Michelle, I would not call this a marriage and do not think it really has been one in a long time.
I am just looking as his long history of lying and not stepping up. The best evidence of future behavior is past behavior. And why yes, everyone can change... he seems reluctant to do so. Almost a refusal on his end.
Am I against K reconciling- NO, I hope it works. But K can only do so much or accept so much. I mean the man has to do his work too. That's were the problem lies.
K is free to do as she pleases... I am just offering up my point of view. I feel she has moved mountains for him and he can't even do the simplest tasks to show he wants part of the marriage.
Refusing to have sex, refusing to share passwords, refusing to spend quality time together would be deal breakers for me. I mean I think everyone should give it a good try but eventually there has to be change or a D.
Just my 2 cents
I just get indignant when I read her posts- like "how dare he do this to her" she so deserves better. I have thought this for ages
I am advocating for K's happiness
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hey K, so...H is not a "bad" man. You are on your way to piecing because a few months ago, I believe you compared him to gum on your shoes...or something like that..... For the record, I agree with June about future behaviour...but sometimes we are not paying attention and think they will change. I know you are payng attention now AND I hope he can start to change soon.
Lol. Yeah, rescuing would be making the appointment for him, nagging him to go, etc. He wanted you there at the last one, have you asked him if he would like you to take the day off and go with him to this one?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I dont know why exactly I am picturing such a dark side of what is happening but maybe my posts reflect my true take on things...
I just confirmed with H he wants to go to the MC again and I called to make an apt. She told me the following on the phone : Maria, you need to do separate IC, both of you. You were both cordial, polite and caring at our session but I want you to make me a favor: stop RESCUING him. I dont know where this patterns comes from, probably his family as he said himself, but your H hasnt grown up yet. He needs you for his security blanket, the OW was probably just like you and was doing what you were doing for years:rescuing him. He finally needs to man up. He just cant let things evolve in his absence anymore. His work allows him just that, to be absent.
So, stop scheduling our apts, stop giving him solutions when you are here at the session and focus on you. Unless he grows up, your R can not blossom, develop, overcome the crisis.
I told her,I am tired of rescuing him.She said he was probably covering my controlling needs and now that I dont want to control him anymore (not as much) there is a gap bewteen us that he needs to fill.
I think this is it. I've been saying it for years, she said it after a session. I will stop rescuing him and take initiatives while I will progress with my life. I will also adress these issues at the session on Friday.
As Schnarch says, during crisis, couples, make steps forward/progress or if the deny to...,stay unhappy and eventually have a fall out. K
To me it seems that this C of your's is s tremendous evaluator of things, very insightful. Think he/she hit the nail on the head with regards to H and how you need to stop the rescuing.
This only furthers my commnet on her/him (the C) being a true blessing. I expect that he/she will be a catalyst for growth from both of you. This I will pray for.
Those are such hard stories. Alcoholism definitely has widespread consequences. Those are definitely cases of abuse where everyone including MWD would agree that the abuser needed serious help and the others needed to get away.
The way I view it though, Kalni's H is most definitely guilty of emotional neglect. But I do not see that as abuse (I would if he were consciously and intentionally doing it to get his way). So, I am curious why a few people seem to see the M as detrimental and are so adamant that he will never change.
Sorry for the hijack. (((Kalni)))
He has already showed certain areas of change and they appear to be sticking. He is at a definite crossroads now but he is only there because he made some changes to get there.
I agree with much of what has been said. I think if Kalni's C can get her H to 'man up' and joing Kalni at working at their m there is huge hope for this working.
It's just it does take TWO to make a M work at the end of the day.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
(((Kalni)))