Just want my H back

[25yearsmlc]

Here's the thing, H knows that you're still there waiting for him. He knows that if things get rough in his fab new life you'll be there for support. You need to show him that's not true, then make it not true.

I don't usually advocate this position, but hold onto that anger! You're right, it is rude. Would you tolerate that behavior from a girlfriend? Or would you let the friendship go because if she isn't willing to do her part it isn't a worthwhile relationship?

I'm not advising you to be rude to him. Just don't concern yourself about anything he does unless he reaches out to you with specific plans. Or unless you honestly need to discuss business matters like taxes. Don't kid yourself about need v. want because pursuing will only hurt you in the long run.

If the tax meeting can wait then put it off. You need to be in a better frame of mind before seeing him. You need to be able to meet him and project an air of confidence because you know you are moving on to the next chapter of your life and it is going to be terrific.

what pearl said!! And as for L's and spending gobs to save pennies, it goes both ways. If there are no real assets but you enabled him to earn substantially more, so you "contributed" to HIS earning potential, then I assume you told this to your Mass attorney and they said...what? If it's not something you can get in that state, then forget it. If it will cost you more in the long run, to NOT fight something now, then fight it now. Like I said, don't be penny wise but pound foolish and that argument can be used both ways, to fight and not to fight...I lack the info for an opinion b/c I'm not a MASS L or a div L there. What did THEY say? (As opposed to the Cal attorney)

Maybe You don't have assets in Mass state.. If your relative is not a Mass attorney either, just listen to the one IN the state with jurisdiction. Has your h filed and is now just waiting for the time line to finish? What's the benefit of filing taxes together? Is this simply a reason to see him? Is HE afraid you'll learn too much about his finances? Does HE know something you don't? Like maybe you CAN get some of his earnings or restitution vis a vis you getting an advanced degree like he did, and having HIM help YOU? Again, what did the Mass L say about that, or did you ask?

If he's earning lots more now, then figure out what's best for you FINANCIALLY and think of nothing else. As long as you are CALM CALM CALM, he cannot call you a B#@$% with effect. I found Marianne Williamson's books, ("Return to Love"especially) helpful in learning about letting go and forgiving and moving on. Does not mean totally losing hope. (Also there are exercises in Williamson's books about being calm. I used to do them when I thought H would call. It helped us not engage in fighting. Just having a calm conversation was a goal...At one point I wanted to say how much it bugged me paying all the bills since h was gone. But I had just had a DB coaching session (I highly highly recommend them if you have not had them) and so when I said "Just paid the X bill and that was a high one" and H interrupted angrily and said, "Now you know how I feel b/c I've been paying all the bills for 20 years!!..." and instead of me reacting the way I would have before, WITH ANGER at being deserted with kids and a house, instead I said, "I know- and I want to thank you for paying them b/c it's a stressful experience and must have been a big drag..." and h was silent for 30 seconds...then he said, "thank you" and we ended up having a nice conversation. For ME, that was insightful. I turned a potential surefire fight, into a bonding moment.
With your h, not bringing up the past is a start. I cannot stress that enough. You two will never see the past the same way. It's impossible. Many folks waste time on establishing who was more at fault and assigning blame. It's useless and worse...
As for being 33 and childless, big deal. I don't mean to be insensitive but you are 33 & cannot turn the clock back so it's useless to think that way. Plus My mom had her first child at age 32 and 8 more followed. I had my last one at age 38, and my sister in law at age 45, (she married at age 38)...today you don't HAVE to be under 35 to have kids. And frankly, your h does not sound anywhere near ready to be a good FATHER.....so you're probably better off with someone who wants to settle down and feels secure enough in his manhood to want to be home more. Exactly the opposite of where your stbx h is in his life. Regardless, don't let those concerns dictate your course of action now. That's a recipe for disaster.

Work on yourself, move on, and do your best as a "woman only a fool would leave." Be that woman whenever you are around him and that does mean setting and enforcing boundaries b/c a great woman is worth that. If you two meet up later, who knows? You may well be his barometer for whether a woman is right enough for him and if you pull off this "New Me" well enough, there may come a time he calls you, down the road of course. And strikes up a safe "long distance" kind of friendship with you, and then....who knows? As I said, 2 relatives did this and married their exes, but it was 5 years later. In that time you could meet someone else...I know it's not what you want to hear and we are on a divorce busting site but as stated before, in your case, moving on fits both criteria. Using your anger can be good IF IF IF the anger does NOT consume you, and IF IF IF, it allows you to see him objectively. Too many LBSers convince themselves they can ONLY be happy WITH their WAS's and that is never true.

If you become a woman only a fool would leave, then leave the results up to God. Turn your R with this man, over to Him, and heal. It's all you really can do to be a healthy loving person.
j-