Now that I have your attention-hopefully you can give me some pointers. I was in the newbie area, and it was suggested I bring it over here, so...let's get on with the novel. Get comfy, a warm glass of cocoa, and motor on. Before I give a brief (yeah right) review of my sicth, let me just say I am really not flippant about it, just a touch worn out. Off we go...
We are both deeply religious, don't smoke or drink and are committed to family-and I thought our marriage. 15 years ago my wife left with no warning, moving out everything in 1 day while I was at work and took our 6 kids with her. A PA followed immediately and she operated in the alien fog for 4 months. Everything but the actual deed was done. I came to find out several EA's happened before that and since. She filed for D, but after 4 months returned home and quit persuing the D. The only thing that shocked her out of the fog was a threat by cps to take the kids as she would leave them whenever to pursue her "love". The usual blame was put on me and our terrible M and one comment was how good it felt to never have to sleep with me again. She had an issue in the bedroom with OS that in her mind was "forced" although she initiated it alot because as she said-"I'm a pleaser" First thing done by her the day we get back together-OS. Right about this time I find out more details about her Dad sexually abusing her sister and "possibly" her when they were 10-14. She told, which resulted in a D and her mom dragging them through multiple marriages and states. Her sis and 2 bro's have followed the same pattern in life. She also let's me know that her oldest bro made her perform OS on him when she was young.
Fast forward 12 years. Wife is increasingly distant and combative. Counseling with church leaders end in her leaving counseling and "never meeting with him again". Youngest child leaves for college, we are now empty nesters. For 2 weeks life is much improved, including discussion of plans for fun and frolic in our freedom years. 2 days later while out of town, wife again packs up and leaves for another town 100 miles away. No word to me, kids, friends. I find out that this was planned for months. She files for D. again citing bedroom issues and feels I am hiding $, although all accts in both names and she takes $20,000 out of biz acct throwing a real curveball for payroll, and we piss another $20,000 down the drain with attorneys. After a month we date, she calls for "help me's" to which I gladly, but stupidly reply to in the middle of the night or whatever. In fact I misread one as something else and darn near got arrested for sexual assault. NC for 3 months, during which time I finally begin to recover from the 25lb weight loss and deep depression. 3 months later she calls off D, quits her job and we move into another house 7 miles from other house, because she will NOT move back there. During this time and since she has just blown off all former friends-nc.
We go on "honeymoon trip" during which sex is non-stop and I have to tell her stop the OS while I'm driving. I am now her BF (best friend) and it's all ok. 2 weeks later I am a dirty dog for "forcing her". We go to MC of her choice. After 2 IC sessions we do 3 JC sessions and every time she feels I and MC are picking on her. Refuses to go back. Begins to go cold, combative and distant again. After another year, we have a great 2 weeks, I'm out of town for work and come home to find-yep, gone again with no notice. This time I am PO'D! We have had our son living with us for 1 week at this point who had just been released from jail for incarceration of 7 months while having a mental physceout.
After a month, during which I see the up/down bizarre behavior, we talk during which time I tell her that if it's a D she wants I will try to support her although I would not choose that. I listen to her rants, not defending, and we end up having omg sex, cuz I'm now her BF. Over the next few months she is very warm, intimate on a regular basis, she is at house 5 days a week through holidays. After new years one day I return home again to find...what a surprise-her stuff is all gone again.
Now for the last month I have been DBing-GALing-and trying to detach and go gray (I am terrible at going dark). I have noticed that as I have done this, which is matching her actions which include much less contact, physical or verbal I am getting to a much better place in dealing with this. In fact, and this part scares me a little. I am rapidly approaching the anger/don't care point. It feels easier to NOT answer the phone when she calls, or to have her NOT show up for days on end. I was almost at the point to set some physical boundaries when she showed up and acted cold and aloof, so I mirrored it. We ended up in bed again after a convo where I was nice, kind and listened, and was the BFF.
Now I am as perplexed at the emotions I am feeling as I am at her lack of committment to me, our son or marriage. With some experience, I think I can say she is not having an A. In reading the list of an MLC person it's spot on for 99%, but is this round 3? My new IC believes it's a "borderline personality disorder", and like the 3 prior C believes I am in for one long ride on the yo-yo string-even IF my wife would start working on it. 12 years at this point of working on it has finally taken it's toll on me. I am ready to move on in life, with or without her. Quite literally ready to move and not even say anything to her about it. She seems perfectly content to stay in her rented 800 ft trailer with no room to move all her stuff enough to even walk in, and her job at walmart is her life. Dog is 2nd, kids 3rd, and me? Well I'm good for a conversation every now and then and a lay I guess, but not much else it seems.
I am fighting the feeling of even wanting to be with this "stranger" right now. I am finally at the point that a D looks better then this. It's not hurting knowing there are a few gals out there very interested in me.
Of course like all of you I've made my mistakes, but I am tired of hearing about them 10, 15, 30 years later. I've improved ALOT and am a pretty darn good catch!
I guess I need to hear what to specifically say to her when she justs shows up and acts like this is a normal R? I am not sure how much more patience I can show before I drop the bomb? So this is where you come in at the end of this novel-what should I be doing knowing that this behavior will be the norm until I make it different? I have come to believe that if we get back together it WILL just happen again.
