Carolina, The polar opposite...we call it the "mirror image". They actually become the exact opposite of what they were pre-crisis. Once you can detach and step away from their drama, it is quite interesting to see just how their reflection in the mirror takes over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, that's actually a more meaningful term. I didn't really start realizing it until I began detaching from his craziness just how much he had changed and how the things he said and did were not just out of character, but out of this universe. I have to tell you though, the idea of the "mirror image" cuts like a knife somedays because I only see a stranger. One true benefit of detaching, I'm not all consumed by the OW, moreso attentive to my H and his actions and what he must be going through inside.
I have been given a book I'm planning to read tonight. It's called "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne Bercht. I have read so much in the past few months, but this was a gift from a friend and figured why not bust this one out since it rainy this evening. Hope it's not toxic because I've read some books that were not enlightening to any degree and frankly destructive. Anyone read this one?
Interesting turn of events this week. I have been NC for almost a week now and even leave the home if he is dropping off roommate after work. Zero contact! Since that time, H has become noticeably irratable at work (according to best friend and also roommate who is "friends" with H) while before he was acting as though everything was fine in his world, meanwhile lamenting to me about life. H was even caught speaking badly about roommate which is very odd because they are "friends". I watch what I say around roommate, yet roommate reports the same stories back to me as my best friend about H and what he is up to these days in the workplace and around OW. My best friend is HR manager at H's office and they have been cordial to one another since the beginning of the "bomb", although H knows how close best friend and I are and she knows EVERYTHING. They have continued to greet each other with "hello"'s and even joked around about neutral topics still. Yesterday, best friend walked into the office H shares with a few other gentlemen and said hello to him. H got up from his desk, looked at her, and walked out without saying a word as to noticeably snub her. This has never happened before and H has always been great friends with her and even introduced she and I. H office is buzzing about H's affair and has been for about a month now and I have even been asked out by some guys in his office and old "friends" of his. The secret is out and H has been alienated since this all came out from his previous friends. Also, best friend has been asked to lunch by a friend of H's. This also odd because it has never happened before. H has lost all his informants who would tell him of my every move and I even within the last week "unfriended" his 1 of 3 remaining friends on Facebook so H wouldn't even know how I am doing at all. She accepted the invitation knowing that this is probably a ploy to pump her for information. She knows to answer everything with, "She's doing great!". Saw OW at stop sign yesterday morning in her car and looked at her the entire time, while she looked down to her lap. Cowardly, IMHO. You sleep with my H, the least you can do is look at me??? After that, OW and H didn't go to lunch together which is REALLY rare. She was also 45 minutes late for work after just having had a meeting with management on Friday about 78 tardies just in 2009. Cracks me up because she knows as well as everyone else that layoffs are coming. Laughable if she thinks H makes enough money to support her sorry as*!
Your h isn't happy w/the NC. He wants to know what you are doing and when. He can't find anything out and he's getting irritable about it. As for the ow, she can't look you in the face because she knows what she's doing is wrong.
Stand up straight, head up and a huge smile on your face. You are doing just fine...you are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just thought I would check in and give an update. NC has been hard, but getting easier everyday. As a matter of fact, I feel as though it has been the best thing that ever happened to me as far as detaching. I kept wondering when this wonderful world of "detachment" would truly show itself. There were up and down days for sure, but when you know, you just know. I have gotten to a point where I realized that with or without my husband, life does go on. Don't get me wrong, I miss my H dearly, but the pain and the anger is dwindling away. As a matter of fact, I feel like my eyes have been opened to the world again and there is life outside of taking care of my H needs and not neglecting my own. I will see what happens in the days to come, but the desperation has worn off. Yesterday, H stopped by to get some things and help out cleaning the yard (house is on the market). I hadn't seen him or spoken to him in a couple of weeks. He was a bit annerved I had taken down all of our pictures and wedding momentos, but I didn't want to look at them anymore. I told him that our realtor told me to "de-clutter" the home of personal items such as this to increase the chances of selling. Good idea for both the sale of the house and my mental well being!! H also told me that he got a new tattoo (looks like a prison tattoo if you ask me, but who am I to judge). He left with things in hand and I was unphased and continued on with my day. Before, this scene (as he had done this a few times) cut like a knife. Now, I know that I can handle my life and myself regardless of the outcome and the "walk away" doesn't hurt anymore.
Quick question for all of you out there. Have you ever been at a point where you have just had enough??? I realize that our spouses are ill and I also realize that I shouldn't believe anything they say whenever they spew their venom, however, let's reality check for a moment here...
For those of you with an OW/OM wrapped up in your MLC spouses life, put yourself in your spouses shoes for a moment. Although I realize it may be tough to say what I would do, but I myself have been through a depression and never once did it cross my mind to have an affair. Frankly, I didn't have the motivation for one either during a depression. It never once crossed my mind to leave behind all that I held precious at one time or another. It never once crossed my mind to not accept the help of a professional (as a matter of fact, I was dying for it). Although I know MLC and depression are two different beasts, there are glaring similarities as well.
My H promised that even through all of this, he would never leave me in a financial ruin. Well, that's exactly what has happened. Not yet, but he's working on it. I think I have no choice but to go ahead and file for a legal separation to protect myself and get the bills paid at the very least. I am certain the OW is behind all this pulling his strings like a puppet. Any thoughts on this one??? File or no??? I'm so confused on what to do!!! Getting more fired up by the minute!
