Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

I realize this and right or wrong, I am holding off till next week when W's work should slow way down...and we should know more about the Hawaii job for whatever crisis that might drive. If the workload doesn't fair share out next week, I'll be posting thoughts on what/how to state the boundary.

[Lost Rabbit]

Just catching up, can you ask someone to babysit who could do a stopover, that would give you some time for a change of plan.

Just one thing daughter pointed out she was home early but did YOU tell her it was nice to have her home early? Ok you will get a rebuff, she doesnt really believe your in for the 100% yet. I know in the scheme of things youd rather she committed to the relationship 100% but its not gonna be like that you have to do the 100% and let her grow from probably 0% to 100%. Just keep reminding yourself you have her at home with you and that my dear friend is a huge huge bonus!

Keep doing things for her simple, what could you do for her whilst she is in the basement to draw her out, make coffee and bring cakes but put them somewhere where she has to come to you! Say say your making coffee and you will meet her in the lounge.

What things before used to fill her 5LL's have you read it yet?
Think back before this all hit the fan, how often did you tell her she was beautiful, that you were proud of her, that you loved being with her, and what a fantastic mum she was (remember she was doing all the work before if I remember rightly). You have learnt to be a single parent thats what she was, validate her on how hard it is to do that and that although its hard how much you get out of it and you realise how much she must miss that and what a pull it is to have an exciting career and still want to be committed to your kids. As Rocked said start doing what works, if it does do it again and if doesnt dont!

[gutwrenching]

Lost - WOW...first of all you made me feel bad cause man did I miss the boat on some obvious chances. But you are SO right.

I kick and kick myself now, I got bitter about what I will term empty promises. W promised me yesterday she was going to leave early and then she didn't so even though it wasn't early, it was better and I should have said something.

I have not read the 5LLs. What is that one, I've seen it referred to, can you spell it out for me. Also, is this another book to keep the W from seeing? I could download to my iphone but with our joint itunes account she could see it, if she shouldn't I'll have to buy the old fashioned way.

Before the SH&t hit the fan, I blew it. I know that now. I didn't tell her any of things enough, that remains a HUGE issue cause now I'm not able to tell her those things. She isn't ready to hear it.

I can talk about how hard it is to be a single parent...she knows she's done that to me...and she knows I've only done it for a few months, this has come up a little before. She got a little bitter because she feels she did it for so long (but IMO not as bad as I've had it. I would make it home for swim lessons at least once every other week, and things like that to give her a break here and there, I've had no break, but that's not how she paints our history right now)

Thanks for the tips, you are incredible and a great friend.

And yes, I had that thought about someone who could flex from a few hours to overnight, I have two in-mind, got to figure out which would be ideal.

And another thought...tell me what you think...I could go out for an ice cream and then bring one back...we do not take food into the basement. She'd have to wonder not only why did I go out for one, but she'd have to come up to eat it before it melted, or does that defeat the purpose of going out for ice cream just for me just for the heck of it?

[Lost Rabbit]

Just love the icecream manouvre its fab! Just jealous its too cold over here in the UK to indulge in icecream lol!

Right stop beating yourself and remember if I hadnt been a plonker too I wouldnt be here telling you how not to do it! Believe me I let a dear sweet man get so unhappy he walked and I never noticed, not something Im proud of.

The 5lls is the five love languages by Gary Chapman we all have different ones, the theory is that we all have love tanks and when they are depleted that leads to us feeling unloved, unwanted and thats when we start to look elsewhere. It not one you have to hide infact once you have read and done the quiz for you, later you can ask your W to do her quiz too on the grounds that its a tool that can help makes things better. Both mine and H's LL's were physical touch and words of affirmation. My H is a sucker for a cuddle and letting him know I appreciate what he has done instead of taking it for granted certainly has filled his love tanks. In fact H and I had quite a giggle doing it together as yes they can what you put too hint hint I'd like mine filled too! But its like all things dont over do it at first add a few slowly but surely as otherwise she will just run the bucket as it will appear twee! Keep going your like a sponge at the moment keep slurping all the info up!

