DBS - wish I had answers. But have a little more insight into my own sitch today.
Well guys, we went to therapy today. Talked about where we are on all this. W said she's not 100% certain, but at this point staying married would be a business transaction.
About the sex - what W said in therapy is that she did that because, after I'd diverted direct deposit to my own account, she wanted to assure that I'd still pay the bills.
C asked what I thought about that. I told her I was mortified.
I mean, holy s#!t - what have we come to when that's the case. She was pretty upset when she was saying this.
Anyway, we talked about how things seem to escalate - we say we're going to mediate, then W gets a lawyer - we say we're going to negotiate, then W gets court dates - and it seems that this is all mostly because the lawyers aren't really working towards our best interests.
Other things that were said - W is so overwhelmed by fears of finances, that she can't think straight about the R. C said, W needs some time away alone. I suppose she'd going to go this weekend. She actually said that she was trying to NOT go away so I wouldn't suspect her of being with OM.
So, the course of action now is, we go to a mediator (I'd already called to one, and will call to make an appointment tomorrow), we both get rid of our lawyers. We get the financial stuff established, get the custody schedule figured out, get all this done - maybe live with that for awhile, but keep the option of not signing the final papers. Who knows.
C asked what we wanted. I told her, I don't know about divorce or reconciliation - I just want the hurt to stop for both of us. Stand down. I said I don't want a relationship that's a business transaction, I would want a real marriage. Regarding reconciliation, 3 weeks ago I would have said no way, but if there's any hope it's worth exploring.
Anyway, we're nowhere near exploring that right now. So, establish boundaries, establish finances, establish schedule with the kids, then see where we are.
We exchanged the following emails afterward:
Me:
I'm sorry. I didn't understand your perspective. What you described feeling is horrible. That's not the kind of relationship I want with you, in any event. That's not the person I want to be, and that's not the situation I want to put you in. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm glad you said what you did.
It's easy to be mad, or to feel like we're adversaries. It's easy for this whole process to make me focus on what I'm feeling, or to say or do things that are hurtful. The truth is, I'm appalled at where we are.
You've been my partner in every regard for over a decade. I respect you. I feel a need to honor that. I don't want to contribute to the despair you feel. I don't want to cheapen our history by what's happening now.
I need to go - I wish I had better words. ------------------------------- W:
Those are great words actually and I really appreciate you saying them. Honoring the wonderful history we have together is what I strive for as well.
It helped so much today just to be able to get some of that off my chest. Talking to this gal today caused me to feel like a big weight has been lifted and has given me hope for the future. I really like the idea of being able to move forward with the separation, but not feeling the pressure of having to rush the signing of the divorce.
I like our new plan of going to a mediator. I have truly always felt that we actually are very close to agreement and that both of us want to be reasonable based on what is deemed fair by those in the know.
Thanks for setting up the meeting today.
Talk to you soon. ----------------------------
Anyway, I was over there tonight to be with the boys. When W came home, we did talk. It was better. We're going to keep going to therapy. We have another appointment next Monday. We have an appointment with a family therapist on Friday, to talk about the boys. We're going to set up a mediation appointment. I don't know what direction we're moving in. Well, the C said it well: we're moving toward divorce, but both have reservations.
In other news, W now wants me to keep the house, because she can't afford it, and it's the boys' home. I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford it after the settlement either, but I guess I'm willing to look at it. C said our schedule should be as close to 50/50 as possible, so we discussed a scenario where they live with me at the house, W has them after school and alternate weekends. I don't know what's workable at this point.
Ahh, I've got to go to sleep. I guess I feel better, some of the walls between us are down. Hopefully the wild swings will dissipate now.
