Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

If you are living in the same house and there is no looming threat of D, work on being the kind of person who want to be, and that your spouse wants to be with.

Thanks Trent. We are living in the same house, no one has gone to a lawyer, W has talked about D and is certainly leaning that direction, but she has not acted. Has not made up her mind.

For the others - I bought the 5LL book - found it at a quick stop at a close store.
I'm still debating right approach on hotel for this weekend. Will see how things go tonight. Option A is to book the hotel and sell with low threat approach and Option B is to ask if she would be willing using a low threat approach.
Even if NOTHING happens, which is my expectation, just getting away I think would do us both a world of good. But she is so resistant because she feels nothing and doesn't want to send me a wrong signal (these are 2 things she has told me...of course I can't necessarily believe them).

Going to watch for what works tonight. Last night I tried something a bit on the flirting side and a little fun and poked her playfully in the shoulder over it and got a positive reaction. Then I almost immediately stopped and got things back to normal...didn't push at all...that seemed to have worked very well. Got to take advantage of those types of opportunities.

[Dane]

Do what works. But you are right don't push too far.

[sandi2]

I guess I misunderstood b/c I thought she asked you if you were going to book a room but the way it reads now.....it does put a bit of a twist, doesn't it?

I suppose it may be too late when you get my reply tonight, but I think you should respond with, "If you feel up to getting out an socializing". Then you could add what I said about just using that time to unwound with no pressure, and see how she responds. I think her answer will weigh in her decision regarding her following you in a move (if you take the promotion).

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi, I will follow your script. Will do it here in a bit, not too late in our time zone.

[gutwrenching]

Tonight been different, not bad or good, just different. I'm not reading her very well tonight. I cannot figure out the mood.

First of all, W came home on time. Those of you that have been following me know that is a first in months. I got home 5 minutes before she did. I made sure to nicely tell her it was so nice to have her home early. I got an indifferent/whatever look which is exactly what i expected. We talked for a while about work, I made sure to listen intently and do little of the talking. She started dinner. Then she disappears to the bathroom and I'm left finishing dinner, getting the kids together etc. She tried to apologize and I just said I've got it all under control, don't worry.

Then the kids once again want to play their favorite rough house game with me after dinner and again I'm nice and tonight I decline and say we need to play something we all can do. No real reaction from W.

Kids in bed and she throws me for another loop. Says tonight she wants to work in the bedroom with the hopes it'll get us to bed earlier. Didn't see that one coming. Had it all in my mind about going out and then drawing her out of the basement. So now I type and debate going out. I had already told her I might, had put on jeans and everything. She asked me why I was going out for a drive and I said cause I want too. That got a quizzical look and then a whatever look. I then made sure not to seem angry/mad which I know I have to be careful of and think I was successful. Talked nicely to her a bit. She then implied that she'd like to be left alone in the room and I made some comment that drove home the point that I would minimize my trips in there, but I wasn't going to say I'm staying out of my own bedroom. She got the message and backpedalled a little. Now I actually plan on trying to stay out, cause if she backs up her words with actions, that would be a positive step that I don't want to discourage.

So I guess I am going to head out. I've now got a raging sweet tooth cause I've been thinking about ice cream for so long. Will either get ice cream or maybe something else and save the ice cream for another night.

After I get back, I'll send an e-mail using Sandi's words about the hotel room. I really think it would do us some good and I can do low pressure. I would just like to get away for an evening...change of scenery.

[Lost Rabbit]

Great advice as usual from Sandi!

Brilliant that she came home early thats a good baby step, youre obviously not too scary to spend too long with now lol. Will check back in later to see how your doing (())

[gutwrenching]

Well I followed Sandi's advice and right as we went to bed, hit send on the email. I know she has seen it by now, no response as of yet. If she doesn't bring it up, I will at some point this evening.

For the first time in I don't remember how long, W and I went to bed together at a "normal" time and laid in bed and watched TV for about 15 minutes...that used to be the routine. It almost felt like old times...but of course not as there is no feelings on her side.

This morning, she seemed to be in good spirits. Right as I was leaving she texts me because D8 is texting W about not feeling good. I go back in the house, take care of the situation, W is texting me blow by blow and I was trying hard to let her stay involved in this, was glad to see the concern and I know of the underlying jealousy issues with the kids. In the end, I took over and decided D8 was basically trying to scam us to stay home. After a while at work, I'm in W's building and stop by to fill her in on D and the tactics she was using on us. Odd, wall is up and she doesn't seem overly concerned. Wall was certainly up.

Lost - I didn't view the coming home on-time as a baby step, but maybe you are right. I didn't think of it like that. I don't know though, we are still good friends so I assumed (maybe wrongly) that spending more time at the house with me isn't an issue...but maybe it has been...so maybe it was a baby step.

I am fully anticipating a "no hotel" answer. I'll be shocked by anything else. I'm more interested to see how she brings it up and how she answers no.

[gutwrenching]

And I forgot to mention, there was no R talk last night, but there was little interaction at all between us. She wasn't friendly but wasn't unfriedly.

So taking the see what works approach, i need to adjust. If she goes to the bedroom instead of the basement again (which had positives for me in the form of more sleep and she had to deal with the kid that wouldn't go to sleep), I will try not leaving the house, maybe I create more mystery by staying in the house and staying busy and not checking in on her. I would have never guessed that, but maybe.

And when I came back to the house, I had sweets. Before I left, W suggested I bring back something with frosting. I did and TM her in bedroom that I had treats but no food in bedroom. She relied Yea!, came down after a bit, but really didn't seem to be a big hit. Again, wall was up yesterday and again this morning. Saw it when I told her how great it was to have her home to the treats to talking about the kids this morning.

Lost - I saved talking about the appreciation of being a single parent. I just didn't get the sense she was interested in listening to me last night, so I let her do most of the talking and will save that one and it'll have more impact if she comes home early again. There are a couple of people at work who I know can sense that we are having issues...one of them is riding her butt hard every day to let go of work and go home...I'm sure they think that is part of the problem...so she is suddenly getting outside pressure to spend more time at home. So maybe she will come home early today. She did tell me that her friend who knows of our issues was in her office checking on W and W told her to leave so she could go home. That to my knowledge is a first.

[sandi2]

I'm a little puzzled about something, GW. Why do you email and TM your W when the two of you are at home? Why don't you face her and say whatever it is to say?

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - I'm working us there. It is an odd dynamic that started around the time of the bomb. For a while, it was the only way she would communicate with me.

I have told her we need to stop communicating that way and we have made significant progress.

That being said, I did the e-mail on this one , maybe I shouldn't have...thought it would be less pressure knowing that is what she is feeling these days with our sitch - pressure.