#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[Cadet]

You are learning, yes your H is probably in replay. I only suggested the resources to let you understand what is going on.

CG is correct in her advice to you. If you read HB's posts you begin to understand that the LBS is also going through a crisis. In order to survive the crisis you must take the focus off of what you can't control. Your H.
Put the focus on what you can control. You!

Understand that MLC is not short. You are no different than anyone else that has gone through this. You might hope that it is different but it more than likely won't be.

[CityGirl]

I really have to disagree with you about not seeing a MC that does not have children. A *good* marriage counselor will teach you and your H to find solutions. While they may suggest solutions the whole theory behind "solutions based counseling" is to give you the tools to work together to find solutions for whatever issues/obstacles/problems you have. If parenting stress is a issue/obstacle/problem the same theory would need to be taught to you and your H from a solutions based standpoint.

While I don't have a child myself I was *very* close to my H's cousin who is autistic. I was a big part of her life since she was 2. I babysat often, I attended play therapy/physical therapy/occupational therapy/audio therapy with her, learned to keep, shop for and cook a gluten free diet and overall spent a lot of time with her. It is NOT easy. It is overwhelming. There were days where I hated myself for it but I just could not wait to be done with her.

It seems you might benefit from a specific support group that directly works with the special needs your child has IN ADDITION to a solutions based MC.

The thing is, at this time, your H has no interest in MC hence the need to stop dissecting him and start working on you and ONLY you.

I didn't think anything negative about your comment on the other thread. I simply was carrying the conversation back to your thread.

[flowmom]

I really have to disagree with you about not seeing a MC that does not have children. A *good* marriage counselor will teach you and your H to find solutions. While they may suggest solutions the whole theory behind "solutions based counseling" is to give you the tools to work together to find solutions for whatever issues/obstacles/problems you have. If parenting stress is a issue/obstacle/problem the same theory would need to be taught to you and your H from a solutions based standpoint.

You make a good point. I have spent years in counselling (IC) and months in MC, but I've never experienced solution-based counselling. I can see that it may operate very differently from what I am used to. If I ever had the opportunity to do MC, finding someone experienced in solution-based counselling would be a priority for me.

[CityGirl]

My IC told me (who btw is a solution based therapist) that 60% of all problems in a R (be it a marriage, sibling, friendship... whatever type of R you are having) do not have solutions that work for both parties. HOWEVER, using the solutions based theory there is a workable way to not allow the issue be an obstacle for the long term.

Of course this only works if both parties are willing to learn how to do this. Hell, I only have to do it with myself and it is still tough! LOL!

[flowmom]

My GAL update from the last 24 hours:

• doing billable work...this is a biggie (re-starting my professional business)
• painting my toenails
• watching a funny DVD (OK maybe this one is dubious but I never used to allow myself time off from housework in the evenings)
• posting pictures of myself having fun with my kids on my blog to remind myself (and family) of the joys of the life that I have
• hatching idea of maybe learning to play guitar (wanted to do that for a long time)

[CityGirl]

Good list! My brother in law started playing guitar last year and he loves it.

And very good on the billable hours!

See, you CAN do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[flowmom]

This morning:

H: <taking me aside> I've noticed that I've been scowling a lot while I'm here (at home) but not in other places, like when I look after the children at my home (his apartment)

me: <jokingly. I hadn't noticed...

H: <seriously> I just want you to know that the scowling is out of stress. It's stressful for me to be caring for the children here, in this simulated domesticity that's just here. I don't want you to think that I'm angry at you.

me: I can understand that...

---

positive: he's trying to make coparenting work and making an effort to communicate
negative: he's compartmentalizing different parts of his life to manage his emotions...this has gotten him into trouble in the past

[CityGirl]

Yup, just validate and move on.

His compartmentalizing is his issue to own and deal with.

[june72]

Boy Flowmom,
I don't have any great advice. Seems like he is lost for the moment.

How are you able to have two places to live when the financial situation is so dire? I may has missed something in your posts...

How are the kids handling this?

[flowmom]

How do I respond to this email from H:

I'm tired of sleeping on the floor on a mattress and I want a real bed. But if I remember correctly, you've always disliked [the foldout couch that we've used as a "marital bed"], and I quite like it, so instead of me going and buying a new bed why don't you pick one out at [a store] and I'll go pick it up for you

For some reason bringing this up is really stressing me out.