone knowing about the A, having judgements not only about your H but about you for taking him back, etc. Once you open that box, you can't close it again. I think in your situation I would reveal to a few close friends for my own support, not as a R strategy to make H suffer. But I haven't BTDT like some of the wise folks who are advising you on this thread, so take with a big lump of salt.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, Thank you for the advice. I don't want to go around telling everyone (family and friends) to hurt him. I have informed a few close friends already.
I'm thinking for me, not telling everyone is huge 180 on my part. When I first suspected OW, I told everyone, which pushed my H right out the door. So I think it would suprise him that I'm NOT telling everyone. And I think he'll worry that I'm going to, which will make him finally start owning his guilt.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I feel uneasy about the idea of your revealing to OWH. Of course he has the right to know, but you should only do that if it's clear that it's in your interest.
You tell the other spouse because it's the right thing to do. And it is in your best interest. Exposing to the other spouse is not immoral, unethical, or unloving. DBing isn't about how you feel, it's about taking confident, healthy, productive, effective, loving and wise actions.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, Thank you, I do agree OWH has a right to know. I will be informing him as soon as can. After exposing A to my H last night, the OW might tell her H. I don't have a phone number for him (unlisted), so right now that is biggest problem of how I get in touch with him to tell him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
....I will continue to do my 180’s, LRT, and GAL. Now I know these are for me and not him.
....I will be speaking to L tomorrow for legal advice.
I want to thank everyone for all the good advice today.
Good luck to you and stay the course with the GAL.
Also stay focused on your children. A last thing is to remember that as evil as you may feel your husband is, he is still the father of your children and will always be. That is going to be a bitter pill to swallow as your children grow up because that will mean he will be in your life (one way or another) for many years to come. This means that you really need to figure out a way that the two of you can be civil, even when he has betrayed you and proven to be untrustworthy. You might want to write that on a card you keep in your wallet as a constant reminder.
Again, good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
If you are going to expose, then yes.. Expose it to the whole world.. One big swipe.... Quickly..
You made a mistake in telling him last night before you told the OW'sH...
You marriage can survive your husband being angry... It can't survive three people in it...
If the OW hasn't told her husband yet, then that is a sign in YOUR favor.....
you HAVE to tell the OWH NOW... Get to it.. NOW.. Do not wait any longer.. Get this exposed to the light of day and take the fun out of their lives.. The thrill of affairs is teh secrecy.
Last night I did tell my H not to contact me for awhile, unless it had something to do with the kids or bills. H just texted me:
H: We need 2 talk tonight. It's important Me: About What H:I will tell u when I come over
I haven't replied to this one yet, and not sure if I should or what I should say. My first instinct is to reply with "If it's not about the kids or bills, I don't want to talk right now". Help, what should I do?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Tell him you already made plans for nite. Tell him you might we able to do Friday lunch, or maybe something on Sunday.
He's going to do what he's going to do. There's nothing that says you have to make it easier for him big you think you can handle it, let him sweat a little.
