Is this piecing?

[Lost Rabbit]

Journalling more ...
MC said how hurt I am by H. MC confirmed that H can be critical, dismissive, cold, mean. I cried when he validated my hurt. But there is a new layer of hurt, which rr22 was talking about. The hurt of being left. The hurt of feeling like H thinks I'm so awful he's better off away.

Its two types of hurt the sort that is inflicted out of careless words and spite and the sheer overwhelming pain of realising that the apparent control you had due to their overwhelming love for you does not exist. That no matter how much pain you appear to be in there will be no loving arm to comfort or protect you. That is like sticking hot pins in your heart. It becomes very apparent that whilst in their fog they have an off switch that can be used to stop them feeling any of your pain or so it would seem. If we gave them some benefit of the doubt I believe they can see it as you can see them squirm sometimes but they cant acknowledge it.

Besides the usual hurtful stuff that brought us to a broken M, how do you people deal with this pain? Tonight I did well with my 180s while recognizing how hard it is to stick to them when hurting.

You dont whilst they are there/near you, you stuff it as deep as you possibly can till they are gone and come and rant on here until you make sense of what you feel, only by making sense of what you feel, especially so for us Mrs Panic's we learn to deal with our pain, it is fear that often sends us reeling into panic, so do not allow yourself to feel the fear for twenty/forty hours. Usually by the time its time to let yourself feel the fear the worst has either happened or not and in my case several times not so that I have started to see that my panic is over the top in most cases and H has had to deal with upheaval of temper over something that has not happened.

H borrowed my car tonight to go to a game (nerdy d&d role playing type stuff) because of his broken window from the break-in. When he came back to get his car, S and I were almost asleep (we sleep in same room when H is not here).Sorry H4L but this man does not live with you in effect he is a stranger and his behaviour is unpredictable, WHY on earth did you allow him back into your house and into your bedroom. Personally I'd have asked him to leave the key in the hall and not disturb you, he has given up those rights H came in and said his usual critique, but in a kind tone so I let it go "Why are you two still awake? It's past his bedtime. You're overdue for an oilchange." Ok, he wasn't mean so the hurt was minimal from that. Right he had a point, youre setting yourself up for a fall letting S stop the night with you, he has his own room and should be in it.. Two he shouldnt have been up late, keep his routine as normal as possible despite H's behaviour. Three thank him kindly for taking care of you, you could also perhaps mention you would like him to teach you to deal with these things yourself. Four, Two, three and the hurt as four wouldnt happened if you had respected yourself enough to dish out one!

But the hurt is that he is all hugs and kisses for S (for which I am grateful!!!!) while ignoring me. It also hurts every time he leaves and doesn't stay as if he is so happy to. I keep wondering when is the day that he will want to stay just to be with us - or me?How do you know he is happy, he could be acting "as if" as much as you. Stop wondering you will never know and certainly if you do not for a long time, people keep saying to me how do you know your H is coming back because he loves you and not because he has no other financial alternative, I DONT all I can do is trust that he is and hope that even if he does God wont let me down

I usually don't even realize how hurt I am when he comes and goes. My 180 was I didn't jump up to talk to him, to engage him, to hug him, etc. I just lay with my eyes closed and when he mentioned wanting to talk to me I said I'd rather do it tomorrow because I'm tired. I stayed quiet while he left.Brilliant for recognising the hurt so now you can do something to knock it on the head or at least minimise it. Way to go as you yanks say on making him wait to talk, and playing calm and semi disinterested needs a ten outta ten

I'm proud I was non-pursuing and yet how do you all do it when it's so hurtful that they are just fine being gone? How do you deal with the rejection?

Your mind reading you dont know he is happy, assume that he is not and keep smiling, wheres all his friends as we speak? Does he have a crew of partners in crime fighting for his needs I so dont think so. Is he GAL and successfully changing himself lets wait and see

I'm trying to PMA - "hey this is just the situation for now and it's possible he'll return someday." It's possible too that he has mixed feelings about being gone even if he doesn't express them. I'll never know if he wants to come back on his own unless I can be more independent like this etc - but how can I deal with the coldness? It's so sad. How can I be at peace with this and not so in pain? Its your independance and GAL and confidence that and its still a big IF will get him back, but at the end of the day if it doesnt boy you are gonna be one confident, independant, sexy, sassy lady and you will have a queue at your door of replacement. Keep telling yourself its his loss.

Now huge hugs cos I have really gone gunning for you tonight you know its all said with love, dont let him grind you down he doesnt deserve to be allowed that much control over your life. Will be around the Alt this evening if you need to kick me back lol