Trying to move on

[mishka422]

Your W never had a good example of a happy M and saw the constant misery between her parents. She started to feel unfulfilled and,consequently, unhappy. So she decided she wasn't going to live like her parents did and....BOMBS AWAY.

I know, I'm mind reading, but it's a fairly good job of it considering her background.

You had the early trauma of your parent's D, which led to strained R's for you and your sister with them. It all makes sense with the FOO issues, it doesn't mean that those things are the cause of what is happening. You know that you both contributed to this, but how you handle it now is what counts. IMO, you are handling this quite well with your girls.

Show them how a man respects women, gives with his heart while still maintaining his masculinity, and loves with abandon. All of that will help your girls deal with their new lives.

Again, you have no control over how your W decides to paint her picture of you and your M to the girls, but you can counteract that by speaking truth in a manner that is not threatening to their opinion of their mother. They love you both and the respect they feel for both of you must be maintained.

Trust me, I've said some pretty hurtful things about Gabe within Marc's hearing and regretted it immediately. I have also turned directly to Marc and told him that I am sorry for saying what I did and that is just my hurt speaking. There are also times I have had to sit him down and talk to him about the truth because of a distorted picture his dad has painted of current situations. He doesn't try rewriting history with Marc because Marc saw the true R until he was 13. He's not stupid. Your girls are younger and more impressionable. Their history can be changed through words. Keep yours honest and open and you will be golden!

[C-Bart]

Mishika,

Great post.

Thought you were referencing Mrs. Bart.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Mishka. Had the girls over to a friend's house. He has four daughters so they played while we watched football. Within 10 minutes, D7 was downstairs with one of them asking "You and mommy are getting divorced, right?"

I told her we shouldn't talk about it today. She said, "we're talking about it upstairs."

Later, my friend and I were talking a little about the situation -- although 99 percent of the time was spent talking about football and work -- and I was filling him in on the fact that W said we were getting divorced so I could find someone more suited for me. She was painting the situation as her doing it for me.

D10 and another of the girls were eavesdropping. I don't think I said anything mean.

My plan is to tell the girls I'll always love their mom, although that may get tricky if I find someone else in the future. But I truly feel that way. My problem is that I'm also going to battle sadness, anger and bitterness.

And this is if this there is no OM. If I'm wrong about that, well I'll have a lot more issues to work through. I'm still feeling this is a MLC/depression issue.

Back to the day. D7 had her issues. Three separate times she wanted to go home. By the end of the day though, she was begging to come back for the Super Bowl.

[goldeylox]

Clinging, pardon me for stepping in here...I've not read your whole sitch.
If your wife did not have good examples of healthy M growing up, she had a choice about learning a better way.
If you needed to grow, you took steps, like joining this community.
Taking care of yourself is the best way to raise healthy kids.
Trust me. I did it the other way, and it didn't work.
Nothing I could do would save my M, but I did save myself in the process of meeting the DB'ers.

[ClingingToHope]

Taking care of yourself is the best way to raise healthy kids.
Trust me. I did it the other way, and it didn't work.

Could you explain that. What do you mean, did it the other way?

[awest1217]

CTH - you really are doing what you feel is best right now. You are doing a great job. I would encourage you to maybe find a new counselor that may also specialize in divorce and families so that way you can maybe ask the counselor about what you can continue to do with the girls. Overall things, although not the best situation, are seeming to stay in your favor so just keep it up and continue doing what is best.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I can't help but thinking ahead on some things. Years from now, when both daughters get married, I'm going to beg them, plead with them, to open up when they hit rocky stretches in the M.

A big thing with both W and I is that we didn't turn to anyone. Not each other or family members -- W told me once she didn't tell her mom anything that was going on between us.

We each tried to handle it on our own and began making assumptions and burying hurts until it was too late.

[ClingingToHope]

I was having a good day and then D7 had to call W about something. She asked to speak to me. She wanted to let me know she'd been approved for a mortgage to buy the house from me.

Oh joy.

I know this is good for me and for the girls long term since I'll end up getting a lower bi-weekly payment.

But I've put 12 years into this house. I built the bridge across the creek. I built the flower garden. When we had a flood and my beloved W was at the campground, I spent 11 hours cutting and hauling flood soaked carpet through the mud up a hill to the curb.

I scraped 20 year old carpet off D7's floor for new carpet and out of the main hallway so we could put in hard wood floors.

Plus there's the memory of being with W in six rooms of the house.

Even in W's cold-blooded heart she has to have memories galore of me. At least I know the girls do.

But I keep telling myself "For this life Lord, I am grateful."

[mishka422]

That's right, be grateful for the memories, grieve the loss, and step forward in faith that God has a plan. You can't see it now, but He will lead you toward it.

Blessings to you.

[ClingingToHope]

Three calls from W this morning. D10 is sick. W told me she has a bunch of things she has to get done this morning before she can come home and stay with D10.

She hesitated and I didn't say anything. When we were together and at the start of the separation, I would have jumped in and volunteered to stay home. I can work from home.

But I don't volunteer anything anymore. Always being the hero got me nowhere. She has to ask.

She didn't ask. She called back to say D10 is going to stay home for a couple of hours until she can get her work done.

Then she called back -- again -- to ask if I'd seen some doctor's notes. She remembers one having a note scribbled on the back from me and she wanted to know if I had the other one.

I said no. I don't know anything about it. She then told me NEVER to touch the things in that basket. They are receipts and doctors notes and very important.

I stayed quiet. I could have said I'm never at the house anymore long enough to touch anything, but I let it be. W gets so stressed when something threatens her precious job schedule.

She then hung up. It's going to be an interesting day. Tonight's my night to have the girls so I'm going to get at least a couple more of these entertaining phone calls.