My mom said, "sometimes you need to cut your losses", at first. Later, she added their own layer of stress - would they lose their grandkids if I divorced. Ouch...
They, as well as my SIL/BIL all had differing points for different reasons - this was tough, especially when it changed. Their intention is the part to remember; their intention doesn't make them right~
Set boundaries if you need to. Tell her not to contact him if you want to. Maybe bribe the mailperson...or your dad to pre-edit her!!
thankfully i usually check the mail before he does, so i'm not too worried about that. and my usually totally rational father is the one who put it in the mail box for her! WHT???
it doesn't help that my mom sees her dreams of grandchildren slipping away...my older sister is 32 and single, i'll be 30 in april and on the brink of separation. she'd had both of us by the time she was my age. i think that adds to the stress she's feeling of watching me go through this...a dream of hers is dying, too.
i always try to look my best for my H, whether we are fighting or not. his mom used to tease me cause i'd dress up to go to his little sister's soccer games. now i have to come up with a whole new outfit for lunch with him on thursday.
i've told my mom i'm dealing with this the best way i know how and that if nothing else, the whole ordeal has brought me closer to god and my faith than i've ever been in my life. next time i talk to her, if she brings up my M or my H, i'll say i don't want to talk about it and if she persists (which she usually does) i'll end the conversation. i know she is just worried, but her way of getting my H to come to his senses wouldn't work on ANYONE.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
heard one of "our songs" on the radio at work...first reaction was to smile at the memory of singing it with him on karaoke night. second reaction was to want to absolutely break down. i'm sticking with my game face for now. there are pictures of him all over my desk anyway...it seems too final to put them away.
my GAL for the day: asked H to walk the dog after work so i can meet my sister for a performance at ford's theatre tonight. he seemed ok with that (he's staying with a friend who lives in our building anyway, otherwise i would have asked the friend). meeting her for happy hour first.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
[quote=onthemountaintop]My mom said, "sometimes you need to cut your losses", at first. Later, she added their own layer of stress - would they lose their grandkids if I divorced. Ouch...
my mom says that to me a lot, about cutting my losses. this is not the first time he has wanted out of our marriage. but this time it's not because he's acting impulsively (at least not in his mind), but because he just doesn't see us making it work in the long term. isn't there a point in every marriage where one or both spouses want to "cut their losses?" how would anyone ever stay married if we all acted on that instead of fighting to make things work?
at least you have your children, though. my mom sees this as the closing of the door on my baby making chances at least for another 5 years. and she may be right. and i really want kids. i never wanted to rush into having them with my H, cause he has a lot of growing up to do, but still...
i am rambling.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
also, i want some advice on that letter my mom sent my H. i SHOULD intercept that in the mail, right? should i at least tell him it's coming in case he checks the mail before i get a chance? i could ask him not to open it...thoughts??
the letter from my mom is one that my H wrote my mom in 2008 after a near separation between the 2 of us. my mom sent it along with a note saying, "guess you didn't mean this. you wrote this to me 18 months ago." she told me today she feels the need to tell my H how SHE'S feeling. (since she's seen me go through this with him once before, she's pretty fed up and firey, as you can imagine)
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
just got back from seeing a play with my sister. it was fun, i managed to forget things from time to time, which was nice. bought myself a new dress and sweater, went for a walk with the dog.
loneliness overwhelms me tonight. coming home to this empty apartment (well, empty except for the dog) pretty much takes the wind out of me and puts me back at square one. he hasn't even moved out yet...if i'm this overwhelmed now i can't imagine how it's going to feel when he's actually gone.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
hard getting through last night. heard nothing from H. got a text from neighbor saying he'd walked the dog while i was out in the evening.
made a big mistake and talked to my SIL over the weekend. she told my H that i may be getting mixed signals from him and while he was at least sleeping on the couch over the weekend and during the week (spending some nights on our neighbor's couch), now he is just plain gone. before he would come down and walk the dog in the mornings or have dinner with me after work...now, nothing.
in his email yesterday (or monday, i can't remember) he said he was sorry if i had misread any of his actions. i could only reply that i had always appreciated that he had stayed so close by (my grandmother died in early jan and since he was only a few floors above me, he was by my side in a matter of minutes) and not gone across town to stay with family.
i expect no contact with him today, since we don't meet for lunch until tomorrow. last time we "separated" i think the longest we went without speaking was about 2 weeks. but still. it's going to be a long day.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I just read through your sich again. You are doing pretty well. I know that this is hard but I see a few pitfalls. You are going to have lunch tomorrow. Do not tell him you love him!!!! That is pursuing and you will be signing over your D papers by doing that. I know that is what you want to do(TELL HIM i LOVE YOU) but don't!! You need to give him as much space as possible. Act like if he doesn't come back it will be OK. You are having a good time without him.
You can talk to your mother and sister BUT don't do anything that they say without checking on this board first. They love you, we don't(sorry but truth). They can not give you objective advice, we can. I know it is counterintuitive but that is DB'ing.
I agree that you need not be desparate - if he returns from guilt it wouldn't get you anywhere and that's good advice.
I'm not sure why saying that you love him is a problem. Saying, "I love you." and stopping is. Maybe, "I love you" can be said or shown in ways that are clear and attracting. When my wife says, ILY and I can't reply honestly, it sucks and drove me away. But when I thought she didn't love me, it drove me away more. It sounds silly, but it needs to be known because why fight for a M with someone who doesn't love you? Think of ways to show it, or say it in a sentence where a response would be weird. For example, "I know we've had many changes, but I see the world differently. I love you and I hope you will see the side of me you loved once and could discover it again later on" says that I don't expect a reply...
Follow your gut with one thing completely - he's got ADHD and that means he's had his share of rejection and running away when the going got tough. Don't make it too easy, help him see you are worth fighting over, but what works for many people might not work for someone who's just realized their was a pattern to his madness. Be the spouse you want to be a year from now - happy with yourself~
