Allen A I more than welcome your viewpoint as I have with everyone. I agree that my actions will speak louder than words (re: changing my phone # and writing the NC letter, etc).
I am also now more aware of what needs to take place to prove myself. Unfortunately there is NO manuel on how to make a M right after an affair so I really appreciate everyone's input and advise.
As an update, I wanted to inform cutterbug and undefeated that I contacted my husband on yesterday to see if he'd received the THANK YOU card I'd sent and how he felt about my invite to spend Valentine's Day weekend together.
He told me that he'd rec'd the card...When I asked him what he thought about us spending Valentine's Day weekend together he said, "Well I guess I don't have a choice." I said you don't have a choice, are you implying that I'm strong arming you? He just laughed. I just continued on with our conversation as normal trying not to make a big deal out of what he said.
Later last night I text messaged him to inform him of my arrival time for that weekend. Shortly there after, he decides to respond to me via text and said: "Don't get your hopes up to high and expect things to be like they were, cuz it's not gonna change anything at all, the divorce still stands and sex is definitely out, just so you know.
After reading this, I'm sure you can imagine I was confused. Why would he wait to express this to me via text when he could've told me this earlier in our conversation. So I called him and asked him what he meant and he said...."I think your up to something and I just wanna let you know that nothing will change. I proceeded to ask him why he thought I was up to something and he said that's your MO. So I said, I never told you I was flying out to Sacramento to stop a divorce or to have sex...I just wanted to spend time with you and hang out. If you don't want me to come out to see you then I won't. He then says, "Oh know I don't mind hanging out I just don't want you to think things will change. He went on to say he thought that I was trying to get pregnant by him. I reassured him that was NOT my intention and that we could sleep in separate beds for goodness sakes.
Honestly, do you think he would spend the weekend with me and still divorce me? I asked him what was he gonna tell his family and friends when he disappears for the weekend? He said that he was gonna tell them that he was partying with some of the guys from work. I thought it was interesting that he already had his story together for that weekend and that he agreed to check into our hotel room early since I won't arrive until late Saturday evening.
You men say that women are confusing but MEN take it to another level. My husband didn't make any sense. So I can come visit you for the weekend. Your willing to lie to your family and friends to spend Valentine's Day weekend with me after telling them that our marriage is over and you've filed for divorce. Your convinced that I'm up to something( trying to get pregnant to stop the divorce).
HMMMMM is it me OR am I missing something here??????
No, it's really simple. He doesn't trust you. That's it.
What you need to do is validate all his feelings. Make sure the changes you make are 100% transparent and complete. Don't give him a single inch of doubt on those changes at all as he will leap upon them and it will be one step forward twenty back.
As far as sex etc, you need to not have it at all with him even if he initiates it later. If it's not possible to do that, use visible protection (ie. not the pill but condoms). Make sure he knows that you are in no way AT ALL trying to get pregnant by him and that it is him you want.
I think you also need to do what us LBS's do. Stop analysing everything. It is what it is what it is. He is willing to LIE to family and friends to spend time with you. Do you KNOW how good a chance that is? He wants to spend time with you but he doesn't yet trust you enough to tell family and friends that you guys are seeing each other again. Let him trust you. And stop pushing him. Stop pushing him. Stop pushing him. Chill. Relax. Let it happen. I know it's difficult but it's also imperative.
I think you have a great chance here. If you ruin it I will get on a plane and over there to slap you 'upside the head' (yeah I'm trying to be all street just now). That's love and devotion for you
Last edited by P17; 01/26/1010:35 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
No, it's really simple. He doesn't trust you. That's it.
P17 is absolutely 100% on the money. I also agree with now putting yourself in the shoes of the LBS. Just don't lose sight of the fact that you have to make something right that you broke.
As a LBS one of the greatest tools we have in DB'ing is to confuse the heck out of our WAS. We change, we 180, we GAL. And they wonder what we're up to! And they don't trust the changes. They are waiting for the other shoe to drop. So his mistrust is completely understandable.
Go S-L-O-W-L-Y!!!! The longer you are willing to take in making things "normal" again, the more time he has to assess you and believe that these are real changes.
Quote:
Later last night I text messaged him to inform him of my arrival time for that weekend. Shortly there after, he decides to respond to me via text and said: "Don't get your hopes up to high and expect things to be like they were, cuz it's not gonna change anything at all, the divorce still stands and sex is definitely out, just so you know.
This, IMO, is a defense mechanism. You hurt him, and he wants to make it clear that he won't be opening himself up for that again. Win him back an inch at a time. Don't disagree about the divorce or his feelings. Just validate. Say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'd still like to spend a pleasant weekend with you." Be calm. Breathe.
Quote:
I think you also need to do what us LBS's do. Stop analysing everything. It is what it is what it is. He is willing to LIE to family and friends to spend time with you. Do you KNOW how good a chance that is? He wants to spend time with you but he doesn't yet trust you enough to tell family and friends that you guys are seeing each other again. Let him trust you. And stop pushing him. Stop pushing him. Stop pushing him. Chill. Relax. Let it happen. I know it's difficult but it's also imperative.
