After one major bust up and a week or so of not talking W and I finally had that talk and I think we made some significant progress. As Kerry K mentioned in his previous post to me there seems to be two underlying issues in our M, the first is W secret IM, txt friend and second is the lack of intimacy in our M.
When we had our talk W tried to focus on the big argument we had and the specific details which led to us not talking, but I had to take her back to the fact that any problems we have now can be traced back to both of the issues I have just mentioned. W tried to justify her friendship as “its just someone from work” and “there’s nothing going on we just talk about work things” but I countered with ”If you need to talk about work why does it need to be done by txt at 7am Sunday morning, and why does it need to be kept secret”. The more W tried to explain it away the more I countered with points which showed her to be in the wrong, I pointed out to her that she was making more of an effort now to justify this friendship than she does to justify our M, I also asked her to point out how this friendship could possibly be benefitting our M, all of these points lead to some very long pauses in our conversation where W was doing some deep thinking. So on the txt’ing and IM I’ve left her with the thought that if that’s what she wants then go ahead, cos I’ll be gone. 2010 is going to be a different year for me where I do things to make me happy.
We did touch on intimacy in this first chat but W was less than forthcoming, I did asked her directly if she still found me attractive and if she still had sexual desires, because I could walk past her stark naked with a big boner and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Thankfully the answer was yes on the first point, but on the second she said she didn’t want to discuss it at this point as she didn’t feel comfortable or able to express herself.
Last night we talked again and W did open up a bit on what the sexual problem was. Unfortunately W is one of the small percentage of women who never experiences an “O” during penetrative sex, in fact W has never experienced the “Oh, oh, oh my god !!” feeling nor has she faked it. We both new about this when we first got together but W used to laugh off as not a problem, but now the sexual experience is leaving her, empty, angry, frustrated and feeling like a failure. I did ask her at what percentage along the way she feels she gets towards an O, to which she said about 80%, but as she has never experienced one that 80% could really be 30%.
Before the advice comes flooding in let me explain that W has a very prudish attitude towards sex (which is why her A shocked me in the first place) she has never explored herself and doesn’t agree with female masturbation, she is not into being probed with plastic objects or handling anything that buzzes or looks like a rabbit. She is very much a straight laced up and down missionary person, and if that doesn’t work then there must be somthing wrong (with her or me).
So that’s where we are now, back to going to bed at the same time, taking thinks slow and trying to come up with a solution that will work for both of us, the main thing is we are talking about something she has found difficult to share with me in all the time we’ve been together.
