Sorry I hope I haven't offended anyone, by acting like I’m not going to take the advice. I don’t have to expose to my H tonight. I do have a major concern with contacting OWH first. I contacted a very good guy friend of mine and asked him how he would feel if a woman came to him and gave him this kind info. He said he would like proof, not just my own eyes. I was with a friend so I do have an eye witness. But my guy friend’s very valid concern is that we don't know OWH. And he worries that as far as we know this man can be violent and attack his W or my H or even me which I want no part of any kind of violence. I think it would be different if I knew this man. But I have never met him in my life. I still believe that he deserves to know, but I don't want to be the one who tells him. I could never forgive myself if something bad happened from me telling him. Maybe an anonymous letter?
I don’t even planning on using this A against my H in a D. Knowing that I’m not crazy and not feeling like our separation was my entire fault anymore has helped me so much. I know what I did to push him away and was carrying that quilt, but ultimately it was his choice to have an A and he will have to own that quilt and stop trying to turn that around on me. I know I have it in me to forgive him, but if he still wants out, I’m ok with that too, knowing what I know now.
I have decided against threatening my H or OW to tell OWH. Therefore, I need advice on what to say when I do decide to expose it. NOTE: I am reviewing puppydogtail’s post as much as I can. My plan would be to keep my emotions in check and remain very calm. Let H know what I’ve seen and where. I don’t care if he denies, I’ve seen all I need to for myself. I think when I do confront him I should keep the conversation short, tell him what I know, then kindly ask him to leave (this would not be kicking him out, we are already separated). It does not have to be tonight, I would just like some pointers on what to say and what to NOT say.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
So, he just tells the OW that they have to be wayy more careful. And so the affair continues. With no consequenses of their action it will continue. I can see them getting together and laughing at you that you cannot do anything about it.
Without exposure, this thing will kill your marriage. With it, the possibility of killing the affair is real and only then do you have a fighting chance.
When talking with friends, remember do not confuse advice with support. I'm sure that he was just trying to support your decision of not exposing. We are not friens with you, just people that were in the exact same situation that you find youself in. WE WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH of what we would do or what we have done when we were you.
dburt, Thank you, what you've said makes perfect since. And I understand about the friends just trying to support me. However, I am nervous about the OWH response. I know what they are doing is wrong, but it does not deserve any violent outcome, and that is my worry. I still plan on figuring out a way to tell OWH, just not sure if an anonymous letter is the right thing or not.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Her husband's response is not your responsibilty. He has a right to know; why should he be the only one of the four of you affected NOT to know the truth??
Stop making excuses.
Also, do NOT be specific in letting your husband know WHAT you know. It is probably THE single biggest tactical advantage you have : them not knowing what it is you know!
Say instead "I know all about you and (OW), and it needs to stop. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family, and it needs to stop." nif he demands to know whatcyou know, DON'T TELL HIM.
Oh mb28, now you don't have to wonder, you just have to deal with the harsh reality of your H's tacky actions. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I hope that you will take your time in formulating a response. Please try to regain your equilibrium internally first. That may take a lot longer than a couple of days. When you confront your H, he needs to know that you are totally grounded and confident in your position. Knowledge is power, and right now you have knowledge that your H doesn't.
It's hard to read your sitch knowing that it's probably my turn next. But thank you for sharing your story here and inviting the useful feedback and advice that you're getting.
Be strong.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The best thing to do is get on the phone or stop and knock on the OWH's door and get to the point of who you are and why you are in contact.
Quote:
OWH. Last night I caught your wife and my husband in his truck f*****ing..... in the parking lot of ________
I thought you should know. I believe this has been going on since around_____
I also have email exchanges from them....."
That should do it...
Sh*...*t is going to hit the fan...
GOOD..
When your husband gets home I would come right out and tell him the same thing...
"I want you to know that I caught you and slu***puppy last night in your truck... etc etc... I told her husband today. I also want you to know that if it doesn't stop then I am going to expose it to everybody else you and I both know and if that doesn't stop your little affair and get your butt back in this marriage 100% then I have decided that you should move out....
THAT IS THE WAY TO HANDLE AN AFFAIR...
NIP it in the bud quickly. Expose it strongly, stand strong. weakness does NOT work..
Expect him to be mad. That is fine. Let him be mad.. Turn it right back around on him and tell him that it is YOU who should be mad and it is HIM that should be ashamed and sorry.
Sorry so long and everyone 2x4’s welcome. I did expose A to H tonight. I told him what I knew, and of course, he tried to deny it at first. However, eventually he admitted it in not so many words. I won’t try to write out everything that was said, but I will give a brief summary: Me: I told H that I seen it with my own eyes last night H: he got mad and started telling me “f…k you”. He said that he had told me he was done, and so he didn’t consider it cheating. Me: I stayed very calm and just told him these were his choices, not mine. I told him that I wasn’t the only one that knew about it or seen it (I didn’t tell him who else knew). I also said that OW’s H had a right to know as well. H: He informed me that she hadn’t told her H, but that she was planning to leave him. He also then told me he was done, and was getting a lawyer Me: I told him to do whatever he felt he needed to. Then I said I was done talking and walked away
That is a brief summary. However, I did stay very calm and yes, he did try to turn it around on me and start a fight. I will be letting the OW’s H know as soon as I can, however, whatever he decides to do with that info is up to him. I will not be using this against my H in any legal proceedings.
Not sure if DB’ing will work after this now. I will continue to do my 180’s, LRT, and GAL. Now I know these are for me and not him. That obsessed, crazy, despair feeling has left me since I confirmed the affair, and more weight has been lifted off my shoulders with me exposing it. I do believe at this point that the M is over, with what he said to me tonight. However, I do know that he was angry and I’m not sure if he meant everything he said. Nevertheless, honestly, his words no longer hurt me as they did before. He would make me feel so guilty and that all of this was my fault. I will be speaking to L tomorrow for legal advice.
I want to thank everyone for all the good advice today.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Sorry to hear of the developments over the last couple of days Mb.
What's done is done, but the M may not be as done as you think. It's up to you. You've confronted, and as Puppy and Gucci already advised, you do not get many (if any) second chances now. The next round of exposure to OWH and others will be critical. I think you did very well; it's immensely difficult to stay calm doing what you did.
H's abuse and reaction is all par for the course. His cozy fantasy world may not be all that fantastic once OW and her H gets the news.
Stay strong, continue to GAL and detach; ignore the venom and spew likely to come from H. I'm not sure what you meant by posting you "will not use that against H in legal proceedings" but right now is not the time to be weak.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
As far as your M being over that is up to you. If you want it to be over then it can be over. If you want to still fight for it then that is where the DB'ing comes in. You can decide what you want. You can't decide what your H wants.
Take some time to think don't decide right away. Your children are watching and you will never really be done with your H even if you do get D.
