After reading DR and many of the post in this forum I'm pretty sure that my wife is going through MLC.We have been married almost 27 years and together 30 with two great kids.When my wife hit her 40s she went through the death of her grandmother that she was very close to,a couple of her girlfriends got divorced and she got a boob job.In summer of 07 she went on a trip with her best friend and when she came home on Sunday she told me we needed to talk and said she was moving out,we talked to the kids and she left that day,already had a condo set up to move into.
I of course was devastated and cried and asked her not to go that we could work this out,but she had her mind made up and said she needed space.She was gone for about a week and then one night came back home but not because she wanted to,the guilt from leaving our kids got to her.
After being here for about a week she said she couldn't take the pressure of being under the same roof and was ready to leave again,that's when I told her that she could stay here with the kids and I would move out to give her space.
We were apart for about six months at which time she filed for D only to cancel it later and ask me to move back home.
I've been back home now for almost two years but we still do not have much of a marriage,we live like roommates,very little touching.We had been sleeping in the same bed until recently when she told me she was uncomfortable with us sleeping together and said she was tired of acting like we were still a couple so I am now sleeping on the couch.
In her mind we are still together because of the kids and finances not because of our marriage vows.It is a weird sitch,she is not cruel we get along great as friends and parents,she doesn't go out or run around,goes to work and comes home and makes dinner then goes to her room and watches TV and goes to sleep.We go to church together every Sunday to the outside world all looks and seems like a normal marriage.
I made mistakes in the past,I was jealous and controlling and made her feel smothered and that is something that I have been working on since all of this started and have come a long way,so in that since what she has done forced some change in me that needed to happen.
I get caught between DBing and my Christian beliefs about being selfless and loving unconditionally.I have gone through writing letters and telling her how much I love to pulling back and working on GAL and stop saying I love you.It's hard I am crazy about this lady and still have faith that our marriage is going to turn around and be better than ever but I know that DBing works and I think my best bet is to just back off and do my own thing and let her have her space and be patient,Time is on my side because our son still has three more years of school and from what I understand her plan is to stay together until he has gone off to college and then get D and move on with her life.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
I know that DBing works and I think my best bet is to just back off and do my own thing and let her have her space and be patient,Time is on my side because our son still has three more years of school and from what I understand her plan is to stay together until he has gone off to college and then get D and move on with her life.
Well it looks like you gave yourself pretty good advice. How are you doing in following your own advice. I am guessing your W is about 48-50 years old. Certainly what you are going through is not unusual.
First of all I would suggest if at all possible that you move back into the bedroom. Don't make a big deal about it. Promise her that you will stay on your side of the bed or she can sleep on the couch. I believe in detach/NC. What I am suggesting to you I have been practicing for the past 3-4months maybe even longer. It protects you while you work on GAL. It is hard having a live in and also having kids. It can be done.
Have you read the resources? Do you have the link to the livestrong/ detach.
I can get them for you if you need them. Post here and I can put them on your thread.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I've been reading through the links and learning more about detaching.I was thinking about V-Day coming up and in the past have always done the flowers and card etc,this year not sure if I just ignore it,which is totally out of character for me,or do I still get her something.
I haven't moved back into the MB yet I think if I do right now it may push her out the door,not sure.
I am working on doing my own thing (GAL) my son and took ATVs out last weekend and I'm going out of town this Friday night for a seminar.Should I be around other women?I know there is a bar/club where I will be staying,I am not talking about being unfaithful just maybe a little flirting and dancing,it's been quite awhile since she has made me feel appreciated or attractive.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
Personally, I would not recommend being around other women right now. Especially if alcohol is involved.
Originally Posted By: HHIF
I am working on doing my own thing (GAL) ...Should I be around other women?I know there is a bar/club where I will be staying,I am not talking about being unfaithful just maybe a little flirting and dancing,it's been quite awhile since she has made me feel appreciated or attractive.
This is the reason why. It could lead you down a slippery slope.
You do not have to separate your Christian beliefs with DB efforts. It may seem like they are different things but honestly, they are not.
DB, involves detatchment. Detatchment without anger, detatchment with love. Real unconditional love. It is a hard thing to achieve.
We learn to pray, for healing, for ourselves, for others, with unconditional love in our hearts. We learn to really and truly put our faith in a higher power. We learn true forgivness. As we let go of trying to control a situation, that faith is put to the test because we have to trust that someone or something has control for our best good.
The other thing to remember is that detatchment is not the only step in DBing, just simply one of the major steps to help you begin to work on yourself. To help yourself be who you want to be, who you are. To look in the mirror, evaluate what you might like to change, what you can live with, take stock. To find the ways to see yourself as attractive so that you don’t want to go looking for that “attention” or validation from the opposite sex. That way, when it does come, you know it is right and you can also have faith in it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I see what you are saying about the bar thing and you are right,truth be told I probably should not be in a place or doing anything that I would not want my wife doing.
On the V-day thing it is absolutely a Hallmark creation,I have made a bigger deal of it in the past than she has.
It is so strange living here in the house with this woman that I have been with for 30 years and most of them good and happy years,but now it's like she just acts like we are just friends.I want so much to just hold this woman and have her want to be held but she just wants to be left alone.
I know from reading allot of post on here that I am in a better place than many,I mean we don't fight,her or I are not having an affair but we don't really have much of a marriage either just kind of existing under the same roof.
I have stopped writing letters and sending emails and I have stopped saying I love you to her,I know this is what I'm supposed to do but it feels strange.I catch my self thinking that I she sees that I am moving on with my life and no longer pursuing that it may make her think that we are done because I have given up on our marriage.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
since there is no anger, why don't you try reconnecting with that person, find the guy who was engaging and exciting and intriguing....this is for you as much as to win her back
you don't want to be the needy, desperate, scared of rocking the apple cart guy you are now...
be your authentic true self no matter what they outcome, then YOU are the winner
I was thinking about the same thing last night.I was thinking about V-Day and about the kind of cards/flowers etc that I have sent her in the past and what would I do different if I was the guy wanting to get a date with her and not the guy that has been married to her for 25 years.
I know I have been that needy guy who has been scared of losing her and I know that is not a turn on and it has what made her feel smothered and wanting her freedom.She doesn't think I can change how I have been in the past but I have changed and am still working on me,her actions forced me me to.
Now I do have to find that guy that she fell in love with and come at her more like a single guy going after a this hot lady,new and different not the same old married stuff.
Easier said than done but an old dog can learn new tricks or at least remember the old ones,she is well worth the effort.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
