Sorry so long and everyone 2x4’s welcome. I did expose A to H tonight. I told him what I knew, and of course, he tried to deny it at first. However, eventually he admitted it in not so many words. I won’t try to write out everything that was said, but I will give a brief summary: Me: I told H that I seen it with my own eyes last night H: he got mad and started telling me “f…k you”. He said that he had told me he was done, and so he didn’t consider it cheating. Me: I stayed very calm and just told him these were his choices, not mine. I told him that I wasn’t the only one that knew about it or seen it (I didn’t tell him who else knew). I also said that OW’s H had a right to know as well. H: He informed me that she hadn’t told her H, but that she was planning to leave him. He also then told me he was done, and was getting a lawyer Me: I told him to do whatever he felt he needed to. Then I said I was done talking and walked away
That is a brief summary. However, I did stay very calm and yes, he did try to turn it around on me and start a fight. I will be letting the OW’s H know as soon as I can, however, whatever he decides to do with that info is up to him. I will not be using this against my H in any legal proceedings.
Not sure if DB’ing will work after this now. I will continue to do my 180’s, LRT, and GAL. Now I know these are for me and not him. That obsessed, crazy, despair feeling has left me since I confirmed the affair, and more weight has been lifted off my shoulders with me exposing it. I do believe at this point that the M is over, with what he said to me tonight. However, I do know that he was angry and I’m not sure if he meant everything he said. Nevertheless, honestly, his words no longer hurt me as they did before. He would make me feel so guilty and that all of this was my fault. I will be speaking to L tomorrow for legal advice.
I want to thank everyone for all the good advice today.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
What is coming out of his mouth right now is from addiction, its not him talking.
You need to stop listening to what he's saying, its just a bunch of junk that's not worth analysing.
He's sounds like he's right in the heat of the addiction now. The last thing you want to do is push for a divorce.
Michele Davis reccomends waiting it out until reality of the affair sinks in... reality puts affairs to a painful death.
He's been in fantasy land until tonight when you told him. This was the first time his affair has seen the light of day and the addiction as expected got aggressive with you.
The more the affair is exposed to reality the less power it has and the quicker it ends.
Affair's don't last. Phil McGraw says according to his statistics affair couples have a LONG term success rate of less than 1%.
If you fight the affair long enough, you WILL win. You just need to be strong and decide if that's what you really want.
Do NOT take anything he says right now serioulsy. He is like an alcoholic right now and you tried to take his bottle away from him and he snapped at you. It will happen again until the affair takes more damage... Your confronting him did a LOT of damage and was a good thing.
Feed this affair as much reality as you can. He needs to know he won't have his kids available 24 x 7 anymore, he will heave to deal with finances and household maintenance, you won't care for him any longer, etc... all of this he is so used to right now he doens't realise it could go away.
Throw as much reality as you can at the two of them... It will slowly kill the addiction and your H will come back again.
That is when its best to decide if you want him or not... Don't judge him too harshly in the midst of an affair. He's addicted and he has little control over himself right now.
He will have to own this. He's not a victim, he invited the affair and he will be paying for it eventually one way or another.
But try to understand for both your sakes and for your kids that he's got an addiction right now and he's not in his right mind.
I think it was handled very well! You can look up a person on here goes by Puppy Dog Tails. If I remember correctly he exposed his wife's affair and had great success! By success I mean he handled himself well! I recommend exchanging with him. But I agree the exposure of the affair is not the end of the marriage! The marriage ends when you say you are done, and not him!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I agree although it may feel like there isn't hope there is. He is still hung up in the affair. I agree once it fizzles because more than likely it will, he can get back to reality of things. Because in my opinion, there isn't anything 'real' about affairs. Once that dies his thinking won't be so clouded. Of course you need to do what you feel is best for yourself but I would give this some time to cool down. I have been in this position. It's tough. I would recommed reading "Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass I believe. WONDERFUL book, helped me a ton! Amazon should have it cheap if interested.
I would still like my marriage to work out somehow, but I honestly can’t see him ever coming back. If that is what he decides, I’m ok with that too. I know that he is angry and scared, and that a lot of what he says is empty threats. I’m going to really start DB’ing, but mainly for me not him. Him having an A is not a deal breaker for me.
I’m still not sure how I should let the OWH now, I agree 100% that he deserves to know. In addition, should I be telling family and friends? I need advice on how to deal with my H when I do have to see or talk to him. Now that the affair is exposed, do I change any of my DB’ing techniques?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Cutterbug, Thank you for the advice. I don't want to go around telling everyone (family and friends) to hurt him. I have informed a few close friends already.
I'm thinking for me, not telling everyone is huge 180 on my part. When I first suspected OW, I told everyone, which pushed my H right out the door. So I think it would suprise him that I'm NOT telling everyone. And I think he'll worry that I'm going to, which will make him finally start owning his guilt.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