^^^^^^ Listen carefully to this; it's important.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
He's a WWS right now so you need to stop listening to what he's telling you... again Michele's book points this out very early on... do NOT listen to what he's saying and listen to only 50% of what he's doing... he's going to be throwing smoke screens at you right now... its just instincts and you need to stop analysing it.
Just clean your lifestyle up in such a way that you appear as trustworthy and mature as possible
Don't play games with him or appear to be playing any.. just tell him straight up what you are doing and let him make his choices.
He is NOT behaving like a normal "man" would right now so stop expecting it.
He's behaving like a wounded animal and you need to handle with care is all. He's cooperating with you so you have a VERY good chance of repairing this... don't push it.
Go feed some squirrels outside or something for practice and watch how careful they are... Watch how midnful they are not to get too close to you ... its good practice for you and will help you learn where your partner is at.
Allen A you couldn't have said it better. (he's going to be throwing smoke screens at you right now... its just instincts and you need to stop analysing it).
So I just got home from work and getting ready for the gym and I got another text from him saying, "When you get a chance we need to talk about you coming out here. I don't think it's a good idea, doesn't work with my schedule I might have to work out in LA that weekend."
I was sooooo livid I wanted to go postal but I held it together and called him. He went on to say that he might have to be in LA that weekend after all and he would keep me posted. I explained to him that I've already paid for my ticket and a hotel room and that I felt like if he TRULY did not want me to come out there he didn't have to hide behind his job. I also told him that I felt pretty bad about having already paid and now everything's on the fence. It's not like I didn't get his buy in first. I sent him a card and I called him before notifying my job that I would be taking President's Day off. That's pretty pathetic if that's the only thing he can come up with a day after.
Then he says well since you've already booked everything our plans are still on and that he would call me if things changed. Again I gave him the opportunity and told him I respect the fact if he doesn't want to see me but feel it's awfully mean and cruel to wait until after I've made all the arrangements.
I'm certain he's gone to the Channel 6 news and broadcasted it to anyone who will listen and that's the only excuse he could come up with.
I'm almost at my breaking point! However, I was firm and held myself together. I didn't cry, didn't beg. Just stated how I felt and that I would respect him even more for being honest and not making up lame excuses after the fact. All he had to do is tell his job that his wife was flying in to Sacramento and can't change her plans. It's BS like that....which led me to the A in the first place.
1. Stop criticizing him. 2. Just stay calm, show interest, but don't bait him or play mind games... a Lot of women play flirty harmless games with men to get their attention - do NOT do this.
He's just getting some revenge is all... You played with his feelings by putting him out of the loop, so his instincts are kicking in and he's doing the same to you... he is just putting you out of the loop and causing you inconvenience...
do NOT complain... This is more or less him just telling you how HE felt... I know it seems childish, but he needs time to process his feelings and during that time he's going to be difficult.. just let him process... be available, but maintain your dignity..
do NOT complain about his games... tell him its inconvenient, but you understand.
I would just do the trip anyways and NOT see him while I was there... use the ticket, show him you don't need him to have fun.
don't TELL him this, just go and do it...
Tell him kindly that you appreciated his effort and that you made a weekend of it anyhow and hope to see hima gain soon.
Make HIM come to you... if you push hard he's gonna be suspicous
I was told by a C to read the book "How to Talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk" (adele faber & elaine mazlish) this was to help me learn how to talk with my W. I only suggest this because from what I see you have alot of contact with your husband and it seems like you might learn from this book
Actually this is very good Shasha. I have no idea what presidents day is... or when it is...
Think about it. You go there. You have a nice date. But nothing more. And you leave.
Can you do that. Can you just enjoy the company of someone who you have shared a past with. When your with him just talk about your current goals. Keep away from the R talk.
But please make sure you look him in the eyes. Do not be meek. But do not be full of swagger either.
Pre book the hairdresser and a peticure. Prepare for the date. Make this a good time to be you. And when you go out. Enjoy yourself. And do not tag him. Just be you. And just enjoy the evening. Talk about his family. Talk about what he is doing. Talk about what your doing. Talk about current events.
And enjoy the date.
And when the date ends. Tell him that you had a good evening and state that you just want a hug. And hug him and hold him. And then leave.
Next day. Call him and thank him.
But if he cancels. Then you need to set a boundary. He needs to put some effort in as well. You cannot do 100%... just 80%
Good luck girl.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thank you everyone for your support. Just got back from the gym. Although, I understand what you all are saying it's just very hard to feel such pain. Just when I think we are at least on good speaking terms, he says or does something that triggers the feelings I had when I decided to have the A.
This going to be the most longest two weeks of my life and something tells me he's trying SO hard to come up with a reason not to see me. My flight leaves on Saturday February 13th and February 1st isn't even here yet.
I just wanna crawl in a hole and sleep for two weeks until this is over. I realize that is not possible so in the meantime I will continue to try and stay busy while he comes up with the another excuse that sounds just as lame as the others he's given me!!!
