H is apartment hunting today

[lostnotgone]

Great suggestion:

"I know we've had many changes, but I see the world differently. I love you and I hope you will see the side of me you loved once and could discover it again later on"

I want so much to hear those 3 words from H - not "I will always Love you - I am just not in love". HURTS to the core.

I have not told him I love him for about 2 weeks. I know I need to but do not want the hurt.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OP and OTM. that's good advice. i haven't said "i love you" to him in at least a few weeks. i said it once to him a few days after he dropped the bomb (and before i found and read DR), but haven't said it (or texted or emailed it) to him since. i have found other ways to SHOW him my love without saying it...making a home cooked meal for us to share when i know he's been eating fast food and take out for the last few weeks, or packing a lunch for him to take to work after going grocery shopping. he got a new job last week that he'll start this coming monday and i left a card in the car just saying congrats, i'm very proud and i know you'll do really well there. no i love you.

he knows i still have faith in making our M work, becuase i have told him as much. it's hard to take the ADHD into account sometimes because over the last 5 years, i've grown so accostomed to the way he behaves (in patterns) that i honestly forget he has it and just think, that's just him being him. but i have read enough about to know that his brain just doesn't function the way mine does.

i know he's operating with a lot of guilt right now so i'm trying my best to not heap any more on him. he wants to have lunch to go over legal papers and discuss when he'll move out (he hasn't said as much but i know it's coming), so i'm working on approaching the situation from a non-emotional standpoint. OTM, that's a good line and i like the idea of being able to say i love you without setting him up to reply to me.

trust me, i know some of my pervious posts sound like i'm wallowing and i will admit i've done a bit of that, but all my desperation is kept behind the closed door of my apartment and my H does not see any of it. i put my brave face on when i do see him...which is less and less these days.

one of the things he said to me earlier was that he SHOULD want to fight for our M and he just doesn't. i'm optimistic that that's not a forever feeling and right now he just needs some breathing room to figure that out.

sigh.

[Cadet]

i know some of my pervious posts sound like i'm wallowing and i will admit i've done a bit of that, but all my desperation is kept behind the closed door of my apartment and my H does not see any of it. i put my brave face on when i do see him...which is less and less these days.

This sound good listen to yourself! Come here and vent all you want. That is ok! Stay on this path.

[Coach]

but it needs to be known because why fight for a M with someone who doesn't love you?

You show them with your actions. First, love your self - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Have boundaries, one of the most loving and attractive things you can do in any relationship. "Love your neighbor as yourself."

[trytryagain]

i'm doing my best to show H my love through actions. DESPITE what my mother says about kicking his a$$ to the curb. she can't understand why i "put up with" all of this...i always thought that my mom would tell me to do whatever i needed to do to make my marriage work, but as this is the second time he wants to separate, mom sees this as something that will continue over and over, even if we were to reconcile.

anyway, i'm being as nice and friendly as i can be without letting him walk all over me. i don't think he intends to walk all over me and has let me know he wants to give me $$ every month for at least a year or so to help me out...but i also think that's out of guilt (he makes twice what i make) and also a desire to not look like so much of a "bad guy."

loving myself has always been a problem for me. suggestions on where to start??

[Coach]

suggestions on where to start??

physical exercise - jog/walk, lift weights, bodyweight exercises, cut out sugar in your diet

read, learn, take a class

understand your feelings, where do they come from? are they triggered by dysfunctional beliefs?

go on a retreat, go to church, read the bible
pray for help, wisdom and discernment

[trytryagain]

have been running and doing yoga...it helps boost my energy and gives me that adrenaline high, which is good.

i'm journaling every day, found a new church that i LOVE, reading a lot...a retreat would be nice, for sure.

i've started praying a lot. not just asking for things like strength and wisdom, but also saying thank you - i put my faith on the back burner for many years and it feels good to talk to god so much again.

i understand my feelings well enough...i let a lot of people use me before i met and married my H and my self esteem really suffered. i need to work on getting past the fact that i'm not that person anymore and that i deserve the same love that i put out into the universe. i made a LOT of stupid mistakes in my past and i'm not sure that i've ever entirely forgiven myself for letting myself get to that point...i think i've always been fearful that "someone like me" (or at least who i was a few years ago) didn't really get or deserve a strong, stable love in their life. sounds sad now that i see it in writing. but i can see how that fear has allowed me to act and react with fear within my M, causing my H to feel like nothing he can ever do will convince me that he truly loves me.