New Road for 2010

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Lan... wow, good for you for stating in no uncertain terms that her behavoiur is unnacceptable.

In 2002, I had a work 'friend' for 2 1/2 years, which I insisted was nothing, just friends, we just talked about his work, his fiance (she had pyschosis).. etc etc. I defended it, he was my 'mentor' when I was a trainee programmer, so I would insist we needed to spend lots of time emailing/lunching. But I had secret convo's with him, endless email chats (I saved them all).. I swore blind he was just a friend and indeed, we werent having any kind of physical contact (apart from the final 2 weeks!). I saw my friendship with him as 'mine', my RIGHT and work based...and was NOT open with my bf about my true feelings.

So basically I was lying. To my BF, even to my own BFF, to myself... I also 'lost' my sexdrive during this time and blamed it on repeated viruses I kept getting. Looking back, I was secretly caught in some grip of fascination with OM and had therefore transferred my limerance to him, making me unable to really engage in ML with full body, mind and spirit... whilst deep down knowing this OM to be an arrogant toss bag who wouldnt be a person worthy of spending my life with!

It took me more than the 2 1/2 years to see this and possibly longer even, after we were no longer in contact (and I was fully pieced with my bf then, who forgave me and hung in there as you have done). I can understand your W not wanting to lose you.. I too was terrified my bf would leave me and insisted we needed to just spend more time together (whilst daily emailing OM!!!). I was cognitive of that at least.. I KNEW I was lying because I thought if I was in any way honest at all.. bf would leave me, as you have threatened to. I was eventually honest with him and he moved out. But, when my bf threatened to give up and move away to another city and start over (and he seemed pretty uncharacteristically done at that point)..it was the wakeup call I needed, I panicked and asked him to move back in with me.. it took time to mend, but that was the turning point.

I think we KNOW this OP is not good for us and not our destiny. I saw it, looking back, as some unconcious battle with commitment, a rite of passage... that I was fighting this great man that arrived in my life and 'settling down' although even know I cant honestly say that was the reason behind it, it feels more nebulous.. but I no longer battled with the idea of committing to him for life once I had 'seen the light'.

It sounds awful recounting it above, because I am not the kind of person you would imagine could behave that way above and yet I did. I dont know if this story helps or hinders. Maddening as her behaviour is, I always feel people act this way because they DO love you and dont want to lose you, as perverse as that seems.

Maybe I wisened up in time to not lose my bf, but I wouldnt have blamed him if he had given up and left me and I would only have had myself to blame for that.

On the other issue... I guess you have tried to talk to her about pyscho sexual counselling? Because her being non-orgasmic sounds absolutely to be a mental issue, that she feels certain things (or even herself, or her own body) are disgusting and unnacceptable. Being unable to explore oneself is like a rejection of self, right, which is perhaps a negative message she learnt as a child/teen.