[rockedworld]

GW - you can also do the 5LL quiz online at www.5lovelanguages.com

[Lotus]

GW,

Definitely bring her ice cream and offer it to her. So many people equate not pursuing with being inconsiderate and selfish. They are not the same. You can be not pursuing and still be kind, considerate, and generous. I doubt you would be called pursuing if you brought a donut and coffee to a friend at work. But on this website, say "Good morning" and someone will accuse of pressuring your wife! No one falls in love with a selfish, self-centered b-tard. At least, none of the women I know. At all times, you need to display likable behavior to your wife.

[Lotus]

I just remembered something from a long time ago, before my husband and I married. We had been living together and thinking about marriage. But I got cold feet and called it off, broke up with him, and moved out. While I was living at a GF's house and being very independent, he showed up one afternoon and said, "I was thinking about going for ice cream, anybody want to come?" Of course, my GF said no. But I went. I never thought of that as pressuring me, or pursuing behavior. I thought, "What a nice guy, he took me out for ice cream even after I broke up with him." We ended up back together not long after.

[TrentC]

But on this website, say "Good morning" and someone will accuse of pressuring your wife! No one falls in love with a selfish, self-centered b-tard.

Indeed. The whole "going dark" thing has been blown way out of proportion. It's meant as part of the LRT, and should be used if your spouse has moved out or made it abundantly clear that they want a divorce -- as in, not in the middle of an argument.

If you are living in the same house and there is no looming threat of D, work on being the kind of person who want to be, and that your spouse wants to be with.

[sandi2]

Now though, am I pushing too much on a still WAW asking for a night at a hotel this weekend?

Well, I look at that kind of like dating. It doesn't mean automatic sex. You're just getting a room together. In fact, my advice would be to let her intiate any moves and make darn sure if she does that there isn't a doubt in your mind as to what the signal is. If she gives a hug......then hug her back with the same intensity. If it's a non-sexual hug....that's what you give back. If she leans in to give you a small kiss.....then receive it and don't pursue back with more. If she wants more...she'll let you know.

If you follow her lead, (and make sure you know where she's going).....then she'll likely feel less pressure. I think she already feels pressure just a the thought of a hotel room, so I honestly think she's doing a real effort movement (that you were wanting to see out of her).

Don't know if you'll listen to me, but as I've tried to tell some of you men, if the WAW thinks her H is not interested in her sexually, then it usually attracts her. That old prinicple of wanting what you can't have, remember? So, if you were to tell her that you booked a room and that you realize both of you have been under a lot of strain for a long time and would just like for the two of you to relax and enjoy the social event with friends....and didn't want her to feel like she had to worry about you coming on to her, I think she would let her guard down a lot. In fact, if she sees you being fun and charming with her as well as others, then she may actually get kind of turned on by that and try to see if she can still affect you the way she once did. Maybe she will want to test the waters to see if she thinks there still could be a little spark between the two of you before making this big decision about moving. (I remember what she said, but all WAW's think the spark is gone.)

So like I said, if she makes the moves toward you, then just give as good as you are getting, until you see she isn't going to back out of what she started. There is that chance, you know, when she first tries to kiss you and you get into a real sexual embrace.....so try to keep your wits and don't go crazy right off the bat. Do you feel like you're getting your first sex talk?

Seriously, I'm not wanting to set you up for disappointment and that's why I said to tell her that you are just wanting to have a relaxing time. That way, you won't be expecting anything from her and won't be worried about what you should or shouldn't do. It puts all the balls in her court!

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - great wisdom as usual and I was already thinking along those lines. But let me clarify, I haven't booked a room, I was debating when/how to approach with W after she asked me via e-mail "Are you asking me to get a room"

I really don't think she'll agree to one, but after all these great posts, I will try. I might even wait another day or I might ask tonight.

If she were to agree, I would be anticipating ZERO physical contact, why, because we sleep in the same bed now and in the last month there has been physical contact only twice...the night of the suicide and the night after.

So there hasn't been an effort movement as of yet, because she hasn't agreed to a hotel and I haven't really broached the subject yet. And I expect the answer to be no...

So, if you were to tell her that you booked a room and that you realize both of you have been under a lot of strain for a long time and would just like for the two of you to relax and enjoy the social event with friends....and didn't want her to feel like she had to worry about you coming on to her, I think she would let her guard down a lot.

Are you suggesting I try the technique of actually booking the room and then using approach?