You can all say what you want about paying attention to V day as not meaning anything to her. But I guarantee you, if you do nothing, she will really hate you! Now, maybe that is what you want, if so, so be it. But if it's not what you want, I say, buy a da*m box of candy or a dozen roses at the supermarket. It's not that much skin off your nose. Especially if the kids are watching (which they are). You can say that it is for all your sweethearts, and just refer to the whole family.
You can all say what you want about paying attention to V day as not meaning anything to her. But I guarantee you, if you do nothing, she will really hate you! Now, maybe that is what you want, if so, so be it. But if it's not what you want, I say, buy a da*m box of candy or a dozen roses at the supermarket. It's not that much skin off your nose. Especially if the kids are watching (which they are). You can say that it is for all your sweethearts, and just refer to the whole family.
My W won't hate me for not getting a gift on V-day, I think she would realize why. However...you hit on an excellent point: my kids ARE watching and have no idea their parents are on the brink of a divorce, so that is a major concern of mine.
Especially if the kids are watching (which they are). You can say that it is for all your sweethearts, and just refer to the whole family.
that is exactly what i was thinking of doing - because i don't want my kids thinking i don't care.
just throwing part of my sit out there and seeing what you all may think - in the past we NEVER celebrated Valantines day, would it be a 180 if i actually took her out to dinner or somthign like that - or just pursuing?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Having the same issues - what to do ? But we have one more thing to add for Valentines Day Weekend..my D is turning 14 that weekend! So YES the kids will be watching.
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
For me I got married on the 13 of Feb last year and have not even really thought about the anniversary or v-day.
I will have my d2 be my valentine and get her a sweet stuffed animal and some candies, yes bad but more of a day to spread love of all kind not just for h/w and lovers.
i think we set ourselves up for failure by looking at that day as the be all of romance/dates/gifts. i always believed it should be all the time.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
It's killing me. I feel like I am close to a breakthrough to her. We are "dating" and if I don't take her out on Valentine's day the date night of the yr then I am screwed. But like I said, I only feel like I am close to a breakthrough, the reality is thee is most likely no love yet and thus, sharing valentine's day with her is a sham.
What to do on VD day depends on what stage you are in. If you are in full blown WAS mode with little to no contact then any gift is pursuing. I like the ideas of doing something with your kids, helping someone else or GAL for you.
The first stage of reconciliation is getting rid of negative feelings. So unless you are having consistent positive interactions then stick with the advice above.
Second stage is becoming friends again. Here I would do something that shows you understand who your spouse is - 5LLs, music they would enjoy, a book, fix something around the house, etc. A gift that shows you have more than a business connection with them. A gift that shows a emotional connection but not romantic. Show them you understand them and that they matter to you.
Third stage is re-igniting the romance. If you are in Newcomers then you aren't here.
For the curious the fourth stage is re-commiting. The is when you both have the marriage you honestly wanted.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I like what BillM wrote. One of our couple's friend has a V-Day party for couples($40/couple) with steak,crab, etc. has been doing it the last couple years. I helped with the crab last year. Anyway he was talking about it at the bar last week when several of us were out. I started joking about brining a date, etc, then said not to set a place for me. We all had a laugh. He said, it was my turn to go to the party since she went to the NYE party. Just weird, the whole social divorce thing.
The first stage of reconciliation is getting rid of negative feelings. So unless you are having consistent positive interactions then stick with the advice above.
not hijacking - but coach you got any advise/reading on the reconciliation process?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
You can all say what you want about paying attention to V day as not meaning anything to her. But I guarantee you, if you do nothing, she will really hate you!
I think it really depends on the couple -- V-day is a big deal to some couples, not to others. For the guys, if it feels right to do something for your Ws that day, maybe change it up? No cards/gifts/flowers but maybe something experiential, like "I know there's been a lot of stress lately so I've set up a spa treatment/massage/?? for you on V-day and I'll look after the kids. If that doesn't appeal to you then I can just cancel, no biggie". That's something that's for her, not explicitly romantic. Just brainstorming here...
Originally Posted By: Lotus
Especially if the kids are watching (which they are). You can say that it is for all your sweethearts, and just refer to the whole family.
That's a good point. I think a good way to deal with that is to help the children to make their own valentine cards/gifts/food treats for the WAS. That way you are showing your care for the WAS indirectly and you are helping the children to mark the occasion. It's loving without being pursuing IMO.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
