Piecing Without Transparency

[addie]

Hi Everyone,

Although we've been Piecing for 8 months, this is my first thread in Piecing. I have found Piecing a very difficult process.

For those unfamiliar with my sitch, H and I were living 2500 miles apart up until last May when we R. Prior to that, we had moved across the country for H's job, then an EA/PA a couple of months later and separation, PA ended but I moved back to my home town with S13 because I had already made plans to do so. H kept in constant contact with me, I was semi-dark because I also knew he was still pursuing OW after PA ended, even though she wanted nothing to do with him. After months of hearing everything from him that an LBS could ever hope to hear, I allow H to return to work on our M with specific boundaries such as transparency, IC and MC which he agrees to but never materializes.

For months after H returns, he looks for employment but finds nothing in his field and becomes depressed. So he decides he will go back to school to get his PhD (something he'd talked about for years). Although he gets some funding for this, I am the one supporting our family. This has caused some resentment on my part because I have supported us financially previously when H was doing other grad work. Although H enjoys what he is doing now, he's often miserable because of his financial sitch.

In the meantime, there has been no transparency on H's part, no IC or MC. On many occasions I have made it very clear to H that I need these things to rebuild trust and he keeps putting it off. I have also found recent "evidence" that he's still longing for OW (she's hundreds of miles away) and other omissions. He denies contact but I really don't know for sure - I don't trust that he would tell me the truth anyway. He tells me he would like nothing more than for the last 3 years of his life to be erased from his memory. He says he wants to be satisfied with his life but he's not, that he hates living like this. I've told him he needs IC ASAP.

Thanks for reading. I haven't been posting on my own thread for months but I really need the support now. I'm starting to become very discouraged that we can actually work this out.

[Kalni]

addie,
nice to see you but I wish you didnt feel you needed to come back here...

I dont know what to say. I think that regarding transparency, I have been doing a bad job as well since I still havent gotten the passwords etc.

How does he respond? What would make you feel at ease? How do you know he pursues her?
I think when WAS become LBSs in the extra marital affair, the "dream" stays in their minds for some time. And if he feels inadequate again because of finances, I would guess he is looking for somekind of quick pick-me up remedy. And that would be her.
Can he sense your resentment? Resentment is a very powerful destruction machine. I've experienced that.
How about "calming down", cooling off inside and then have a heart to heart discussion. Maybe some boundaries?
Love
K

[addie]

Hi K,

It's been very difficult to Piece without transparency (as you very well know). I don't think trust can ever be restored and that's why I've been stuck for such a long time. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but every time I do check, I find concrete "evidence" (unsent??? letters, poetry to her) that she is still very much on his mind - there have been a few instances. It makes me wonder if he will ever be over her and I wonder what would happen, if she ever wanted to continue the R. H admitted to me (after I calmly confronted him) that he hates himself for what he's done and continues to do, yet he keeps making excuses for not seeking IC.

Resentment??? Yes H can sense my resentment and this doesn't help our sitch. I'm the one that's always had the stable job and most of what we have, has come from my income. Although H is an EXTREMELY driven person and a workaholic, he's made some very poor choices and blames everyone else for his lack of success. Until he can work through his issues, he'll never be successful because he'll always be moving from one job to the next in search of happiness. H told me today he'll go for IC in mid Feb because he's very busy until then. I guess this shows where his priorities lie.

[addie]

We talked some more last night.
H told me he's very unhappy. He wants to find happiness - he hates his life, hates the person he is, hates the fact he has no financial security, etc. He even shared the fact that he's thought about ending his life (it's not the first time he's said this). He said he's not worthy of me and that he carries a lot of guilt about that. He told me I should find someone who is worthy of me. I told him that he really needs to get IC and that if he doesn't want to do it for himself then to do it for S13. He pointed out that he's gone to IC before and it was useless (he went to MC twice about 10 years ago and then 3 IC sessions after the PA). He has acknowledged beforehand that he's depressed, has deep rooted issues and realizes he needs to get C.
He keeps changing his mind about what he wants and keeps saying we're not right for each other. Could he be going back into the tunnel?

[Kalni]

addie,
to me it seems that he is hitting a low. I cant advise much, I can only tell you that according to PM, it is exactly at times like this one that you must hold on to yourself, not lose focus, be clear and have boundaries and learn how to sooth yourself and deal with the anxiety this causes to you, irrelevant to what he does.

If he feels that bad, it explains him turning to the fantasy of the OW again. I hope he does go to IC and ASAP because I see no end to his frustration.
K

[Deep]

Notwithstanding that your H has issues he has to address, do you think there is anything you can do to help support him, validate his self-image as a provider / source of support for the family? Do you think it could help talking to him honestly about this (but keeping it as a separate issue from the transparency)?

[addie]

Thanks Kalni and Deep,

I'm trying to not allow H's mood swings affect me too much but it's difficult. There are some days that he's really excited about the work he is doing and other days where he's miserable about his finances and his life in general. I know that it does help when I validate. He's also carrying around tremendous guilt about the PA. This is where IC might help him.

As far as OW, I don't think he's having contact with her (she dumped him, has moved on to a couple of other victims and wants nothing to do with him) but he's holding on to the fantasy even though he realizes and acknowledged to me the type of person she really was.

[pearlharbr]

Addie,

I wanted to let you know that I'm following your thread. I don't have any advice since there's no way I would have given BF a second chance without full transparency. But I understand that it works differently for each person. I'll chime in if/when I think it might help.

[addie]

PH - Thanks for stopping by. It's nice to have the virtual support even when there is no concrete advice.

The lack of transparency bothers me a lot. I'd be lying if I said it didn't. It was one of the conditions I laid out for H before he returned but never happened. Trust can never be fully restored without full honesty and transparency. There have been times where H hasn't been honest. And this is why I remain stuck many months after R.
Most of the times (not always successful at it), I've decided to behave as someone that is trusting would behave and if H is not honest, that really is his issue. He's very consumed by guilt. I'm not sure if it's all in relation to his PA or if there may be other things he feels guilt over. If this is the case, in the end, he'll be hurting himself the most.

[Lost Rabbit]

Just wanted to stop by for moral support Addie, (())