Just scared of what comes next!

[kissak]

Hi...I have been over on the MLC forum for 3 years now and I think its time I move over to this forum.

My H has been back and forth many times over the last 3 years and with only 1 OW really. THey broke it off over a year ago and she has since gotten remarried and divorced AGAIN! and Is currently engaged once again.....so I think she is finally out of our lives....she will hardly talk to my H in passing. What a long separation this has been for us.

Back over the summer my H and I started talking more and just working on being good parents and friends. In October he told me he was thinking about coming home. I told him that I wanted to wait until after the holidays to make that decision to let him.

Well, its past the holidays now, and he has been spending the weekends with me and the kids and some week nights. Last night he wanted some clarity and wanted to know where my thoughts were with things.

I told him that I wanted him home. BUT I werent ready yet. I am scared. I have all my walls up and I am afraid of it not working and having to go through all of this again. Generally in the past he would come back for 2 weeks then want "out" again...then run to the OW. This went on so many times I lost count over 2 years.

We both have walls up...we are both afraid to take the next step. He wants to come home....finally I am seeing changes in him I havent seen in 3 years. He is depressed, but is managing it much better now. I can really see that he is doing better with it.

Im just scared and really dont know what to tell him other than that. I have a problem opening up to him now...but I want to! I soo want my H back and now I have him if I want him, but I really am not sure how to go or where to go from here.

He is has been in counseling for the last year and it has helped him alot! His therapist wants him to go back on medication to help him with his depression.

Any advice? Thanks!

[june72]

Are you guys "dating"?

I think moving in is a HUGE step- esp. with his history of moving in and out again.

If it were me, I would take things slow and date and have weekend getaways and go into MC.

Me, personally, I would not allow him back into the home unless I had months of MC to see that as a couple we were on the same page about things and that you are not "disposable". That you are not always readily available.

I think he has to work at earning your trust. You are a prize to be worked for. I think I would let him know that you would consider reconciliation but old issues and problems have to be explored and resolved so that the same pattern does not occur again.

The OW is out of his life. Great! But she really was a symptom of his problems. He needs to fix himself b4 working on the marraiage. Otherwise, how will this time really be much different from the last countless times?

Kudos for you for sticking it out!

Wishing you the best!!!

[dday101798]

K,

Just keep doing what you are doing, and take it nice and easy and let that scared feeling subside on it's own.

And definately continue to be open with him in the repsect of how you feel in your insecurities with him.

[kissak]

Thanks to both of you. Yes, we have been dating since October. We both knew that moving back in right away wouldnt work for us...been there and done that. We are also spending lots of time together with the kids too. The good thing is he is recognizing alot of his issues in counseling. I have thought about mentioning MC with him. We did it in the beginning for a month or so when he first left, but at that time his heart werent in it...he was doing it for me. But I think he may be open to it now. He already knows he has to earn my trust. That is a subject that has been discussed many times.

But the best thing I know to do is to take it nice and slow, which I think is best, in the past we were always too quick at trying to work things out and it never worked.

I also know the OW was only a symptom of his problems, but I believe he is working on that in counseling.

Also, the amount of debt that we have both gotten ourselves into over the last 3 years trying to live on our own is very troubling to both of us. That is something we will also have to figure out how to work through.

Ugh, so much work, but I believe so worth it in the end whether it works out or not.

[addie]

Hi Kissak,

I think going to MC would be a good start especially now that your H has been going to IC for a year. He may be much more open to hear what MC is suggesting. You said you went in the beginning but if OW was already in the picture at the time, it was completely worthless.
Try suggesting it to him and see how he responds.

[kissak]

Thanks Addie....I will do that. I just need to figure out how to bring it up to him.

[kissak]

I wonder how many of you got back together with your spouses then thought "maybe this isnt what I want, or deserve". Shouldnt my H be trying to "win" me back? I feel like lately that he isnt doing a good job at it....I almost feel used some days. I will cook him a meal and not even get a thank you sometimes. I guess maybe I am just expecting too much here at the beginning. I know I need patience. Its just depressing sometimes. I lay in bed at night and just think maybe I should tell him he cant come back, that I want to be loved and showed some affection! But I know that is NOT what I want, I want him home, to be there with me and the kids, to grow old with...I know he is depressed and I try to just remember that.

Im just whinning a bit, that's all.

[Cyrena]

Hi Kissak,

Just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. When my H recommitted to working on the M, it was the biggest letdown--he told me this on the phone, came home, gave me a (genuine) hug ... and had nothing more to say on the subject at that time. This was followed by about 7 months of him coming out of his depression, during which he'd sometimes be verbally and physically affectionate, and other times he'd be back in his low and unsharing state, or irritable, or very critical of anything our MC suggested.

It took him several weeks to say "ILY," and months till he could say it regularly. It took him a long time to get over the OW. It was over a year before he started to express guilt and regret for what he'd put me through. Sometimes I'd have to leave the bed and go downstairs to cry because I felt alone, unsupported, and as though we'd never make it to a good R.

You don't say--do you have good times together sometimes? Is he properly appreciative of you sometimes--I gather it's not every day he won't thank you for dinner? He did believe what our MC told him, that he would feel better, then worse again, then better, then worse again (rinse & repeat) for some time ... but that each "low" period would be better than the last. It gave him something to cling to, and proved to be true.

Is the old H peeking through sometimes? If he is, hang in.

Until things really got better, I reminded myself a lot to stay detached, and that I'd proven I could be fine without my H, and would be fine without him again if necessary. Meanwhile, take care of meeting whichever of your needs that he can't right now.

[kissak]

Thanks Cyrena....

Yes, we do have good times together. I do see the old H peeking through sometimes. It is hard to stay detached yet try to let the walls down some. But I think you are right about each low period being better than the last.

Honestly he doesnt tell me he loves me. I know he does though. He has said that he does...but he doesnt say "I love u". I hope that makes sense! lol

He did seem in good spirits last night. Made me feel better. He talks about coming home and what he would like to do. He has began to let go of some stuff in his storage. He is giving stuff away and even getting some things for the kids to use that were his. SO from past experience he would have never given his stuff up "just in case".

Like I said, I was just a little bit whinney yesterday. It comes and goes.

[dday101798]

I think the problem here for the both of you, Kissak and Cyrena, IS the fact you tried to work on things and your spouses weren't over their OP, point blank.

I made darn sure (x)W had a clear head with zero thought of OM before anything went anywhere. As it just seemed odd to me that she could just up and leave him that quickly and be detached. But as she said and I know, she never was attached to him at all and that made things all the much easier.

So, there's the first thing, they need to let the withdrawl effect of the OP be gone before trying to patch up your relationships.

Secondly, and mostly Kissak, you NEED to vocalize the things you are feeling. You need to let him know what I just said, and then when he commits to that you need commit to yourself that YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You can go in any direction you so choose. He is the one who has to win that prize, YOU.