The adventure chronicles

[Gnosis]

So,the wife called this morning and says in a nutshell that she wants to come home and will be totally committed to me and us and wants to know what I want. A fair question I guess. I responded, I want a woman who's not going to cheat on me and love me for me.

That is a fair response. I hope you realize that it was a slap in the face for her.

You could tell her the truth... i.e. you are not sure of what you want at the moment and you need some time to think things through. Tell her that you need some space to reflect and digest... because you really do.

Take the time to WRITE out everything you want and don't want. Put it down on paper because it helps you reach a rational decision. This is a CRITICAL turning point right here.

She said, I don't think you're going to be able to get past the hurt I've caused

Both of you don't know the real answer to this question at this point in time. She is mind-reading and you're in an emotional state. You could tell her, "W, you have no idea of what I am and am not capable of dealing with. Please do not try to read my mind because you have no idea of what is going on inside it. I need some time and space so that I can give you an HONEST answer."

so do you just want to go ahead and get divorced? She said that she would try to get the house refinanced in her name if I would move out with my daughter and that she has applied for a job in the local area. She said that she's tired of begging to come home and that she knows that it will be difficult for me to trust her she's tired of living in flux and just wants to get on with her life.

She is telling you that she has accepted the consequences of her actions. Yes, she may be trying to control you, but I don't think so. It sounds as if she has reached the end of her rope and is in pain. I believe her words here, and I also believe that she honestly wants to come back. (This is based on what you have written. Only you can tell the truth through her voice tonality over the phone)

Sounds like she's ready to move on one way or the other.

No, it sounds like a desperate woman trying whatever she can to pick up the pieces of the life she destroyed.

She opened up to you with the truth of how many she's been with and the last time it happened. She didn't have to do that -- and IMHO if she wasn't serious about reconciling she wouldn't have.

You owe it to yourself to take a time-out and evaluate yourself.
(The only thing in her confession that has changed is that the number of partners has increased to six... and, please, I'm NOT downplaying that.)

You need to come down with an honest answer to:

- Can you forgive her?
- Can you see yourself living a life with her (once she makes the changes required)

If your answer is "yes" to those two questions, then be prepared for the long haul. Tell her you are willing to reconcile. Maintain the dating -- and put in the boundary -- EXCLUSIVE dating. You will need to communicate with her that healing from both sides will take time and not to expect to move back home immediately. You can tell her that you appreciate her honesty and can see that she has taken the right steps towards coming home. She still has a few more things to complete, but you're open to it.

All of the above are DIFFICULT decisions to make and this is why I advocate you take the time to do the soul-searching. As for me, I will respect your decision whichever way you choose to proceed.

Just my 2c.

[Onthemountaintop]

Sounds like she's ready to move on one way or the other.

Which way do you want to go?

[AFWAW]

I hope you realize that it was a slap in the face for her.

I know, but it's how I feel.

Take the time to WRITE out everything you want and don't want. Put it down on paper because it helps you reach a rational decision. This is a CRITICAL turning point right here.

I have been writing everything down. The hard part is the pro list isn't as long as the con list. I know it's a critical point. I still don't know what to do though.

Originally Posted By: AFWAW
She said, I don't think you're going to be able to get past the hurt I've caused

Both of you don't know the real answer to this question at this point in time. She is mind-reading and you're in an emotional state. You could tell her, "W, you have no idea of what I am and am not capable of dealing with. Please do not try to read my mind because you have no idea of what is going on inside it. I need some time and space so that I can give you an HONEST answer."

I guess that's fair.

She is telling you that she has accepted the consequences of her actions. Yes, she may be trying to control you, but I don't think so. It sounds as if she has reached the end of her rope and is in pain. I believe her words here, and I also believe that she honestly wants to come back. (This is based on what you have written. Only you can tell the truth through her voice tonality over the phone)

I don't think she's trying to control me either at this point. I think she just wants a decision. She may be in pain but she caused it and no that doesn't make me feel better. I believe honestly that she wants to come back as well.

No, it sounds like a desperate woman trying whatever she can to pick up the pieces of the life she destroyed.

Maybe, she does sound lonely but why does she have to find comfort with other men--that's the part that kills me.

She opened up to you with the truth of how many she's been with and the last time it happened. She didn't have to do that -- and IMHO if she wasn't serious about reconciling she wouldn't have.

Maybe, I hope it's the truth this time. I just wish the truth didn't hurt so bad. I can't believe that after almost a year it still hurts. Not as bad as it did but every once in a while.

You owe it to yourself to take a time-out and evaluate yourself.
(The only thing in her confession that has changed is that the number of partners has increased to six... and, please, I'm NOT downplaying that.)

I know I do, but it's still hard.

You need to come down with an honest answer to:

- Can you forgive her?
- Can you see yourself living a life with her (once she makes the changes required)

I don't know if I can forgive her. The old me would have done so very quickly but the new me is very cautious. I still love her but that's an awful lot to get past. Same on the second question, I don't know. She's done a lot of damage and not just emotionally with me. Her actions have affected my whole family. Then if I look at it from a logistical standpoint, she hasn't done herself any favors financially and I'm sure I would have to help with that as well if she were to come home.

Maintain the dating -- and put in the boundary -- EXCLUSIVE dating. You will need to communicate with her that healing from both sides will take time and not to expect to move back home immediately. You can tell her that you appreciate her honesty and can see that she has taken the right steps towards coming home. She still has a few more things to complete, but you're open to it.

We went out to brunch today and then she came over and watched a movie with my daughter and I. It was nice to have her over and it felt comfortable. I do see your point about her being honest(I really hope this is the case this time)

All of the above are DIFFICULT decisions to make and this is why I advocate you take the time to do the soul-searching. As for me, I will respect your decision whichever way you choose to proceed.

