#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

Thanks so much OP for the MLC resources. I'm tackling them.

So, I've read this thread: The Six Stages of a Mid Life Crisis, by HB.

This helped me to understand how H sees me right now:

Then there's the spouse of the Mid Lifer-he/she doesn't look the same as she did-as the Mid Lifer ages, so does the spouse, and we cannot help what heredity does to our looks; but their spouses are also a REFLECTION of them, how they have treated them, what they have given or with-held, and they begin to deny what they are seeing, thinking if they had it to go all over again they might have married someone else and been happier than they are now-never mind it's not true- and that leads to the next stage--Anger

Based on this, I think that H is in REPLAY:

The adolescent in them comes out full-force while in the stage of Replay, also ALL stages except Denial and Acceptance are shown while there(full-blown MLC).

I'm seeing a mix of Anger (rage/blaming)/Replay (flirting, etc.)/Depression (sleep problems, black moods)/Withdrawal (brooding).

I found what snodderly wrote in the above thread helpful:

When you are pleasant and nice to the mlcer, they think you are up to some, just as we think they are when they are quiet and nice. They are very paranoid during mlc. They don't want us to be nice to them. They want us anger and nasty so that they can justify why they are doing the things they are doing. How can they justify leaving us if we are nice and pleasant all of the time? You've asked the question that millions of others have asked--how can they close themselves off from us. It's easy--we really don't exist to them right now. They've gone back to their childhoods and we are not there spouses during that time. Go back and re-read HB's stages and then hop over the to thread that I created back in October about MLC-Through the Eyes of a Visitor. The inner child is explained there quite well, right along w/replay. Remember this, as long as they are in replay, they have returned to this childhood. Until that time passes and they go through depression and withdrawal, you will only be a friend or someone they know. They do not want the marriage or a spouse tying them down. In their minds, they have to be single and free in order to relive this youthful time and resolve those issues that need to be resolved. The best advice that I can give you is to just leave him alone, contact him only in emergencies. Distance and detach lovingly. If he contacts you, treat him as you would a co-worker or friend. When he begins to bait you back into his drama, do not fall for it. Do not try to play games w/him as he will sense it right off the bat and will retaliate against you. Whatever you do for changes, they must become permanent!

The bolded part above: H is doing this quite deliberately. He is contacting old friends from before our M and looking at old photos to try to reconstruct his pre-M identity. And he's moved out to erase the reality of being a married, middle-aged man. Now he can live the illusion of the single life, at least part of the time. But maybe he will go back and finally deal with the deaths of his two brothers (friends and family think he never fully grieved their deaths).

I feel sooooo sad that no one has been there for H enough to give him the support that he needs. Our MC never mentioned MLC once, in spite of him showing a lot of the signs. Reading information like this possibly could have helped him at some point, but it can't come from me. His dad flew in to see him, but H's dad just doesn't have enough emotional intelligence or insight to be there for his son.