You're right, it is difficult now that it is my decision. I almost wish it wasn't. If I end this, I know it will be difficult for a while emotionally. If I attempt to reconcile it will also be difficult. I'm sure I'll think about her with those other men at times and any attempts at controlling me would probably upset me.

The thing is I still don't know if I want to make it work or not--the logic in me says run, run far away and find someone else who hasn't betrayed me and been so cruel about it but the emotional side of me says I should give it a shot or I'll regret it. I guess I need a good nights sleep.

Thank you for responding Gnosis. You've helped me to calm down some and I'm asking myself those questions I need to ask myself again.

[Onthemountaintop]

I did the list thing. I couldn't manage to make the list equal either. My MC reminded me that after M things settle down below the beginning 'infactuation' and newness phase. Seemed to make a lot of sense.

One HUGE mistake I made was sharing the list with my W. She asked to see it, but still, I should've said 'over my dead body'!

The good thing about sharing the ideas from the list is that some topics I didn't want to say got said. This gave her a chance to at least know what I felt I was missing. Only one aspect changed a lot (sex), but I think that if we stay M (sadly, if), then we know what to work on. Gnosis called it a 'laundry list' on one of his posts referring to things he wanted to change about himself.

Another word of caution on your list making...I read somewhere to score each item from 1-9. I did this with the good and the bad, then I had to make it one list, not two. I also went back to the list many times when my sitch changed for the better. I also realized that I had to have a score of 18 for anything that was so incredibly good (staying with my kids, for example), and -18 for something I was absoulutely unwilling to accept.

Whether you number them or not - be honest and avoid getting the grass is greener outlook.

Good luck AFWAW!

[AFWAW]

Quick update. I had dinner with the wife last night at her apartment. I did not tell my daughter about it. She was at home working on schoolwork. We had a pleasant time. The wife of course says still that she wants to come home but it is my decision. I told her that I needed some time to digest everything and that until I did we needed to be exclusive and that any setback would signal to me that she was not serious. She said she understood and gave her word that this would not happpen. We watched a little tv and she made a comment about how I had to take her back as no one else "got" her. Then she started on about giving her bedroom furniture to our daughter. I just listened and looked at her and she must have seen my expression because, she then said, I guess it's too soon to talk about that.

Fast forward to today. We had lunch, leftovers from last night and she starts talking about volunteering for an overseas remote to the desert for a year. That and a couple of other things make me wonder if she's really ready to commit back to us. She made the comment that if I had to think about us this hard then I obviously don't want us. Ok, I didn't say anything. Later after I left, I thought maybe she's right but then again her magnitude of infidelity and cruelty in the past has made me a little gun shy about us so I don't think it's something I shouldn't think about hard.

All in all it was pleasant but it is difficult not to focus on what she told me and the wonder if she's really going to be committed to us and rebuilding this relationship.

I think I'll continue to interact with her to see if I enjoy her company still and if I can truly get past what's she done. I think that's the only way for me to tell.

[Onthemountaintop]

Fast forward to today. We had lunch, leftovers from last night and she starts talking about volunteering for an overseas remote to the desert for a year. That and a couple of other things make me wonder if she's really ready to commit back to us. She made the comment that if I had to think about us this hard then I obviously don't want us. Ok, I didn't say anything. Later after I left, I thought maybe she's right but then again her magnitude of infidelity and cruelty in the past has made me a little gun shy about us so I don't think it's something I shouldn't think about hard.

I can get that. My W also did some weird stuff. I'm 'trying things out' with her now, trying to see if I can and want to make things work. It is much easier to say that you had no choice than to say that you chose to leave. She's done a lot from what you've said, so don't beat yourself up over it, but I think it is honourable that you're trying~

[AFWAW]

I am trying, thanks for noticing. Had a phone call w/ her on the way home. She said it feels weird, almost uncomfortable when she's around me. She said she loves me but it feels like we've both gotten over each other. I said, you know, you've given me a lot of information that I have to digest and really think about, understand that it will take some time for us to feel comfortable around each other. We have to work at it though. It won't just happen. She jabbered on a little bit and the basic jist of it feels like she wants to be in love but she doesn't want to have to work at it. She loves but isn't in love with me. Sound familiar? I've read where it can take 1-2 years to rebuild a marriage after an affair.

What questions can I ask her or comments can I make to see if she really wants this?

It seemed like she wanted this last night but today, eh, who knows. Hot and cold again.

[Onthemountaintop]

She loves but isn't in love with me. Sound familiar? I've read where it can take 1-2 years to rebuild a marriage after an affair.

What questions can I ask her or comments can I make to see if she really wants this?

I've felt that, and heard the love comment, so I guess I've had it from both sides. One book I read reminds that the comment is more about feeling connected than it is love; is that a fair comment for you?

I am like a rare few on these boards; I think an affair is an ender for me. Emotional, I could get by. Physical, no way. 1 year or 100, we'd be done. I admire your loyalty and efforts to make your marriage work.

I wish I could tell you what to ask - I don't know myself! I do know that actions speak when voices can not, so we always need to consider how others interpret those... I wouldn't worry about if she says she wants to work at it - look to see if she does.

[AFWAW]

So, the wife did not call me last night but she did email me this morning at work. I hate to rush you but I’ve found a townhouse in the your neighbor to rent. I want to be closer to daughter. What have you decided? Anything yet? Once I sign a lease I am stuck.

Pressure, pressure, pressure! Ack!!!! It was just yesterday that she said she loved me but was not in love with me. So, does she just want to come home for my daughter?

[Gnosis]

... Sounds like...
... Looks like...
... Feels like...
... Tastes like...
... Stinks like...
... CONTROL

I'll say one thing for her AFWAW... she doesn't give up, does she? Just wish she'd use the tenacity for something constructive.